Artificial Night

Artificial Night Shall Be No More

2012-01-26T10:05:00.003-05:00

So, in light of a lot of things not limited to, but including:

1. A personal preference for minimalism.
2. Google's recent trend away from its "Don't Be Evil" mantra.
3. Some synergy in my online productivity.
4. A personal preference for relative ease of use in aforementioned online productivity.

I've decided to take my full-time blogging over to Tumblr. I've had a Tumblr for a while now, and it's just a reality that I use it, and Twitter, as my main online outlets. I'm only producing one long blog post a month here, roughly, whereas I post on Tumblr multiple times a day. Splitting those two up seems stupid.

As much as I've loved having something called "Artificial Night" in my life, and all the little sidebar widgets, well, it's just not worth it anymore to divide my somewhat paltry readership.

I'm not going to re-direct joestracci.com just yet, so this will still be here for a while, but if you want a daily dose of music and technology and food and videos and all-around general wittiness, update your bookmarks to:

joestracci.org

See you then.

Impossible Is Nothing

2011-12-20T13:18:00.001-05:00

Table Tennis Clip Art. Of course it exists, dummy.

As 2012 approaches, so do the "Top ____ of 2011" lists. None of them will be as glorious as the one I'm about to comment on. I've watched this video way too many times already, and at first, I wasn't going to write anything, but then I started watching the video, and about a minute in, I was like, OK, I'm writing a blog post.

Then, after two minutes, I was like, no, this is just a Tumblr post, not a whole blog post.

And then I got the end and I had so many ideas and questions, I was like, I just have to.

--

So first, here's the video, via Devour, of the Best Table Tennis Shots of 2011:

And here, following along chronologically, are my thoughts/questions/concerns/etc.:

1. There's a website called Table Tennis Daily, which means, theoretically, there is enough going on in the world of Table Tennis to update a website every day.

2. The inclusion of the quote "Impossible is nothing". I'm not sure if this is a quote by one of the Table Tennis players, maybe the one pictured, but I really hope it is.

3.The first shot is labeled as #1. For some reason, maybe it's a thing in the world of Table Tennis, this is the first "Best of" list to ever go in ascending order. Ever. Meaning the first shot, #1, is the tenth best shot. And it was weird because when I saw the shot I was like, Damn, this is the best table tennis shot in the world? But then I realized, oh, okay, they just have no idea how to number the list. Got it.

4. At :36, the announcer responds to a winning shot by saying, "Bang on, man." Yup, that's definitely my new phrase.

5. Shot #2 (really #9) is the first shot where we get to see a serve. The serve might be my favorite aspect. How are these weird gyrations and all the intentionally misleading body language allowed? Better yet, has anyone proven that they actually help?

6. I also love the massive swings some of these guys take, but because the ball is hollow and a half millimeter thick, it doesn't really move any faster. I'm thinking shoulder injuries must be a huge issue in the Table Tennis world.

7. Bonus points for the winner in Shot #2 for the pimping way he celebrates.

8. The crowd reaction in Shot #3 at 1:02 or so is just amazing. The fact that there are that many people willing to react like that to Table Tennis. . .

9. Shot #5, again, another ridiculously pimp reaction, what I like to call The Walk The Fuck Off. Joba Chamberlain used to be able to do this too, back before he started taking conditioning and nutrition tips from Tony Soprano. And did you catch how the guy who lost the point had to jump over the little barrier and retrieve the ball? I'm liking Table Tennis more and more.

10. Table Tennis Doubles. Don't laugh. Can you imagine how dangerous that is? I'm betting that any serious Table Tennis Doubles participant has all fake teeth by the time they're 26, like hockey players.

11. Dude in Shot #7 has on a head band. And can we be honest--is that really that impressive of a shot? Maybe I'm missing something.

12. Shot #8 is funny to me, just because of the fact that during the replay, at like, 2:35, you can see that there is literally four-to-seven people watching in what appears to be a huge arena. And people wonder why the Olympics lose money.

13. This would probably be a good time to mention the music.

14. Okay, Shot #9 is impressive. I've watched it a few times now and I just get the feeling that he was showing off. A little. Like, the speed of his spin just seems too slow to be part of his natural reaction. The rivalries in Table Tennis must be so fierce.

15. And then there is it. Shot #10. Or #1. Whatever. A good rally. Good job of editing, too, having the music hit the dramatic point. Another ridiculous serve. The fellow in green is obviously on the defensive. He appears to be deflecting shots rather than returning them. And at 3:03, it looks like the dude in red has him dead to rights. Even the announcer feels it, and gives an, "Oooh," like, wow, this guy is about to put him away, which is exactly what the guy in red thinks too, so much so that he blasts one, but kind of goes limp beforehand. If his body language could talk, it would say, "Really? That's all you have to throw back at me? A meatball?" And he's obviously not on guard, which really doesn't matter because it's over and the-- AND THEN DUDE IN THE GREEN, FROM WAY, WAY DOWNTOWN, JUST PUTS HIM AWAY! OH, BABY!

Kids, if you're watching at home, just watch 3:03-3:05 over and over again. The body language says it all. Guy in the green--he doesn't care that it LOOKS like he's about to be put away. He's doing his little bounce, he's ready. And then he just crushes a backhand shot from the third row. Incredible. And just to cap it off, he ice grills the shit out of his opponent at 3:07.

And there you have it. Who knows what Table Tennis in '12 has in store for us. I'll end with a transcript of the announcer's reaction to Shot #10. The #1 shot. Wait, what?

"Nooo--no, no, no. The shot of the tournament. And absolutely no doubt at all about that. Everybody here inside the, uh, Ahoy (?) Stadium is absolutely flabbergasted. Let's have a look at this one. Unbelievable shot--there's the first one, bye bye, out you go, Oh, my goodness, where did that come from? Wow."

Subtle Sexist Symbolism

2011-11-30T11:41:00.000-05:00

How would this image differ if Watch The Throne was the creation of two female artists?

So now that Hot 97 and Power 105 have finally stopped just straight up looping Watch The Throne (Drake much?), I think it's safe to start writing about it, at least in some form, just because it's not often that All Star Teams are put together and succeed in winning a championship.

But I'm not going to do that here. Instead, I just wanted to take a minute to highlight something that occurred at last night's Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (apparently I'm supposed to capitalize fashion and show).

This Pitchfork post is what got my attention. To be honest, I had no idea that there are musical performances at said fashion show, but I suppose it makes sense. Maybe.

The first two videos are of Kanye West, who performs "Stronger," which he was apparently slated to perform in '07 but couldn't when his mother died, and then of Jay-Z and Kanye performing what has become my favorite WTT track, "N*ggas in Paris." (Yes, I know, I'm censoring myself. I don't care.) Both videos have a similar feel--two artists who appear to be pretty comfortable performing their music in what should be an uncomfortable setting. I have a feeling if they had seen some of the models-dancing-while-waiting-to-walk-the-runway shots, they would have cringed. I did.

Anyway, both performances are what we've come to expect from J and K--swagger, attitude, whimsy (does anyone else relish how much genuinely happier Kanye seems to be when Jay is around?) and a relative lack of filters between the actual song and the performance.

Then, there's the third video. Nicki Minaj performing her biggest hit to date (right?), "Super Bass." I should admit right from the start that I'm really not a Nicki Minaj fan. I know, I know. Her verse on "Monster" is unbelievable. But when you consider that most signs point to the fact that she didn't actually write it, well, it's hard to get as worked up about her.

That being said, Nicki Minaj is still a huge name, not nearly on the same level as a Jay-Z, and not even on the same level as a Kanye, but still, she's up there, at least for the moment. I would certainly say that she's capable of holding her own on stage, especially at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

So why in the world was it necessary to, on top of her pink hair and Lisa Frank meets Pippi Longstocking meets Lysergic Acid Diethylamide outfit, to also include 10+ fuchsia-ed backup dancers along with the gigantic flashing CLUB PINK Lite Brite at the rear of the stage?

Why isn't a set design like that viewed as equally cheesy and distracting as a similar set design for J & K would have been viewed? It's not as if she needs extra visual appeal. If anything, the boys could have used it more.

The reality is that it likely stems from the fact that Producers (the world over, not just of the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show) assume that we'll assume that the music of a female artist won't be taken quite as seriously as that of a male artist, and so the extra stimulus will be needed to hold our attention.

I should also point out the sexist undertones within the performance itself. The male dancers that spend most of their time surrounding NM (and just bask in the way they look at her right at the beginning of the song. It's the sexual equivalent of a sitcom's laugh track.) are clearly a separate and distinct group from the female backup dancers (who get the glorious gigantic letter outfits) at the rear of the stage.

I know how you'll probably respond when you read this. I'm over-analyzing. Finding problems where there are none. If sexism still exists, why was a woman performing at all? Why can't I just relax and be entertained by the music?

All fair questions, and to be honest, I'll admit that I am intentionally picking apart the performances. But I would argue that the subtle sexist symbolism that can clearly by seen when juxtaposing those three performances is incredibly dangerous, simply because of how easy it is to ignore. The little changes are the hardest to make. God, as well as the devil, is in the details.

And really, at this point, I'll do anything to avoid having to hear Aubrey Graham, for the ten billionth time, humblebrag about being too strung out on compliments.

Incredibly Unlikely Celebrity Friendship Pool

2011-11-03T11:42:00.000-04:00

Late January? Or pre-Halloween?

Snowstorms That Disrupt Halloween

My personal winter storm forecast model is as follows:

-If they predict big far out, e.g., a Monday forecast of 8-12 inches on Friday, expect it to underwhelm.
-If they start out on Monday calling for a rain/sleet/snow mix, and then on Wednesday up it to 1-3 inches, with more north and west of The City, and by Thursday, they've gone to 6-10 inches in The City, and there's a Winter Storm Warning on Friday morning, expect it to pack a punch.

14 inches of snow, two downed trees, no electricity for 120 hours and expected to be near 192, and two stuck vehicles later, I believe that my forecast model was, once again, accurate.

The Canadian Government Has Apologized For Bryan Adams On Several Occasions

On 12/5/11, a posthumous Amy Winehouse album, Lioness: Hidden Treasures, will be released. Naturally, the cover art was photographed by none other than Bryan Adams, apparent "rocker-turned photographer," he of Everything I Do, I Do For You/Summer of '69 fame. Oh, but it doesn't stop there, as SPIN reports:

When Winehouse died on July 23, the Montreal Gazette traced her "unlikely friendship" with the Canadian musician, who reportedly let Winehouse stay in his Caribbean home during a tumultuous period of her life and wrote her a song called "Flower Grown Wild."

If you had the Amy Winehouse/Bryan Adams combo in your "Incredibly Unlikely Celebrity Friendship" Pool, then I guess that today is your lucky day.

Scott Weiland Is Putting Out A Christmas Album

Sometimes the headlines write themselves. Kudos to SPIN for putting the obligatory "White Christmas" pun front and center.

No, seriously. Scott Weiland. The Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Really.

Two Things

And because nobody blogs about how to be a better human anymore, if they ever did, just remember that we've all got two things in common: we're all going to die, and we all have no idea when. A simple concept, sure, but thinking and internalizing these things because I said it, rather than because of first-hand experience, is better, believe me. Apply both of those fundamental truths to every aspect of your day that you can.

After, watch The Tree of Life. Buy the Blu-ray, actually. Shut your phone off, put your computer in the other room, leave behind every preconceived notion about what makes a movie a movie, and just bask in it. Haven't seen anything like it in quite some time, and I don't plan on it any time soon.

Products That Deserve Exclamation Points

2011-10-10T12:36:00.001-04:00

There's usually about a two hour gap between the time I leave work (5pm) and the time I get home from going to the gym (7pm). As an obsessive checker of Twitter, this is a scary time, as it always seems to be the case that big news comes to the surface precisely during this time when I'm unconnected from the system.

On Wednesday, October 5th, that gap was widened to about three hours. Danielle and I were trying a new recipe, and with the Yankees not on until Thursday, and after spending the past four days engrossed in baseball and football games for basically the entire night, I felt a responsibility to shower as quickly as possible, and help her get dinner ready.

After cooking and eating and cleaning up, I sat down with my MacBook Air at the breakfast bar in the kitchen. Danielle was finishing up the last of the dishes (My post-dinner cleaning responsibilities include clearing the table, putting stuff back in the refrigerator, getting anything that needs to be washed to the sink, clearing out the drain board, and cleaning all cooking/eating surfaces), her back to me. For some reason, the last full-screen app I'd used was Reeder, my RSS reader. Normally, I don't like to look at Reeder before Twitter--in my head, all the links people have tweeted are "spoiled." I glanced down anyway and saw the news, repeated maybe six or seven times in a row, every recent story the same:

Steve Jobs Has Died.

--

I won't get into what followed, or the tributes, or the coverage. It's all been done to death, no pun intended. Much like the coverage of a new Apple product, the news of Steve's passing was met by an outpouring of grief, quickly followed by a negative response to the grief, and now has settled into what will most likely be the main narrative for some time, that he was an innovator, a genius, an irreplaceable piece of the American puzzle, who like the rest of us, had flaws of both character and personality.

I felt guilty at first, I'll be honest. I was stunned and upset. I'd deluded myself into thinking that his stepping-down as CEO of Apple wasn't necessarily confirmation of a worsening condition that had obviously been wearing him down over the last seven years. I'd treated his physical health the same as the lead-up to an Apple release, ignoring what was obvious and in plain-sight. I got over my guilt, accepted that I was truly saddened, and watched all the videos, read all the articles.

This was our Edison. For better or worse, Steve Jobs changed the way we approach life on a day-to-day basis. Not many people who've spent time on this planet can say that.

--

I am one of the 1,000,000 people (literally) who pre-ordered the iPhone 4S. And even though I know the phone won't be available until this Friday, I've checked my "Order Acknowledgement" email, clicked the little link to redirect me to Apple's website, just to check my order status, about fifty times since Friday.

On that page (Your Orders. clearly stated at the top in the "This is the Apple headline Font and Style" font and style), everything is either white, black, grey or blue, and what little blue there is are all hyperlinks of some sort. Bold black on a grey background says, "Preparing for Shipment." With Apple, there are five different levels of order purgatory:

We've received your order
Processing Items
Preparing for Shipment
Shipped
Complete

But for the obsessive, what do these mean? Each level has an explanation, an explanation that you can see if you hover over a little icon, a blue circle with a Play Button-esque white triangle in it, next to the bold black "Preparing for Shipment." A rectangle appears, and your order's current status is highlighted in a slightly paler shade of blue (a different shade of blue because they want to highlight it for you, but not make you think the block of text itself is clickable). Anyone familiar with iOS will recognize the rectangle as what Apple calls a "popover."

Up until yesterday, my order status was "Processing Items," which, as the popover explains, means that:

We are preparing your item(s) to ship. While your order is being prepared, we are unable to modify your order details. Once your item ships, we will email you a Shipment Notification with complete order details.

Then, maybe around 2 o'clock, I was walking past my MacBook Air, I thought to check, and I saw I'd moved up to, "Preparing for Shipment," which I immediately let Danielle know about.

Okay--actually, I sang it.

--

This morning, the word on the Internet was that people were already receiving "Shipped" emails. Some even had tracking numbers. This led to a flurry of checks on my part. As of writing this, I'm still stuck at level PFS.

A few minutes ago, for no real reason, I looked at what came next on the popover. Shipped. The explanation?

Your order has shipped! Your carrier tracking number will be updated in online Order Status and the carrier’s website within 24 hours.

What struck me when I read this was the exclamation mark. As a writer, I hate them, as 99% of the time, they're used to give emphasis because none exists to begin with. Or to spice up a Facebook status, usually in blocks of five or ten. I like to imagine that Steve Jobs wasn't too fond of them either, for similar reasons. So what was one doing in this obviously carefully crafted webpage?

I thought about how I'd just read the explanation, how I'd heard it in my mind. I thought about how I'd read it when my order finally did ship, thought about how someone who isn't as tech-minded, or literary-minded would read it. I thought about my reaction just to finding out that my order, a phone, mind you, was preparing for shipment. I thought about what my reaction would be when the phone was finally delivered, and I opened it, and used it, and started thinking about the next one, and so on.

While the realistic, rational part of my brain wants me to go in a different direction, I'd like to imagine that Steve Jobs had something to do with the placement of that exclamation point. Because that's his legacy to me. He made sure, in his too-brief time, that he created a company that paid attention to the details, to the small things.

He took the lead in creating products that deserve exclamation points, because he knew that people like me would care enough to get up at three in the morning to pre-order them. He knew that we would check the status of our order far too many times, even when we already pretty much knew what the status was.

He knew that we would be that happy -- exclamation mark happy -- when we checked, and the phone, or the computer, or the whatever, finally read: Shipped.

Time To Let The Tributes In: A review of SPIN's Newermind

2011-08-30T11:50:00.000-04:00

Click here to download the album.

What does a tribute album hope to achieve?

If the participating artists stay faithful to the music they are paying homage to, we’ll pass the album off as boring; a bad ripoff.

If they strip the originals down to the bone and build them back up in a new way, we’ll declare the attempts heretical, disrespectful, maybe even a bad case of “trying too hard.”

Nirvana is one of those bands that, as horrible as this may sound, benefited, and benefits, from having ended quickly--a shooting star of sound. When you stop and really take a hard look at their catalog of music--basically four albums--they’ve got:

1. Bleach, the typical Indie Label release that showed glimmers of future successesm, but was still mostly raw.

2. Incesticide, the stop-gap B-Sides collection.

3. In Utero, the sometimes-underrated, sometimes classic album where they finally realized what it is they wanted to accomplish (technically their sophomore release, no less).

4. And of course, the big guy, the crossover success, the coming-out party.

I was born in 1984. Nevermind came out in 1991. I won’t even pretend to be a part of the late teen/twenty-something crowd that claims emotional ownership of the “time and place” that is attached to Nevermind. I had no idea about it (Nevermind, that is), didn’t know it existed,had never even mistakenly seen a Nirvana video on MTV. In 1991, I still thought Bryan Adams was a badass, Billy Joel was high art, and to be honest, I’m not even sure my parents had cable TV yet.

I don’t even remember how I came to hear Nirvana for the first time. I’m pretty sure it was my friend Kenny in the 6th grade, (you should check out his band Gameday Regulars. Their debut EP is extremely good.) who had the infamous “Drunken Smiley Face” Nirvana t-shirt that I was always too scared to ask my parents to buy me, because of this graphic on the back:

I eventually settled for this much-tamer t-shirt:

To put it bluntly, and for the sake of brevity, Nevermind literally changed my life, saved my life, had that effect on me that people often claim music can have. It did. I swear. I’ve listened to Nevermind, I would guess, a few hundred times in my life. Really. I know every scream, every word, every note. I know all the trivia behind it, all the inside jokes, everything. In Utero is my favorite Nirvana album, and if I had to rank them, I might even put Unplugged in New York at number two, but that’s only because Nevermind is just--on a different level.

It’s not their best record. The mixing is too slick, too radio-friendly. All the lines I thought were so ingenious, so insightful, I now know to be word mashups from poetry books, picked because they fit a melody and a theme and a tone. But every time I hear it, or even just a song from it, I’m instantly reverted back to a time and a place, one of the ultimate goals, one would believe, of great art.

So when I saw that SPIN had put Newermind together, featuring thirteen artists, the majority of which I’m not even familiar with, to cover these classic songs (again, classic not because they are the best songs ever, or even the best Nirvana songs ever, but because they are a part of something bigger), I thought:

Well, this will probably be awful.

Which is the SOP response for fans like me. Honestly, he only reason I even gave it a try is because I saw that somehow, SPIN had convinced the Meat Puppets to get involved, and that they were the ones going after “The Hit.”

Before writing this, I listened to Newermind several times--a couple of casual listens, one in-depth at home, and once while I wrote this piece, but none of the listens affected me as much as when I listened while I drove home from work, during my new commute, back to my new house, 26 years-old, soon to be 27. I couldn’t help but think about Nevermind and who I was when I first started listening to it. It doesn’t feel like it was that long ago, but when I do the math, I realize--that was 15 years ago.

It’s old. I’m old. Everything in my life, and the world, has changed.

Maybe it’s time to let the tributes in.

Smells Like Teen Spirit
Performed by Meat Puppets

This was a really smart move. I’m sure the list of bands who would even want to cover one of the biggest songs of the last 30 years is short, let alone be able to pull it off, and the Meat Puppets do. It’s a fairly straightforward verison of the original, with just enough hey-we’re-doing-it-our-way spirit to accept it as worthy. The vocal strain evident in the beginning of each line of the chorus highlights just how “produced” the original was.

In Bloom
Performed by Butch Walker & The Black Widows

This is, by far, the track that most fully captures why tribute albums can be a good thing. It reminds me of a moment on some random season of Top Chef, when Grant Achatz was a judge, and the contestants had to make a dish in his style--a molecular gastronomy/playfulness/de-and-re-construction of a classic dish. One of the dishes chosen was the humble s’more. I don’t remember how whatever TC hopeful botched it, but Achatz’s breakdown of why it didn’t work was classic, something to the effect of, “Look, the whole point is to isolate the individual sensations of the s’more--the elements, beyond the ingredients, that make it A S’more. And there are three--crunchy graham cracker, melted chocolate, and burnt sugar. The rest is up to you.”

This version of In Bloom is a complete re-imagining--on the surface, it’s completely different--but the main elements are still there. I love it.

Come As You Are
Performed by Midnight Juggernauts

It’s crazy--in the first three tracks of the album, we’ve got a complete range of emotions. I’m not familiar with Midnight Juggernauts, but their decision to take a classic song, and just push it through the filter of “their” music, was a poor one. Where’s the burnt sugar? Where’s the melted chocolate? There might as well have never been an original.

Breed
Performed by Titus Andronicus

What a lot of the covers on Newermind wound up doing for me was highlighting just how good the original was. Breed is a good song--not a great one. It’s energy is the highlight, and while there’s no doubt that TA has energy, it’s just--not the same. Their lo-fi feel should pair well with Nirvana’s aesthetic, but it just winds up feeling like a rip-off, even when it’s obvious that that wasn’t the intention.

Lithium
Performed by The Vaselines

The Vaselines are another group that pops up frequently in Nirvana folklore, so it’s pretty cool that they were involved with this project. As somebody who took the leap and explored their music beyond Nirvana’s cover of Molly’s Lips, I agree fully with their (or SPIN’s?) decision to take a shot at Lithium. And it’s a success. The only way I can describe it is like some bizarro fucked-up hipster church (No, really, they exist) sermon. The plodding bass line puts even more of an emphasis on one of the better lyrical efforts on Nevermind.

Polly
Performed by Amanda Palmer

*Donning my best Aziz Ansari impersonation* If you were like, Joe, what song on a Nirvana Nevermind Tribute album would they choose to do a whisper-acoustic version of, what song would you guess, then I’d totally be like, Polly!

The banjos save this effort from its obviousness. This was a tough undertaking, as even the most cursory of Nirvana fans have already heard Nirvana do this song about three different ways.

Territorial Pissings
Performed by Surfer Blood

This is the song where you realize that Dave Grohl knows what he's doing behind the drums. The first drum roll into the chorus is really, really bad. Like, laughably bad.

Besides that, the vocals are downy soft, in a song that needs to be backed--fueled, even--by anguish, and the feedback sounds like a pre-programmed sample.

Drain You
Performed by Foxy Shazam

Drain You might be my favorite Nevermind track, so this is a tricky maneuver. No cover of it is ever going to feel “good.” That being said, the best way to go about it is probably to just go in the complete opposite direction, which is what Foxy Shazam does. The choruses work more than the verses, and the breakdown before the final chorus is missing the sonic brilliance of the original, but it’s not--terrible.

I guess.

Lounge Act
Performed by Jessica Lea Mayfield

This is an underappreciated track on the original album. The lyrics are rivaled only by “The Hit” in the random-poetry-book-couplet category. I’d even argue that the chorus is better. The harmonizing, combined with the tempo change, in the chorus was a great idea. Plus, who doesn’t love shimmery backing guitar stabs?

Stay Away
Performed by Charles Bradley & The Menahan Street Band

Yeah, well, this happened.

At least I know what the actual lyrics are now.

On A Plain
Performed by Telekinesis

Now this is a proper lo-fi cover. Intentionally shitty guitar tones. That papier-mâché drum kick feel. Perfect rendition of the chorus. I can almost see Telekinesis intentionally giving a shit about not giving a shit.

Something In The Way
Performed by JEFF The Brotherhood

I've always loved--loved--SITW, ever since reading the quote in the Michael Azzerad book that, when writing the song, KC wanted to capture “living under a bridge, dying of AIDS.”

Has there ever been more of a Seattle-in-the-early-90’s statement?

Besides the fact that there’s literally two guitar chords involved, and the “Something/In the way” bit is an unabashed ripoff of The Beatles “Something," I still love this song and always will, and in this instance, JEFF the Brotherhood just squats over it, grunts, and takes a massive shit on it. Even their blurb about it from the SPIN web page is douchey:

"The idea was to take the least heavy song on Nirvana's least heavy album and give it the JEFF treatment -- make it real doomy. That's all we know how to do!" says guitarist Jake Orrall, who, with his drummer brother Jamin, make up the Nashville duo.

Oh--the JEFF treatment.

Of course.

Endless Nameless
Performed by EMA

I go back and forth on this, SPIN’s decision to cover the “secret” track, which, future trivia answer here--my copy of Nevermind does not have. I’ve read that the initial pressing did not contain the track, but there’s no way in hell my copy is from the original pressing. Unless it is. In which case, I probably should have taken better care of it.

Anyway, as of writing this, I still kind of think it’s lame. I mean, it’s a noise jam. A joke. The fact that you wait out a sustained period of silence just to hear detuned guitars and feedback is the punch line, so to give it this treatment, like it’s part of the artifact--it comes off looking like SPIN is trying too hard (told you that would come up eventually).

I know--maybe they should have given it the JEFF treatment.

--

So, for the Nirvana fans out there, old and new, give Newermind a listen.

I mean, it's free.

And even if you hate it, it will make you want to throw on Nevermind (throw on--a reference to vinyl--probably not the best way to end this moving-forward-regarding-my-past piece), and if you’re anything like me, you'll wind up back in a time and a place that, no matter how you got there, will always be worth the visit.

"Rex Is Hot"

2011-08-16T11:30:00.000-04:00

Think Rex Ryan is ready for the season to start?

Don't you wish your head coach was ripping his headset off over wasting a timeout during the FIRST GAME of the preseason?

You do, you can admit it.

And for what it's worth, you know you wish your starting QB looked like this:

What? He wears tight white pants for a living.

It just happens that he looks damn good while doing it.

Overdressed Pet Owners: A Review of Mac OS X Lion

2011-07-25T12:37:00.000-04:00

Reviewing an Operating System is Impossible.
If I review the purest, out-of-the-box (the MAS, actually) form of Lion, then this review will exist in a vacuum. No one uses their OS like that.

If I review my version of it, after I've made my changes and tweaks and adjusted the seat and mirrors, then my review will be an opinion piece of the worst kind, so I'm hoping that by admitting my flawed-no-matter-what standpoint from the start, that you'll be able to actually take something from the rest.

Pretty serious shit, right?

2
With the whole OS X meets iOS thing, I thought it would be interesting to review Lion in a similar way--staring and pecking away at my MacBook Air, but thinking how I tend to think on my iOS devices.

3
I'm also paying homage, for no real reason, to Mary Robison's "Why Did I Ever," which you should read.

Factory Settings
Every time I do a clean install of an Operating System, I reinstall fewer and fewer applications. Imagine if this was a life option? The ability to go back to factory settings and rebuild from there?

I know more than a few people who could stand to have their indexes rebuilt.

New Features, Pt. 1
Two days into Lion and I had to keeping remembering to remember to use the features I wanted to use.

New Features, Pt. 2
By Day 5, it's as if I've been using them all along.

Change is the Only Constant, Pt. 1
We live in a beta culture. Nothing is ever finished, and it shouldn't be, because it never was.

How Far We've Come, Pt. 1
Remember when your cell phone didn't work? And you'd take it to your carrier's store and you'd explain the problem, and the person behind the counter would take it and come back and say, "Well, your phone has a software update, so we're going to do that."

How Far We've Come, Pt. 2
And you'd walk away saying to whoever you were with, "Yeah, a software update. Because that'll work."

How Far We've Come, Pt. 3
I haven't heard much chatter about the ridiculously simple Lion installation process. Sure, I made it harder on myself, but for the majority of the 1,000,000 people who bought it the first day? Scary simple.

You're Either The One Sawing People In Half, Or The One Getting Sawed (How Far We've Come, Pt. 4)
None of the bloggers and the gadget writers want to talk about it because the people who are reviewing Lion aren't too thrilled that people like you can update your system so easily.

If everyone knows how to pull a rabbit out of a hat, then the magicians are just overdressed pet owners.

12
Mission Control is making me realize how much money I'm spending to basically use Email, the Web, Twitter, and as RSS reader.

All of which are free.

When You're Right, You're Right
The only time "reversed" scrolling feels wrong is when I'm on my Dell at work.

Mom, Pt. 1
Launchpad isn't for those who use Spotlight or Alfred-type application launchers. But if you already use them, you already knew that.

Mom, Pt. 2
My mom will love it though.

16
Three finger swiping between desktops is my favorite feature that I didn't think I'd care about.

My suggestion: set up full screen apps, and then give your favorite apps their own desktop, and just swipe all day.

17
You could swipe your life away, although being able to name my desktops would be nice.

18
I mean the label of the desktop.

Of course I already named them.

The Customer is Always Right
Don't like disappearing scrollbars?

Systems preferences.

Don't like inverted scrolling?

System preferences.

It really is that simple.

20
Any bugs, or slowness, or unnameable desktops?

21.5
An update's coming.

Change is the Only Constant, Pt. 2 (21.5.1)
An update is always coming in Beta Culture.

Missing What You Never Knew You Had
If you do a clean install of Lion, you lose your Snow Leopard wallpaper. Not that I would be caught dead with a stock wallpaper anyway, but for those of you who care.

Sometimes A Cigar Is A Penis
Full-screen apps are not the same as an app running in a maximized window.

The Destination, The Journey, and the Stops Along The Way
One of my favorite apps, Reeder, has already been upgraded to include support for full-screen mode. Full-screen Mode is definitely the future, and not because of the fact that it overtakes the screen--the getting there, that's the future.

25
As a user of Twitter's Mac app, I'd love to see fullscreen support soon. Something similar to the iPad app.

It's funny how much time we've spent going up and down on our iPhones, and how that has translated to going from side-to-side on our iPads, and how we'll need to use both of those skills on our Macs now, almost like we've been training for this all along.

Sticking Feathers In Your Butt
I've seen a lot of comments about how to tweak Lion into acting more like Snow Leopard. If that's what you wanted, why did you upgrade?

Fables Involving Mice and Lions
Lion should come bundled with a user who comes bundled with a trackpad.

We're All Getting Old
I've seen how Versions works. I know it works. I know it will save my work, regardless of how hard I try not to. I still can't break the habit.

Yet.

The Bottom Line
For $30, Lion initially feels like a bargain. The new look, the new buttons, the new wallpaper, the new features. But considering that most of the new features still need to be built into many of the apps you use, if you stop and think about it, you're basically paying to be part of a larger beta testing group.

That's the thing, though--we don't stop and think about it, just like we spend money on tickets to magic shows, rather than on books on how to do the tricks ourselves.

And that's the beauty. That's how good Apple is. That's their trick.

Apple knows how to make $30 seems like $0.

"I Think I Dedicated My Life To This."

2011-06-03T12:59:00.000-04:00

There's that saying, the one about sex and pizza, and how both, even if done badly, are still good.

And then there's Danielle, who calls me The Pizza Monster, because no matter what, I'll always eat (probably overeat) pizza. Doesn't matter from where, or when, I'll eat it.

We recently visited the original Frank Pepe in New Haven, so I don't know if I've still got pizza on the brain, but I saw a post on Serious Eats for the documentary The Best Thing I Ever Done, and not to be overly pun-ish, but watching this 16 min. documentary on Di Fara Pizza on Avenue J in Brooklyn, well, it's the best thing I...you get the point:

I'm telling you, if you have an appreciation for pizza, or honesty, or a life lived in pursuit of a singular dream, a nose to the grindstone (or the oven, as it may be), if you spend time wondering what the fuck is the meaning of waking up everyday, and happiness, and all that bullshit--then, I think you will really, really appreciate this 16 min. homage to what it means to do one thing and do it well.

And there are also the pearls of wisdom, straight from the mouth of Domenico DeMarco:

I think I dedicated my life to this. It's what I wanna do, you know. You must love what you do, if you no love what you do, don't do it. Some people, they say, "I hate my job." So what do they do it for, you know?

And please don't suck your teeth at what, on the surface, looks to be more of that bubble gum psychology, self-help banal-ness. The above italicized quote is the broken English credo of a man who looks down at his hands and estimates that he's made over a million pizzas, has taken one vacation in twenty years.

There's an honesty captured in The Best Thing I Ever Done that is indescribable.

You'll feel it, I promise.

Cutting Granite & Bee Hive Removal

2011-05-26T10:08:00.000-04:00

"A face that makes you curse comprehensive nuclear disarmament."

Not posting, I know. Small things are going up at:

Not Stolen. Permanently Borrowed.

I'm tweeting with some regularity in the usual spot.

Big personal things going on, adult things, like Home Ownership and moving and painting and using spackle and compound and cutting granite and bee hive removal.

I live in the country now.

You should read The Pale King.

You should listen to The Gaslight Anthem and Odd Future and The Rolling Stones.

You should stop complaining so much and just listen.

You should buy my book.

What did Oprah say? Not goodbye, just see you in a bit?

Or was that Jesus?

Either way.

A Good Time For Great Music

2011-04-18T11:31:00.000-04:00

So with Baseball season starting and the NHL and NBA playoffs (finally) starting and The Pale King being released (early) and a lack of Apple products (besides the iPad 2, which is a fantastic device, worth selling the first iPad for, and also doublespeak-worthy, in that is really is everything you/I loved about the first iPad, except better), and settling into reading 10 or so submissions a week for PANK Magazine, and tinkering with Whitney (actually doing a draft I called 2.1, since I made some changes, but only to three chapters), and then sending that out to some more agents, and after also deciding I needed to "finish" a new short story, I've been busy.

And with Twitter acting as an outlet for my in-the-moment snark, frustration, and literary quotes, and with Tumblr allowing me to post single pieces of media, I've realized that this blog platform falls strangely in-between--deserving of more attention, but not too much attention. Edits, but only one or two. Pictures, but not focused-on pictures.

To focus, to focus.

At the moment, there is an abundance of new music to keep me distracted, via an old favorite, a newer favorite, and an even newer favorite, all fresh offerings, and all, in my singular opinion, worthy of your time and money.

First is the latest from Atmosphere, their seventh album, The Family Sign. This is a really solid release. I've listened to it four times and each time wound up liking it more and more. It's a hearty, mature record, which, when combined with Slug's ever-increasing comfort in his own skin and something always bordering on braggadocio, makes for an interesting combination. A fuck-you-this-is-the-record-I-needed-to-make-regardless-of-what-the-me-10-years-ago-would-think vibe that I, as I go through similar life changes, can really appreciate.

This link provides a bunch of places to purchase The Family Sign from, and here's a couple of videos that have already been released of the songs She's Enough (one of my favorites) and Just For Show, respectively:

To be fair, the next two albums I haven't actually listened to yet. Just haven't had the time, but from all the reviews I've read, and historically-speaking, both are incredibly solid and again, deserve your money.

First is TV On The Radio's latest, Nine Types Of Light. There's all types of stuff to collect from this release--the album itself, iTunes-only bonus tracks, the film that accompanies all of the music on the album:

which is a just-shy-of-60-minutes never-ending music video, and don't forget the concert that they did for Letterman. Considering how good everything else TV On The Radio has ever put out is, I don't expect to be dissapointed.

Then, there's the latest release by Animal Collective artist Panda Bear, entitled Tomboy. If you don't have PB's '07 release Person Pitch, get that too. I refuse to link to PB's MySpace page, so just search for it in the iTunes store. This is next-level music that never fails to inspire me. I always want to use the word "lush" when I hear it.

And as a bonus, because I am always in a rush to go back and understand the music that came before what I think now is just the cat's meow, I've been digging through The Rolling Stones' catalog over the last two months. I have only begun to realize just how great of a band they are. Just because Let It Bleed is where I'm currently positioned, here's a tiny sliver of a sample:

If you're interested, start with the really early Stones stuff, like England's Newest Hit Makers and 12 X 5.

And as always, feel free to get at me with thoughts on my recommendations, and anything you might have.

An Open Letter to The Book Publishing Industry

2011-03-30T10:23:00.000-04:00

Dear Book Publishing Industry,

I purchased The Fighter on DVD when it was released on Tuesday, 15 March 2011. More specifically, my wife Danielle purchased the "Blu-ray/DVD Combo + Digital Copy," as it was listed, on her day off, from Target. After tax, Danielle paid $24 (rounded). Please note that this was a first day sale price. The same package is now retailing for $30.

With the rise of Netflix/Hulu/Apple TV, my DVD purchasing ways have slowed, and just in time, as the five DVD towers in my living room, which currently hold 262 DVDs, are beginning to take on a life of their own. But from time to time, I still get the urge to buy the "real" copy of a film, especially when I see the Blu-ray/DVD/Digital combo.

Why?

Well, the Blu-ray part is obvious. The Standard DVD I probably won't ever use, but the Digital Copy is where I get excited--I open the iTunes Store on my computer, plug in the little code from the card that comes packaged with the two discs, and download the file. That file can then be synced to the various iPads and iPhones and iPods that live in my home, as well as streamed to my Apple TV.

Now, I could have purchased The Fighter, via iTunes, for $20 (this price will drop over time). I also could have rented it via iTunes for $5. I could have watched that digital copy in all of the same places as the $24 physical copy, and I (Danielle) wouldn't have even had to leave the house. But I didn't want the digital copy.

Why?

I don't know, really. Sure, it's partly because I still appreciate the quality of a Blu-ray disc of a film that I enjoyed as much as The Fighter, but is that really it?

Or is it that by going with the physical combo pack, it basically feels like I'm getting three copies of the film for the cost of one?

To be fair, it's probably a combination of both.

So, BPI, why am I going on about a DVD?

I'm a huge fan of David Foster Wallace. On 15 April 2011, his unfinished novel The Pale King will be released. Pre-orders for it have been live for about a month now. I haven't pre-ordered it, though.

Why?

When I read DFW's magnum opus Infinite Jest, I read the physical copy (soft cover). All 1,079 pages of it. As I read, I kept a finger tucked in the back of the book, a placeholder for where I'd left off in the footnotes, which, if you haven't read Infinite Jest, is an essential part of the experience (there are almost 100 pages of footnotes). I'd flip forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards, over and over, for the entire time it took me to finish the book, probably around two months.

As you can imagine, reading a book that weighs 1,106 grams (2 pounds, 7 ounces) in this manner is annoying, to put it mildly.

Enter the iPad.

I've read two of DFW's books on the iPad. Both contained footnotes. I was able to access them by touching a hyperlink in the text, which whisked me to the corresponding footnote in the digital "back" of the book. When I was done, I was able to press a return prompt, which took me back to (roughly) where I had left off (both ebooks had a weird quirk where if the footnote was at the top half of the page, it took me back to the previous page).

Needless to say, this made the experience that much more enjoyable, and it was much easier on the wrists.

Hopefully, you're starting to see my dilemma.

BPI, I know The Pale King contains footnotes. This alone should be enough to sway me towards pre-ordering the digital version.

But a part of me still loves the physical presence of a "real" book, especially one by one of my "Desert Island" authors, just like I still buy CDs from my Desert Island musicians, just like I still buy Blu-ray discs of my Desert Island films.

If only there were a way to combine the two urges.

If only the industry capable of this was hungry enough to realize that the winds of change are a-blowin', as iPads and Kindles and Nooks become more and more popular.

Enough of the nonsense, BPI--on 15 April 2011, why won't I be able to buy The Pale King Combo Pack?

Why?

I've tried to look at it from your aging perspective and it still doesn't make any goddamn sense. Presumably The Pale King Combo Pack would be a shrink-wrapped physical book, inside of which is a card that has three codes on it--one code for iBooks, one code for Amazon, maybe even a code for Nook users--which would allow the buyer to download the ebook of The Pale King from the virtual bookstore of their choosing.

If that doesn't work for you, this card could be inside a smaller shrink-wrapped pocket on the inside of the back cover, if you don't want to take the time (read: spend the money) to shrink wrap the book. Shit, the card could be kept at the register if you don't want to change the book at all.

And yes, BPI, it would be for "free," if by "free" you mean that the presence of this card does not increase the price.

I know, I know--tough for you to swallow.

But here's what I, the consumer, who at the age of 26 already has 4 full-sized bookcases in my one bedroom apartment, is trying to point out to you:

In the iBooks store, The Pale King costs $15, and this price will decrease over time.

In Barnes & Noble, on 15 April, after my Member Discount, I will probably pay close to $20 for the hardcover of The Pale King, and this price will increase eventually.

(And just so you know, and this isn't as fact-based as the other points here, but for the first time in a long time, I'm considering not renewing my B&N membership. Why? I don't do 100% of my book buying at B&N anymore. Not even close.)

And even after taking all of this into account, I would still gladly pay the $20 for the physical version (remember The Fighter on Blu-ray?)--but even more so if I got the ebook too.

Yes, BPI, I know what you're thinking--there's a good chance I'll still buy the hardcover version over the ebook, since I already expressed an unconscious desire to own the "real" version of an admitted favorite.

And I know what else you're thinking--why should you start giving me more product for the same amount of money?

Well, here's what it comes down to: Are you really willing to risk the $5? (Really more, because you don't profit from the B&N Member Discount.)

Better yet--are you willing to risk it for each member of the ever-dissipating group of people who think like me?

While I can't tell you for sure what I will do on 15 April, I can tell you 100% what I will not do:

Purchase both the physical copy and the ebook.

So I guess you're going to wait it out. In a way, that makes sense. No rush to judgement, and all that jazz.

But while you're waiting to see how it all shakes out, I'm going to be falling more and more for the iPad (I got the 2, BPI. So thin! So light!), and iBooks (which I recently started using on my iPhone too--you would be amazed how easy the Retina Display makes it), as well as all of the little conveniences the switch to ebooks brings to my obsessive reading life: Sick in bed? No problem. Wife asleep next to me? Who cares. Started reading on my iPhone, and want to continue reading on my iPad later? It syncs where I left off.

Cool, right?

(And I don't know if you noticed, BPI, but the iBooks catalog just got a whole lot deeper.)

Also worth noting, BPI--I never saw Winter's Bone, an Oscar contender that I absolutely loved, in the theater. I streamed a beautiful HD version of it to my Apple TV. For $5. I watched it on my 42" television, on my nice, comfortable living room couch, my wife next to me in her leather recliner.

Oh, and the new Kanye record? (I know, I know--I'm a slightly hipstery douche who still calls albums "records.") Got it it in the iTunes store. Eleven bucks. The second it was released to the public. Came with a really slick .pdf of the album artwork and all the liner notes, which I was able to check out on my 20" iMac.

This is not a letter asking you to set a precedent, BPI.

This is not a letter asking you to be the one who creates a New World Order.

I just want you to make it easier for me.

I just want to be able to justify spending more money on a less superior version of your product, because it is a product that I can't live without.

Musicians got the message.

The film industry even seems to be coming around.

Are you listening?

Sincerely,
A Reader

Backbone, or the story formerly known as The Boy

2011-03-01T13:17:00.000-05:00

A couple of days ago, I began re-reading D.T. Max's New Yorker piece on David Foster Wallace. Someone had reposted it on 21 February, DFW's birthday.

Yesterday morning, I posted a link to the story on my Tumblr--after finishing the piece, I was enamored with this quote:

He wrote to DeLillo that he thought he knew what was missing to get his fiction moving forward: “I believe I want adult sanity, which seems to me the only unalloyed form of heroism available today.”

Coincidentally, yesterday was also the day that someone on Twitter alerted me (us) to the fact that DFW has a new story in the most recent New Yorker, and that the story is now available online. See:

Backbone

Now, if you're an Artificial Night reader, or a reader of 454 W 23rd St New York, NY 10011—2157, the story Backbone isn't new to you. As both of those hyperlinks prove, you know this story already as The Boy.

Apparently, the story has been edited, and is now officially being billed as an excerpt from The Pale King, which is due to be released on 15 April.

Being the awesome people that they are, 454 W 23rd St New York, NY 10011—2157 already has a document ready for us that highlights the additions/subtrations that make Backbone not The Boy.

It isn't a secret that DFW struggled to finish The Pale King, but the fact that Backbone--prose DFW had already written and was reading publicly in 2000--is part of the text really highlights the amount of time he spent with it.

15 April can't come soon enough.

What A Writer Thinks When They See Poorly Branded Technology

2011-02-25T11:40:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, Apple refreshed their MacBook Pro line, taking them from drool-worthy to We’re-going-to-get-high-and-listen-to-Miles-Davis (ding! Mad Men reference!). As per the norm, I’m admitting up-front that I’m not qualified enough to espouse on the what and why behind the increased computing power (if you’re anything like me, you’d benefit much more by getting yourself a MacBook Air and/or waiting until they make MBPs more like MBAs, but that’s another blog post). Instead, what I want to do is focus on one specific new feature.

--

Thunderbolt. It’s a new technology from Intel, new to Apple products, and is used, in the most basic sense, to transfer data. Dumbing it down even further, this is what Intel, and Apple, since they’re standing behind it, hopes will eventually replace (be used in conjunction with) your USB port and/or your FireWire port. For people who use external displays, it will also used for that. Thunderbolt is actually pretty neat, as you can see in this info from 9to5 Mac:

Light Peak is significantly faster than any of the other connection technology currently on the market. For comparison, Firewire 400 is 400 Mbps, Firewire 800 is 800 Mbps, USB2 is 480 Mbps, and USB3 (which never appeared on a Mac) is 3.2 Gbps. Light Peak comes in at a whopping 10 Gbps making it close to three times faster than USB 3, and over 10 times faster than Firewire 800. Although this won’t matter too much for Mac users, Light Peak can transfer an entire Blu-Ray movie in under 30 seconds.

Now you’re probably thinking: Wait, you said Thunderbolt. What is Light Peak?

Light Peak is what Intel used as a "code-name" for now-officially-branded Thunderbolt. So I should say, Thunderbolt is Light Peak.

Enter: my frustration.

Any decent writer knows the importance of a good name. If Fight Club had been started by a guy named Gerald Stricklenbocker, rather than Tyler Durden, would it have been quite as believable as an underground boxing cult that was capable of taking over the world? Exactly. The same principle is applied in product branding. Time and time again, products with “good” names sell better than products with shitty names.

Simple. So what’s so bad about Thunderbolt?

First, what we’re talking about here is data transfer. Which we (the unassuming computing public) think of in terms of--speed. Apple’s Thunderbolt info page confirms this. With a connection like this, we use words like “time,” and “seconds,” and “over”: “I’m transferring it over USB.”

However, Thunderbolt, which appears to be a portmanteau of “Thunder” and “Lightning Bolt,”*** which is confirmed by the symbol used in the logo and on the computer:

is comprised of two words that don't help us to instantly think of speed. We've got an auditory descriptor—after all, we hear thunder, and “bolt” which does nothing to help our sense of speed, because it is a visual descriptor--we see lightning.

***It was just pointed out to me that "Thunderbolt" is actually a word:

So while it is not a portmanteau, it still doesn't make sense.

So what about what we see when we hear Thunderbolt? The logo/icon above, compounds the confusion. If it looks familiar, it should:

OK, maybe not the last one, but the first two? That’s the symbol (international?) for DANGER! HIGH VOLTAGE!, which I suppose could be seen as a symbol of speed (maybe? like in the TOUCH THIS AND YOU'LL DIE FAST sense?), but I’m not sure it’s got the connotation that Intel/Apple wants, even if it could. To me, it has, and always will be synonymous with—DANGER! Even Marilyn Manson thought so:

And DANGER!, or Marilyn Manson, isn't what you want people thinking of before they plug in their $1,000 external monitor, or transfer their collection of 1,600 cat pictures.

--

So Thunderbolt doesn’t sound right, and it doesn’t look right. What would work better, you ask?

How about what Intel “code-named” it?

Light Peak!

Because the data transferred over it (OH MY GOD! REMEMBER THE TIME WE DRESSED THE CAT UP LIKE A POLICE OFFICER!) moves at the speed of—light!

When you use it you get—peak performance!

If you do a Google Image search for “Light Peak,” 5 of the first 20 results include this photo:

We still need an icon, right? That image, specifically the ends of the 4 wires, each bursting with light—would be goddamn perfect. I made an (incredibly) crude drawing of it:

It’s got marketing built into it, too:

It’s not USB 2, what we use now, or USB 3, what’s coming, it’s Light Peak—it must be faster—IT’S GOT 4 WIRES!

(And I’m sure people who know way more than I do about technology are shaking their head right now, but c’mon, you know it’s true—this is how people (your mom, my mom, his mom, her mom) think.)

Maybe, as usual, I'm putting too much thought into it.

Since there aren’t even any products on the market (yet) that can take advantage of Light P—Thunderbolt technology, it is impossible to speculate how successful it will be. Maybe it will be great, after all, speed junkies will be speed junkies, regardless of the name.

But technology isn’t thought-up and marketed for/to speed junkies. They will always buy the latest and fastest. Technology and the accompanying marketing strategies are crafted very, very specifically so that your mom and my mom and his mom and her mom will have an easy-as-pie choice to make when faced with something they don't truly understand, but know they need, all while not wanting to look stupid:

2? 3? 4! Yes, 4! That’s what I need!

The technology enthusiast in me is excited for the speed Thunderbolt promises.

But the writer in me can’t ignore the possibility that Thunderbolt might turn out to be a—power outage.

Media Purge

2011-02-24T10:14:00.000-05:00

I've posted before about my love for Instapaper (shit, I'm pretty sure I've started a post with that exact sentence). Besides using it to read long articles on my iPad/iPhone, I also use it as a staging area for ideas/inspiration for future posting--bigger issues that I can blog about, or single bits of media that I can post about on Tumblr (tumble about?).

Sometimes, I get a bit of backlog--too much cool shit at once. The internet moves at a pace that doesn't allow for one tumble (?) a day, so I'm breaking my (newish) rule and devoting a blog post to a few single bits of media, mostly because I'm tired of waiting.

First, via my good friend @ViralRobby, is:

Arcade Fire's win at the Grammys made my fucking week, so naturally, some humility is probably in order. Also worth checking out is Who Is Arcade Fire??!!?

Next, via Brian Francis, who's been introducing me to quality, thought-provoking shit since High School, is:

At 19 years old, Tyler, The Creator is about to, at the very least, change hip hop, at least for a little while. Also worth mentioning is this video:

Kanye West has already proclaimed it the video of 2011.

Next, via Daring Fireball, is:

Click to enlarge

So cool.

And last, but not least, via one of my favorite Tumblrs, 454 W 23rd St New York, NY 10011—2157, is:

Some more and less helpful things for the lucky jerk reading ‘Infinite Jest’ for the first time.

Dope.

Hope you enjoyed this media purge as much as I did.

A Review Of The Suburbs (And the suburbs)

2011-02-14T11:00:00.001-05:00

Maybe I'm so in love with The Suburbs because it came at the perfect time in my life.

--

Arcade Fire's third studio album The Suburbs was released on 2 August 2010, a Monday. I don't think I purchased it until that Saturday, though. I remember Danielle had worked the nightshift on Friday, so when she came home with the car that Saturday morning, I drove to Best Buy and she went to sleep.

I unwrapped the packaging (the Best Buy in Hartsdale only had one of the 8 different covers, so I didn't have to make any tough choices there) in the car and put the CD on. I was familiar with the eponymous first track, as it had been released earlier that summer along with "Month Of May," the album's tenth track.

The two songs were an odd marriage, which, probably not coincidentally, are an apt description of AF's music overall--loud and soft, sweet and sour, gentle and brash. The songs were intentional though. They highlighted the fact that neither represented the album as a whole and were intent on laying the ground rules for what the extremes of the album would be.

We just didn't know that then.

--

After completing "Ready To Start," probably the album's most free-standing track, I figured I should probably drive home. By the time I'd pulled into my parking space, I'd made my way through maybe two or three more songs. It hit me that as soon as I went inside, I wouldn't be able to experience any more of what was already obviously an outstanding musical performance, as my midwife fiancée was asleep inside after spending the night delivering babies.

(I've got this thing--I don't like experiencing albums for the first time wearing headphones. I'm a sonic range guy, and no matter how good your headphones are, they will never compare to a pair of well-placed speakers.)

After spending five minutes debating sitting in the car for 50 minutes to finish the album, I went inside.

My first listen of The Suburbs was hushed--one volume notch on my computer's audio level, huddled close, following along with the lyrics, my pointer finger keeping the lines straight.

(I should, at this point, take the time to explain that in August of 2010, I was two months away from getting married, a certain amount of time that I don't remember--more than a year and a half at least--into quitting smoking, eating right, and exercising frequently, if not obsessively, and generally moving away from a mental state that could be described as precarious to stable. I'd graduated with an MFA in fiction almost two years prior and was still forcing myself to tell people I was a writer, rather than an administrative assistant. I lived--live--we live, where I work--on the Manhattanville College campus in Purchase, New York. A big zip code for not so big incomes, but for two kids from The Bronx, the quiet is deafening in all of the best ways, even if from time to time it is a bit--intimidating.)

(Out the front door of our building, maybe fifteen steps, is a field, maybe 200 yards across, until the residence halls across the way. Danielle and I, in the two ((three?)) years we've lived here, have taken to "sitting out," a practice that followed us north, the best kind of childhood nostalgia, no longer on the front stoop of our homes in the big bad crumbling definite article-preceded borough, now facing out on what is, to us, an expanse that offers--peace? Is that what it is? In the summer, and in the spring, and in the fall, we sit in our fold-up chairs and I can't speak for her, but I know that I sit and I fight the urge to say something. I feel it. I have it in my mouth, the feeling that comes right before I say--something, but then nothing comes out. And that felt wrong at first, like realizing I was grinding my teeth. I can't speak to what I'm feeling, because it is only expressed in the sounds around us, sounds that I'm sure you could guess what they are, and the feeling.)

(And there is always the sense, not that I've "made it," because making it means an ending has been reached, but that this is where I'm supposed to be right now. It takes a long time to reach that place. 26 years in my case. But when you realize that not everybody does it that quickly, and that, shit, some people never reach it at all, you take the time to inhale it and watch it and stich it into your memory and maybe smoke a cigar or two in celebration. And I could bore you with our conversations about the meaning of happiness and how it isn't about finding what it is that makes you happy, but instead, taking the time to realize that you already are happy, and making peace with the this-is-as-good-as-it-gets factor. But this was supposed to be a review of The Suburbs, and is instead becoming a review of the suburbs.)

--

So this birds-are-chirping, you-are-exactly-where-you-should-be state is where The Suburbs entered my life and promptly became the soundtrack of said life.

I took these pictures during one of our "sitting out" sessions that August, as we re-played The Suburbs again and again through our tiny cell phone speakers:

When I posted them on Twitter, I captioned them "She was shocked in the suburbs" and "He was shocked in the suburbs," paying tribute to what should be a throwaway spoken-word line in the beginning of "Month Of May," but what has remained for me as one of the defining moments of the album.

Watch Arcade Fire perform, especially tracks from The Suburbs. Tell me they aren't soaking it up, even if they're playing whatever track they're playing for the umpteenth time. They are smiling, basking in the glow of musical composition, the celebration of a time and a place.

As we watched their Grammy performance last night, Danielle said, "It just looks like they're having fun," and while she was right, I don't think she realized the depth of her comment.

Just have fun. Youth sports. Little League. Bike riding (think their stage design was a coincidence?). Simple. Nostalgia.

The mistake I made was thinking that once one manged to wrangle happiness, it would remain there, submissive. But it doesn't. Just like The Suburbs, it ebbs and flows, has loud moments and quiet moments, and eventually, ends.

But then there is the living--for those ups and downs, for those moments like at the end of their "acceptance speech" last night, which was really just Arcade Fire's Holy Shit, We Really Won? sputterings, when Win Butler said:

Thank you. We're gonna go play another song--'cause we like music.

Like somebody and a million others once said, "Just go out there and have some fun."

And then there are the words echoed on multiple songs on The Suburbs, at first triumphantly displayed, and then whispered by the end:

Sometimes I can't believe it/I'm moving past the feeling/Again

That notion--of not being able to believe in something you've already experienced, but that you know you will likely experience again--it sticks with you. The meaning changes each time, maybe because the music plays in your head, or maybe because you bring something different to it each time, but it stays.

As I said earlier, maybe I'm so in love with The Suburbs because it came at the perfect time in my life. And maybe you shouldn't trust this as a "review" of the album, because I'm obviously one biased motherfucker.

Or, maybe you should believe me.

Maybe I really was exactly where I was supposed to be.

The Conversation In The Car Park Afterwards

2011-02-10T11:24:00.001-05:00

If you don't know who Banksy is, I'm not going to be the one to tell you. There are plenty of people out there who know way more than I do.

What I am going to tell you is to check out the documentary he made, "Exit Through The Gift Shop."

"EXIT tells the story of Thierry Guetta, a French immigrant in Los Angeles, and his obsession with street art. The film charts Guetta's constant documenting of his every waking moment on film, from a chance encounter with his cousin, the artist Invader, to his introduction to a host of street artists with a focus on Shepard Fairey and Banksy..."

If that's not enough to get you interested, read this All These Wonderful Things interview, which was what inspired me to post about EXIT. One of my favorite bits:

All These Wonderful Things: What do you think that you discovered about the form of documentary while making this movie and is there any correlation to your other artistic work? Were you a fan of documentary prior to making the film and, if so, what were some of your favorite films? Did any of them influence what you did on EXIT?

B: I’m from a generation for whom documentary isn’t a dirty word. It doesn’t have to mean endless shots of penguins set to classical music. Michael Moore and Morgan Spurlock seemed completely punk to me. And the most punk thing of all was they brought their story undiluted to the multiplex.

Documentaries have an important role in recording culture that’s unlikely to make it into the history books. DOGTOWN AND Z-BOYS was the Bill of Rights for skate culture. Having said that, my film was never going to be an authoritative history of street art. Or even an authoritative history of the selling-out of street art. We realized halfway through the edit that the ending needed to be as unresolved as possible. I’ve learnt from experience that a painting isn’t finished when you put down your brush – that’s when it starts. The public reaction is what supplies meaning and value. Art comes alive in the arguments you have about it. If we’ve done our job properly with EXIT, then the best part of the entire movie is the conversation in the car park afterwards.

The bold is my addition, included because in this writer's humble opinion, that final sentence highlights what should be the aim of every film, regardless of genre, maybe even of art in general.

Oh, and because we're a visual culture, here's EXIT's trailer:

And if you don't check out Banksy's official site, you're a fool.

Because God Loves Ugly. And Family.

2011-02-07T09:42:00.000-05:00

So here's some good news--12 April 2011.

That is when Atmosphere will release their latest LP, "The Family Sign."

While the double EP "To All My Friends, Blood Makes the Blade Holy" filled the space since their last LP, "When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold," and it was a good effort, but not a Lucy Ford-esque EP effort, there's nothing like a proper (yup, Pitchfork, I jacked your adjective. Don't be mad though. It stuck out because I've still got Animal Kingdom slang in my head.) LP release.

This morning, Pitchfork posted an interview with Sean Daley, who already appears to be on his online media grind.

Here's one of my favorite snippets:

Pitchfork: On the last record, When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold, you seemed to be rapping more about people other than yourself. From what you say, this one is more about you and the people around you.

S: Lemons was an exercise for me-- I needed to see how far I could go with these eighth grade creative writing skills I got. And there are a lot of fictitious narratives on this one, too, so I don't know how to categorize it. I'm seen as the guy that creates autobiographical songs and I let people run with it. But let's be honest. If those songs were autobiographical, I would've died from, like, whiskey poisoning. So they're really my interpretations based on details. Ultimately, I'm a rapper and I have to try and make myself cooler than I actually am.

Yes.

12 April can't come soon enough.

Read the rest of the interview here.

Check out of the official Rhymesayers PR here.

The MacBook Air--Now Made With Real Air!

2011-02-04T09:43:00.000-05:00

You say you want to know how light the new MacBook Air is?

This light:

Boom!

(Actually, maybe even obviously, this isn't real. Here's the long-winded science behind why it isn't possible. You should read it if you want to feel smart. Or dumb, depending on your situation. Otherwise, here's the spoiler, as you probably guessed: really thin fishing line.)

Still cool, right?

The King's (Real) Speech

2011-02-01T10:40:00.001-05:00

Taking a cue from yesterday's Oscars-favorite themed post, I decided to follow-up with another video, also from Devour.

The King's Speech is a great film, even if it is somewhat predictable. It features three great performances from Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, and Helena Bonham Carter, and highlights a story that most people aren't aware of.

As was the case yesterday, while a bunch of facts were distorted in the interest of good story-telling (never let facts get in the way of a good story), what can't be ignored is that King George VI did have a stuttering problem, a problem that is painfully evident in the following video--actual footage of King George VI delivering a speech in Scotland.

No date is given.

Micky vs. Marky

2011-01-31T11:50:00.002-05:00

If you haven't seen The Fighter yet, put it at the top of your must-see-before-my-Oscars-pool-ballot-is-due list. Christian Bale's portrayal of Dicky Eklund is phenomenal--maybe the best performance of his career.

As is the case with most films, especially when actual sporting events are involved, and even more so in the boxing world, The Fighter is filled with slight inaccuracies and dodges and burns meant to make a really cool true story into a believable, money-making narrative tale.

Posted on Devour today, "Micky vs. Marky" is a video by Kevin B. Lee that compares the fictional fight between Micky Ward and Shea Neary against the actual footage of the real fight.

Considering this video is basically all copyright-protected content, I would suggest watching it as soon as possible, as it won't remain up on the internet for long.

Scenario Two

2011-01-26T09:47:00.001-05:00

If you follow me on Twitter, you've probably noticed that I've been on a three week Mad Men binge. I watched when it premiered in 2007 and quickly gave up. At that point, it just didn't keep my attention. But the hype never seemed to die down, and when I recently saw the first season on sale for $12, I thought I would give it another shot.

Best decision I've made, televison-wise, in a long time.

--

On 17 January 2011, I tweeted:

"Watching Mad Men has allowed me to understand Sarah Palin. Every time I see one of her quotes, I hear Don Draper explaining it to her."

That thought came about because of this tweet by CNN's Political Ticker a few minutes earlier:

"Palin: 'I am not going to shut up' - http://bit.ly/hHZUZ6"

--

Since my tweet, I've been unable to let go of that thought--what if Don Draper was advising Sarah Palin?

Scenario Two is my attempt to answer that question.

--

(Sitting in Don Draper's office just one day after Gabrielle Giffords' shooting are Don Draper, Roger Sterling, and Sarah Palin. This is a post-meeting meeting. No smarmy interruptions from Pete Campbell. No artistic awkwardness from Sal Romano. Sarah wants "the facts, the meat separated from the pelt," as she has just put it.)

Sarah: So, boys, how are we going to fix this?

Roger: Lots of ice.

(Roger gets up and makes three drinks.)

Don: Sarah, you've got a problem.

Sarah: I sure do. There's a congresswoman near dead, and some civilians dead, and there's a mob of leftist lame-stream media lovers out there saying Sarah Palin, voice of the people, is to blame.

Roger: (speaking over his shoulder) Is it too soon to say that they've got you in their crosshairs?

Don: (lights a cigarette) Look, to a portion of the population, you're an American flag-wrapped mystic. Patriotism boiled down to its pure essence.

Sarah: You're darn tootin'.

Don: But there is another segment of society that views you as an incredibly disruptive force. A tornado of rhetoric.

Sarah: Communists. Socialists. Obama-lovers. History recessionists.

Roger: (hands out the drinks and sits down) Revisionists?

Sarah: (cuts her eyes at Roger) You ever see what happens when a Mama Grizzly gets corrected?

Don: (stubs out cigarette) My point is this--in politics, there will always be--division. You can either try your hardest to get your choir to sing louder. Or. You can switch the other choir's sheet music when they're not looking.

Sarah: Are you saying we should release some type of album or song?

Don: (lights a cigarette) Sarah, why are you telling me to shut up?

Sarah: I'm not telling you to shut up.

Don: (stubs out cigarette) Roger?

Roger: (feigns spilling some of his drink as he swallows) Did I just hear somebody tell Don to shut up? Nobody tells Don to shut up! I'm voting for Don because his voice is my voice and I sure as hell won't be silenced.

(Roger mimics voting for Don.)

Don: (turns to Sarah) There's no rule that says that you need to be told to shut up before you can say that you aren't going to shut up.

Sarah: …

Don: (lights a cigarette) The power of the American people lies in how and when we react. What we lack in our ability to be proactive, we make up for in our reactive skills. Your place in politics is clear--you're a reactionist. And good for you. People love that because that's what they are. You thrive off of the judgment of already-made decisions, just like the rest of us.

Roger: (standing at the bar again, shaking a cocktail shaker) The communists were proactive. Look where that got them.

Don: The American people don't want some slick, proactive, forward-thinking hero. Being proactive means thinking ahead. Thinking ahead means sitting down and listing all of the possible negative outcomes. Possible negative outcomes breed fear. Fear paralyzes.

Sarah: You ever see a Mama Grizzly paralyzed by fear?

Don: (stubs out cigarette) Exactly.

Roger: I once saw Marion Turnbow paralyzed by fear. But I had just dropped my pants. And this was after a bottle of scotch, so--

Don: When people vote, they don't vote on the issues or religion or flag burning's legality or the size of the deficit. They close the shade, stare up at the names, and think, "Yeah, I could have a beer with that guy." Women? They say, "In a moment of weakness? Sure, I would sleep with him."

Roger: Reagan? After a speech? For Christ's sake--I would have slept with him.

Don: (lights a cigarette) The way I see it, this all plays out in one of two ways. Scenario one--you admit you were wrong. You appear with babies of all races and do your best impersonation of--humble. You light some memorial candles. You donate a star in someone's name. And sure, maybe there will be some media coverage of how sincere you are, and how apparently there is a side of you that appears willing to--do the right thing, whatever that means.

Sarah: Humble?

Don: (stubs out cigarette) Then there's scenario two.

Roger: (rubbing his hands) He always saves the good stuff for scenario two.

Don: (lights a cigarette) You go out there and you tell them that the truth cannot be silenced. That freedom never takes a day off. That injustice is always lurking. And that you. Are not going. To shut up. Because the day that you shut up is the day that injustice strikes. The day you shut up is the day that freedom finally calls in sick. The truth? Raped and left for dead the day that you shut up.

Roger: (shaking his head and smiling) See what I mean?

Sarah: I still haven't heard who exactly is telling me to shut up. Because Mama Grizzlies--

Don: No one--is telling you to shut up. And that's exactly why you are going to respond, clear as day, that you are not going to shut up.

Roger: Everybody check your pockets.

Don: (stubs out cigarette)

Sarah: So that's it? I am not going to shut up?

Don: Never. Every time, that is what you'll say. I am not going to shut up. It will be physically impossible for you to shut up. You shutting up would be like a shark ceasing to move.

Sarah: Me shutting up would be like--a Mama Grizzly not fighting for her cubs!

Don: (half-mouthed smile)

Roger: (claps his hands together) All this telling someone to shut up talk--I need to call my wife.

(Everyone laughs. They all stand up and shake hands.)

Sarah: Mr. Draper, Mr. Sterling. A pleasure, as always.

Roger: Glad to have helped with this--momentary distraction.

Sarah: (raises her fist in the air) I am not going to shut up!

Roger: (points at her and winks) That'a girl. Just don't teach that to my daughter.

(Roger puts his arm around Sarah's shoulders and they both walk out.)

(Don falls back down into his chair, emotionally exhausted. He lights a cigarette and contemplatively looks at the wall across the room, on which a vintage map of the earth is hanging. The map's maker must have been quite the patriot, as the USA's landmass is totally out of proportion with the rest of the world. It is almost the same size as Africa. Don drags on his cigarette. The first jangly, reverb-soaked notes of Aretha Franklin's "Chain of Fools" plays.)

(Cut to black.)

(The song continues to play.)

(The credits roll.)

The Plan

2011-01-18T10:42:00.000-05:00

If I had to point to where the problem started, or at least where it seemed to manifest most often, I’d probably go with Address Book.

My OCD flares up especially violently when it comes to the keeping of contacts—whether it is in Mac OS X’s Address Book, which syncs with my iPhone and my iPad, or in Gmail, which I use for work email and as a secondary personal address. I like everything to be in sync and I don’t mind taking the time to do this by hand. I know there are software and syncs and fancy ways to keep everything in order, but I don't fully trust them, so every couple of months, I line everything up straight and go person by person and just make sure its all—right.

The only problem with my system?

I’m married.

Correction--I’m married to someone who does not put the same—emphasis—on virtual address book stability.

Long ago, I stopped entering people into my phones and devices as nicknames and relatives as “Grandma” and “Uncle.”

My wife?

Not so much.

Compounding the problem is the fact that she uses Gmail—which up until not too long ago, saved every person she emailed in the same amorphous spot. Sure, it differentiated “My” contacts from “All” contacts, but she never took the time to prune, and so naturally, she wound up with a wildly overgrown heap of upper and lowercase names, nicknames, cursewords, and handles, with no rhyme or reason to any of it.

(And please know—this is a professional woman we’re talking about. She’s got 300+ contacts, most of which are in the medical field. It baffles me, but at the end of the day, it works for her.)

But as a couple, we share contacts. She texts her cousin. I text her cousin. She emails her mom, I email her mom. Making duplicates of everyone would be stupid, but at the same time, I’m unwilling to have “Salami” in my phone all because that’s what Danielle used to call this person in grade school, someone that I am now friends with too.

Address Book on the iMac we share was split into two groups: Dole’s Contacts and Lou’s Contacts. For me, everything synced wirelessly, via MobileMe, but Danielle’s didn’t. It updated whenever she synced her phone with iTunes. Me being so contact-conscious, I would make sure that when adding someone to my address book on my phone, I was adding them to “Lou’s Contacts” and not hers. If it were a mutual friend or family member, I would add them to “All.”

Again--her, not so much.

For her, contacts would appear and disappear, mostly because she was adding people in the wrong place, or have entries wiped out when I re-synced, not knowing she'd made changes.

I could now begin to tell you about how a similar problem affected our bookmarks, but besides boring you, I’d probably make a solid case RE: my needing psychiatric help.

Long story short, it became clear that we needed our own computers.

But wait--separate?

For all those members of happy couples out there reading this and nodding, yes, you can say it out loud:

I need my own computer.

It’s okay to say it. Sure, you made a big deal of integrating your DVD collections and your book collections and your laundry and your lives, but it’s okay—you can need things to be separate some times.

Since getting the iPad last April, I’ve told anyone who would listen how it could easily replace a laptop. And I still think it can, at least, for a certain user base. But what it can’t do is be a—home—the same way a desktop or even a laptop can be. This fact is obvious when you unwrap your iPad and the first thing you do is—sync it to a computer.

So after a bunch of debating and processing and planning, Danielle and I decided that I would get my own computer. On it, Address Book would only contain my contacts. Safari would only contain my bookmarks. Mail would only show my mail. Instead of doing this odd shuffle involving flash drives and iDisk when I wanted to work on a document (which happens quite a bit when you’re a writer), no matter where I was, I’d open my computer and just—work on it.

So, okay, yup—it definitely needed to be a laptop.

(If you know me or spend any time reading Artificial Night, you already know I was only thinking about an Apple product, so I’m just going to proceed with that as a known)

Now, the MacBook Air had caught my eye when it was unveiled on 20 October 2010, as it probably did for many of you. It was/is sleek, slim, sexy, and once people got their hands on it, quite capable of some serious computing power, even if on paper the specs didn’t look mind-blowing.

I was still convinced that saving up and waiting for the iPad G2 was the smart bet.

Of course, that was before the I-need-my-own-computer revelation.

Seeing the MBA in person was what sold me. Tiny. Tiny. Because it’s cut on an angle, the front lip is seriously no thicker than your thumb and pointer pinched together. At its fattest in the rear, it is .03 mm taller than the iPhone 4. The 13” model is 1.4 lbs heavier than the iPad, but because the weight is spread out over more mass, when the lid is open, it seriously feels lighter than the iPad.

As you may be able to tell by now, I got it.

The MBA. 13”. 1.86 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo processor. Upgraded to 4 GB of memory.

And let me tell you, this thing sings.

A big concern I’ve seen voiced is the hard drive size—my model came with 128 GB of flash storage. And I agree, by 2011’s standards, that’s pretty small. But since flash storage is 2x as fast as a traditional spinning-disc hard drive, things happen very—quickly, to say the least. And in terms of enough-space-to-keep-your-shit, here’s the thing (and I understand in advance that this only applies to people with a separate “home” computer)—as part of our agreement, Danielle and I said that the iMac would still hold all of our music (mostly mine), movies (again, mostly mine), and photos (a 50-50 split). Because all of my other information would live on my MBA and sync via MobileMe, this was perfect. As of right now, even with all the applications I use installed, I’m occupying a grand total of 18.98 GB. I’ve got 102 GB free.

And should the day come when I run out of space, well, considering one can purchase a 1 TB external hard drive that weighs .44 lbs. for $99, well, let’s just say I’m not too worried.

Also part of the deal Danielle and I made was that I would hand the iMac over to her in pristine condition, which meant doing something I’d wanted to do for quite some time—restore it back to factory settings.

At first, the “restore back to factory” as it came to be known was an area of concern for me. But then I realized a few things. First, Apple’s supplied software would be reinstalled with no problem. Of the software I’d installed, the biggies were also not a problem, since I had all of the installation CDs. Software that I’d purchased online wouldn’t be too difficult either, as I still had all of my registration codes in my email. My personal data (contacts, email, bookmarks) were all saved on multiple devices and in the cloud, thanks to MobileMe. It basically came down to two areas of concern—iTunes and iPhoto.

I’ve got a large music collection. I’m notoriously thorough when it comes to playlists and album artwork (I’m sure you’re shocked by this). I’ve got a large photo collection. This too, is cataloged nicely. While I knew I had the music and the pictures themselves backed up in two different spots, I was concerned that my playlists and the artwork I’d added and the photo albums and the galleries, stuff that I’d put a lot of hours into, would not be preserved.

(I admit, I’m giving myself away here as a novice. I don’t care.)

Except another part of me felt like dropping the Music folder and the Pictures folder right where they normally go would put everything back the way it was.

And of course, it did.

(And yes, it worked out like that because it’s a Mac.)

I couldn’t have completed this process without the help of friends (thanks Adam and Pete!), who talked this whole thing out like, five times, with me and helped me to come up with this fun little to-do list:

The Plan

-Get MBA
-Sync it to MobileMe
-Backup the iMac to the Time Capsule
-Boot the iMac from the Snow Leopard DVD
-Backup the iMac HD to the external HD using Disk Utility
-File>Create Image>HD Name>Read Only
-Test Candybar? (Eject SL DVD, Mount .dmg of backup on external ((don't validate)), get rid of Candybar, reinstall it)
-Eject external HD (from Disk Utility)
-Restore iMac to Factory
-Turn off screensaver
-Software Update
-Reinstall software/apps
-Update all of those
-Mount external HD
-Restore iTunes
-Restore iPhoto

The only other issue was the time it would take to do all of this. That was solved by leaving a day during my Winter Break vacation solely devoted to “The Plan” and occupying the time spent in-between each step to the first season of Mad Men. At the end of the day, the whole process couldn’t have been easier. I plan on making a yearly tradition of it.

Of course, as one would expect, the iMac is running super fast now. Considering I bought the machine in 2007, it feels good to type that.

As for the MBA, well, what can I say?

I love it.

I love the portability. I love the speed. I love the instant-on feature. I love not having Flash installed.

(As of this piece going live, I’ll have had the MBA for three weeks, and I can honestly say the only times I even realized I didn’t have Flash installed was for ESPN highlights and that was solved by the Google Chrome “trick” outlined here. I even uninstalled Flash from the iMac.)

But most of all, I love knowing that my 147 Address Book entries match the 147 contacts in my Gmail, which match the 147 contacts on my iPhone.

Sure, I (read as: we) paid a nice chunk of change for that peace of mind.

But as all married couples learn, especially those of the “newly-” variety, sometimes you can’t put a price on happiness.

Allow Me To Re-Introduce Myself

2011-01-13T14:12:00.000-05:00

Greetings Artificial Night-ers.

I'd wanted to re-do this space for some time now, and my crushing manic surges finally got the best of me. Armed with the latest in technology and not nearly enough technical know-how, I completed, what I think, is a nice little upgrade to my digital man cave.

I tried to keep some things the same, for continuity's sake, while infusing some new features and colors and themes and other assorted detritus. I'm sure I'll think of something that I forgot to add at a completely inopportune time.

I decided it was time to lose the "Greetings from the Apocalypse!" sub-title. I'm not sure why. I think I just stopped finding it funny.

I hope you enjoy.

By Monday/Tuesday, I'll have a new post up.

Until then, here's a neat video I shot using the 8mm Vintage Camera App:

While You're Waiting

2011-01-12T23:15:00.001-05:00

Something to chew on while we spit-shine this place:

Prepare for a much nastier me in 2011.

JS

Two Articles I Would Literally Regret Not Sharing With You

2010-12-22T12:35:00.003-05:00

So I thought I was on holiday break.

But two articles I came across recently are so good that I realized that I would literally regret not sharing them with you.

First is this piece by Ricky Gervais. It's from The Wall Street Journal and it explores the roots of his atheism. Comedians are some of the brightest users of language around, so it should come as no surprise that this piece is sharp, cutting, and extremely thought-provoking. Here is just one of the many outstanding passages that the piece contains:

The dictionary definition of God is “a supernatural creator and overseer of the universe.” Included in this definition are all deities, goddesses and supernatural beings. Since the beginning of recorded history, which is defined by the invention of writing by the Sumerians around 6,000 years ago, historians have cataloged over 3700 supernatural beings, of which 2870 can be considered deities.

So next time someone tells me they believe in God, I’ll say “Oh which one? Zeus? Hades? Jupiter? Mars? Odin? Thor? Krishna? Vishnu? Ra?…” If they say “Just God. I only believe in the one God,” I’ll point out that they are nearly as atheistic as me. I don’t believe in 2,870 gods, and they don’t believe in 2,869.

Kudos to you, Mr. Gervais.

Second, and maybe more importantly, is this piece from GQ by Mary Rogan. Brian Burke is a name that any hockey fan knows, one that is synonymous with words like ruthless, and domineering, and notorious bad-ass. When his son Brendan died in a car accident in February of 2010, it was a tragedy. But it was also the start of Brian's new role--as a gay rights advocate.

You see, Brendan was a pioneer--a high-profile name in the sports world, certainly the first in the professional hockey world, who was openly gay. He came out during an ESPN.com interview, after he'd told his family. His older brother Patrick remembers how it happened, right after he'd returned from a road trip to Rhode Island:

"I had a bunch of bags in the car, and I went inside to tell Brendan he had to help get the luggage out. We're walking to the car and he said, 'I have something to tell you: I'm gay.' I said, 'Are you being serious? Are we having this conversation, or are you just joking around?' He said, 'No, I'm serious.' I said, 'Well, that doesn't change anything, and I love you—now grab those bags and let's go inside.' The whole conversation was about thirty seconds long, and when I opened the door I yelled, 'Mom, you owe me twenty bucks—I told you he was gay!'"

I was in tears for most of this piece, and I expect you will be too.

And that's all until 2011.
JS

Try Not To Eat Your Screen

2010-12-17T10:43:00.000-05:00

You don't even want to see what he'll do if you tell him Jesus wasn't born in December.

I wanted to give you all some reading before the crush of the holidays begins to hit. I'm sick, so don't expect much wit.

-This is a piece from Discover that looks at a group of scientists on the verge of uncovering just where scizhophrenia comes from. Their description:

Schizophrenia has long been blamed on bad genes or even bad parents. Wrong, says a growing group of psychiatrists. The real culprit, they claim, is a virus that lives entwined in every person's DNA.

Scary, but interesting, stuff.

-This is a piece from The Washington Post by Kathleen Kennedy Townsend. It is an answer to Sarah Palin's suggestion that religion should actually be a part of government. As long as it's her religion, of course.

-Christopher Hitchens may be dying of cancer, but that isn't stopping him from writing, and boy, does he rip The Tea Party and Glenn Beck a new one here.

-Doughnut Plant is amazing. If you don't like Doughnut Plant, we can't be friends, simple as that. They just posted a new gallery of photos, which you can find here. Be careful not to try and eat your screen.

-As 2010 begins to end, we will surely be inundated with lists proclaiming "The Best _____ of 2010." Here's one worth paying attention to though--Roger Ebert's 10 best movies of '10.

That's all for now, maybe even until the New Year.

Have a happy and a healthy.
JS

Happy Holidays

2010-12-08T13:18:00.006-05:00

Insane Christmas Decorations

In the spirit of the Holiday Season, here are ~~five~~ SIX videos that I can't stop watching:

Blake Griffin's Top 10 Dunks

This was posted on Twitter by--well, I forget. If it was you, sorry. But yeah, it's official, Blake Griffin makes me want to watch basketball. I'm sure he'll get busted for something soon enough, or make some heinous PR move, or give out tainted capons on Christmas Day, but until then, he gets the love.

The Making of the 2011 Chevrolet Volt

This was posted on just about every Tech blog. I don't care though. This is the first new-wave technology car that actually made my eyebrows move. And considering it's a Chevy, well, that's saying something.

Fast Food Sushi by Epic Meal Time

Via @dpante, the Epic Meal Time boys (and girl) have been known to bring the pain. Surely you remember such classics as the Massive Meat Log and the Greasiest Sandwich Ever. Fast Food Sushi continues their reign of terror on our minds and arteries. And I feel really bad saying this, but, um, some of that "sushi" looks really good.

Rudolph (You Don't Have To Put On The Red Light)

Via Devour, this mashup is threatening to become one of my all-time favorite Christmas songs. Pure genius.

North Point's iBand Presents: Christmas Music

This is Devour's latest. I know our collective attention spans are perilously short, but the seven minutes it will take to watch this is so worth it. Just don't tell these guys that iPads are meant to be consumption-only devices. They might not like that.

UPDATED

Fight Club For Senior Citizens

Do I even need to comment on this?

And that's all I've got for now, folks.

Happy Holidays,
JS

Death of a Racehorse

2010-11-23T10:09:00.004-05:00

W.C. Heinz

Every now and again, Deadspin's Tommy Craggs excerpts "a handful of stories — old and new, sports and otherwise, relevant and merely sublime." This is a great thing, for a bunch of reasons, but mostly because sports writing is severely undervalued and can always use a good shot in the arm.

I was recently going through some and found a piece, a real short one, "Death of a Racehorse," by W.C. Heinz, from a 1949 edition of the New York Sun. DOAR is so moving, so well-written, and so powerful that I couldn't not share it.

Again, this is me re-posting the contents of a Deadspin post, which you can find here, which is a re-posting of a W.C. Heinz piece from 1949, which was later anthologized in What A Time It Was. (I just want to be quite clear that I did not write what I'm about to post, nor did I originally think of re-posting it. The Internet can be funny about these things).

All e-galese aside, here it is, "Death of a Racehorse," by W.C. Heinz:

They were going to the post for the sixth race at Jamaica, two year olds, some making their first starts, to go five and a half furlongs for a purse of four thousand dollars. They were moving slowly down the backstretch toward the gate, some of them cantering, others walking, and in the press box they had stopped their working or their kidding to watch, most of them interested in one horse.

"Air Lift," Jim Roach said. "Full brother of Assault."

Assault, who won the triple crown ... making this one too, by Bold Venture, himself a Derby winner, out of Igual, herself by the great Equipoise ... Great names in the breeding line ... and now the little guy making his first start, perhaps the start of another great career.

They were off well, although Air Lift was fifth. They were moving toward the first turn, and now Air Lift was fourth. They were going into the turn, and now Air Lift was starting to go, third perhaps, when suddenly he slowed, a horse stopping, and below in the stands you could hear a sudden cry, as the rest left him, still trying to run but limping, his jockey — Dave Gorman — half falling, half sliding off.

"He broke a leg!" somebody, holding binoculars to his eyes, shouted in the press box. "He broke a leg!"

Down below they were roaring for the rest, coming down the stretch now, but in the infield men were running toward the turn, running toward the colt and the boy standing beside him, alone. There was a station wagon moving around the track toward them, and then, in a moment, the big green van that they call the horse ambulance.

"Gorman was crying like a baby," one of them, coming out of the jockey room, said. "He said he must have stepped in a hole, but you should have seen him crying."

"It's his left front ankle," Dr. J.G. Catlett, the veterinarian, was saying. "It's a compound fracture; and I'm waiting for confirmation from Mr. Hirsch to destroy him."

He was standing outside one of the stables beyond the backstretch, and he had just put in a call to Kentucky where Max Hirsch, the trainer, and Robert Kleber, the owner, are attending the yearling sales.

"When will you do it?" one of them said.

"Right as soon as I can," the doctor said. "As soon as I get confirmation. If it was an ordinary horse I'd done it right there."

He walked across the road and around another barn to where they had the horse. The horse was still in the van, about twenty stable hands in dungarees and sweat-stained shirts, bare-headed or wearing old caps, standing around quietly and watching with Dr. M.A. Gilman, the assistant veterinarian.

"We might as well get him out of the van," Catlett said, "before we give him the novocaine. It'll be a little better out in the air."

The boy in the van with the colt led him out then, the colt limping, tossing his head a little, the blood running down and covering his left foreleg. When they saw him, standing there outside the van now, the boy holding him, they started talking softly.

"Full brother of Assault." ... "It don't make no difference now. He's done." ... "But damn, what a grand little horse." ... "Aint he a horse?"

"It's a funny thing," Catlett said. "All the cripples that go out, they never break a leg. It always happens to a good-legged horse."

A man, gray-haired and rather stout, wearing brown slacks and a blue shirt, walked up.

"Then I better not send for the wagon yet?" the man said.

"No," Catlett said. "Of course, you might just as well. Max Hirsch may say no, but I doubt it."

"I don't know," the man said.

"There'd be time in the morning," Catlett said.

"But in this hot weather—" the man said.

They had sponged off the colt, after they had given him the shot to deaden the pain, and now he stood, feeding quietly from some hay they had placed at his feet. In the distance you could hear the roar of the crowd in the grandstand, but beyond it and above it you could hear thunder and see the occasional flash of lightning.

When Catlett came back the next time he was hurrying, nodding his head and waving his hands. Now the thunder was louder, the flashes of lightning brighter, and now rain was starting to fall.

"All right," he said, shouting to Gilman. "Max Hirsch talked to Mr. Kleberg. We've got the confirmation."

They moved the curious back, the rain falling faster now, and they moved the colt over close to a pile of loose bricks. Gilman had the halter and Catlett had the gun, shaped like a bell with the handle at the top. This bell he placed, the crowd silent, on the colt's forehead, just between the eyes. The colt stood still and then Catlett, with the hammer in his other hand, struck the handle of the bell. There was a short, sharp sound and the colt toppled onto his left side, his eyes staring, his legs straight out, the free legs quivering.

"Aw ——" someone said.

That was all they said. They worked quickly, the two vets removing the broken bones as evidence for the insurance company, the crowd silently watching. Then the heavens opened, the rain pouring down, the lightning flashing, and they rushed for the cover of the stables, leaving alone on his side near the pile of bricks, the rain running off his hide, dead an hour and a quarter after his first start, Air Lift, son of Bold Venture, full brother of Assault.

**

Enjoy Thanksgiving, everyone.
JS

Highly Complimentary

2010-11-18T10:47:00.000-05:00

Surely, at this midway point in November, seasonal affective disorder already beginning to churn, shops filled with cheap Christmas decorations, people angrily dismissing those who say Happy Holidays, the same old tunes coming from the radio, the same holiday arguments beginning to take shape, weekends filled, cheap electronics getting cheaper, surely, you could use some shit to read, right?

-This is the final essay in David Foster Wallace's Consider the Lobster (which for some reason is NOT included in the iBooks version), a stirring piece about John Ziegler, conservative talk radio host, and while it was published in '05, it could not be more applicable at this late date.

-This is an op-ed piece by Warren Buffet, and I think John Gruber's description of it pretty much sums it up:

Warren Buffett, well-known foe of capitalism, thanks the U.S. government for its efforts to prevent an economic collapse two years ago.

-Here is a Safari extension called "Facebook Neue," for all those who agree that Facebook.com is one unwieldy, ugly mutha.

-Yeah, we've all heard about the TSA scanners, and the naked pictures, and the junk groping, but the reality is that these scanners could be dangerous to our health, and haven't been proven to actually make anybody safer. So why are they still being instituted, even fought for? Lobbyists, anyone?

-Alexia Tsotsis writes about something I've been saying for a while now: the phone call is dead.

-This is a gigantic piece from The New Yorker on Nick Denton, the head of Gawker Media. Worth your time if you're at all interested in the future of journalism.

-David Pogue's review of the Samsung Galaxy Tab seems to be the most fair of them all.

-Everyone heard about Caitlin Burke, right? The woman who solved a Wheel of Fortune puzzle with only one letter showing on the board? I, like many (most likely), thought she guessed/got lucky/took a shot in the dark. Turns out that's not the case.

-Do you like true crime stories? Are you somebody (I am) who thinks that most of the chatter about cyber crimes and identity theft is born out out of people not keeping their identities secure? Read this piece. It'll change your mind.

-Mikey "Eyedea" Larsen passed away on 10/16/10. I hadn't been listening to his stuff much recently, but when I was, boy, did it blow me away. I was fortunate enough to see him live once, and his manic energy is something I will never forget. This is a review of the benefit show that took place in his honor.

-Amy Hempel, one of my favorite writers, and probably one of the greatest living American short story writers, did a rare extensive interview with the Paris Review in '03. Here it is.

-For those apt to swoon at the mention of JD Salinger's name, here is the story of one your (our) brethren attempting to track down a copy of the rare short story "A Girl I Knew."

-This is the Rolling Stone review of Kanye West's forthcoming My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. Spoiler: it is highly complimentary. Double spoiler: it makes me giggle.

-When the iPad was first released, it was said that the iPhone was actually born out of the effort to perfect the iPad, which is interesting because one would think it would have been the other way around. Regardless, there is a long history of Apple attempting to bring tablet computing to the mainstream, and this is a really interesting piece that attempts to document that process.

-Bart Scott, a linebacker for the New York Jets, talks a whole bunch of smack every Sunday. But don't let that get in the way of realizing that this is a guy who truly cares about his hometown and the people who live there.

-The iPad gets knocked every so often for being a toy, a superfluous consumption device for those with disposable income. Just don't tell that to the children in this story.

And as always, let's finish with a video:

Roy's Jeans - Video by Self Edge from Self Edge on Vimeo.

More soon,
JS

The "Aims Of Course" Section

2010-10-28T15:32:00.000-04:00

The best lunch you will ever have.

Well, I'm back from my wedding/honeymoon interlude, and your faithful correspondent is happy to report that the married life is, in fact, all it is cracked up to be. The wedding turned out just as we'd hoped (that is to say, amazing), and the fact that nobody wound up in the lake was a terrific bonus. Barcelona was equally wonderful. If changing our names, leaving behind our families (and school loan debt), and never coming back was an option, we'd be learning Catalan and preparing to make the move.

Alas, that's not possible, so instead, here's a bunch of articles, videos, and other assorted detritus that's been keeping my attention the past couple of weeks***.

-While in Barcelona, on 10/10/10, it started surfacing that the Simpson's "couch gag" that night was one for the ages and supposedly story-boarded by legendary social commentator/graffiti artist/public nuisance, Banksy. The video went viral and there was some debate if it had actually even aired on FOX (if you haven't seen it yet, you'll understand why), or if it had just been planted on YouTube and made to look like it had aired (which also added an unintentional layer of commentary regarding the state of television). Turns out it did air, and Banksy was the genius behind it, which only makes it awesome-er. Take the time to watch it, believe me.

-Continuing in our theme of old news, here's the fake/satirical senior thesis PowerPoint presentation a Duke female made about all of the athletes she fornicated with while in school. Again, genius.

-This is a write-up of a study review conducted by scientists at the University of Manchester that suggests that cancer is a man-made disease, caused by environmental factors such as pollution and diet.

-If you're a Mac user, or any computer user, really, you are well-aware of the dangers of distraction. Our computers are loaded with websites, apps, and games that, when combined with the speed of our internet connections and the efficiency of our machines, threaten our ability to get shit done. Gigaom has a list of ways to fight this.

-This piece is from The Huffington Post and presents a fascinating idea--what if the reason Americans are so fat is because we're treating obesity with the same "just say no" approach that was and is so unsuccessful with drug addicts? This is yet another piece really worth your time. You'll be really surprised to see just how close some people's eating habits are to drug habits.

-"Homemade Spacecraft," courtesy of Luke Geissbuhler and Vimeo, is one of the coolest videos you'll watch this week, and probably next too. Pardon me for sounding old, but kids today, man, they don't know how good they have it.

-The Yankees season ended last we--shit, that's all I can bring myself to type about it. During the ALCS, Joe Posnanski, one of our most talented living baseball journalists, re-posted his '03 piece on Tony Pena, current Yankees bench coach and then-manager of the Kansas City Royals. If you don't get misty at points during this, I question the assumed presence of a beating heart in your chest.

-More recently in SI is this piece from Jeff Pearlman on Manhattanville Men's Basketball Coach Pat Scanlon. Very cool stuff.

-Kanye is going in. That's really the only way you can look at it. His G.O.O.D Fridays stuff, his two official singles, "Power" and "Runaway," an upcoming album, and now this, the full-length short film for "Runaway." Even if you don't like Kanye, you should pay attention, because we're currently watching as one man yet again pushes an entire music genre and the associated culture in a new direction.

-The Amateur Gourmet is a great food blog--fun, well-written, and delicious. Adam Roberts is the man behind it and he recently posted his offering to the "It Gets Better" campaign and it's such a fantastic piece of writing. I'm a sucker for family stories and this one nails it. Kudos, Adam.

-Apple (you didn't think I wouldn't include SOMETHING about Apple, right?) recently upgraded their MacBook Air line and as usual, they are sexy as shit. I really, really wish I had a need for a notebook computer, but I don't. Of course, there's been a bunch of debate about where these new products fit into the current technological landscape, especially from a company that recently declared the netbook dead and buried. Well, here's a well thought-out answer.

-Okay, fine--one more Apple-related post. This is from the Bloomberg "Game Changers" series. The Steve Jobs story. Danielle watched this with me and was captivated, so yeah, you definitely don't need to be a nerd to enjoy.

-I'm on a David Foster Wallace kick again, and luckily, in 2010, the internet is awash in his stuff. Here's the syllabus from the English 102 class he taught at Illinois State University. It’s disgusting--the man even wrote the shit out of the "aims of course" section of a syllabus! This is an "unpublished story" of DFW's, posted on the extremely cool blog 454 W 23rd St New York, NY 10011-2157. Now, I did some research and it turns out that this "unpublished story" is two parts from a reading he did on 12/6/00 at the Lannan Foundation, where he called them and another piece he read in the middle, “three fragments from a longer thing.” Here’s the transcript of that event, too. My suggestion? Read both posts—you’ll get a feel for the “unpublished” piece, as well as for what he was going for at the reading. And finally is this piece from the NY Times, about Karen Green, DFW’s widow, an artist in her own right, and how her husband’s death is influencing her work and her life.

-Finally, is this video from Grant Achatz, the chef/wonderchild behind Alinea:

Ever wanted to know how the mind of a genius chef works? This explanation of "flavor bouncing" is a start.

That's all for now, folks. Oh, and if Artificial Night and my Twitter feed wasn't enough for you, I now have a Tumblr, too, so be sure to check out Not Stolen. Permanently Borrowed. There's already some fun shit being posted there, too.

And again, stay tuned for some upcoming food snuff stuff.

Always,
JS

***It should be noted that, theoretically, I've got a bunch of posts coming about our time in Barcelona, especially our meals at ABaC and Comerç, 24, two of the greatest meals of our lives. As I previously remarked via Twitter, I didn't shoot food porn during those meals; I shot a food snuff film. But yeah, again, those posts are coming, I promise.

It's Going To Be Rough Shoving Your Gut Into One

2010-09-24T13:33:00.001-04:00

In all likelihood, this will be my last blog post for a while--possibly until mid-October.

You see, I'm getting married.

Tomorrow marks one week to the day that me and my best friend will agree to drive each other crazy for the rest of our lives.

So between the prep, and the big day, and the honeymoon, yeah, I won't be back for a bit.

--

After the tremendous success of my last post, I decided to go a similar route. And really, what better way to go out then with a bunch of delicious shit to read to tide you over until my triumphant return from Spain, armed with food porn-alicious shots of seafood?

Anyhow:

This is a piece called, "So You Wanna Be a Chef." It's by Anthony Bourdain, taken from his latest offering Medium Raw: A Bloody Valentine to the World of Food and the People Who Cook. It's a fun piece that offers some serious advice to those considering culinary arts school, offered up in the usual Bourdain manner.

Next is a couple of pieces by Austin Seraphin, a blind Apple fan. This is from June, a post about his first week with his new iPhone, and this is from September, a post about his purchase of a new iMac. Both will put Apple products, and technology in general, in a whole new perspective for you. Fascinating reads, seriously.

This is a short, but mind-blowing piece about the REAL rules of Monopoly, or at least, one rule in particular. I am one of the many who hasn't been playing by/with this rule, like, ever, and could see how adapting it would change the game entirely.

I debated including this piece from New York Magazine about Machiavellian pizza-maker Anthony Mangieri for a couple of reasons--first, it's old, from July of '09. But it's such an intense read, I just couldn't resist. Also, after I read it, and went to look up when and where I could get some of his uber-authentic pizza, (CAUTION--DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE UNTIL AFTER YOU'VE READ THE ARTICLE) and saw that he'd followed-through on his threat/promise to close up shop and move to the West Coast, I was heartbroken. I didn't want the same to happen to you. But then I realized it almost makes me appreciate his efforts even more. It's rare that you see people stupidly sticking to their guns, even in the face of a bunch of truth and reality that you should do otherwise. Kudos, Mangieri. Kudos.

Hey, look--a negative review of Jonathan Franzen's "Freedom."

This oral history of the making of Goodfellas from GQ has been making the rounds on the internet for a few days now, but it's so good, I can't afford to not re-post it. God, I love that movie.

This week was Food Week at Gizmodo, which is way better than any of the other themed-weeks, including Shark. This is one of the many awesome pieces they posted, an explanation of how food cooks.

So it came out this week that Joaquin Phoenix's beard/rap career/retirement was all part of an elaborate film project, and I, for one, think it's awesome. I don't care how many people say now that they knew it was fake the whole time--you motherfuckers thought it was real and you know it. And the internet hate of it just goes to show how on-point the idea was in the first place. Anyway, here's Casey Affleck dishing on all the details to Roger Ebert, and here's Joaquin's recent interview with Letterman where he makes amends for the last one.

Using the two words "French" and "Laundry" in succession to any foodie sparks an immediate reaction. Thomas Keller's Yountville, California restaurant isn't just a restaurant--it's a food mecca, the closest thing we have in this country to a landmark culinary destination. Sophie Brickman was granted inside access to write a piece on working there and this is what she produced.

The NBA will be using a new type of jersey this year, made by Adidas, and Paul Lukas, uniform guru, has an inside look. The jerseys are cut slimmer than in the past, which means it's going to be rough shoving your gut into one, although the grounds for a grown man/woman to wear any jersey of any type while not actively engaged in the sport is shaky at best.

In what will probably be a weekly trend, here's another article on why Android's openness is not really that wonderful of a thing.

And here's a video for you--The Get Up Kids performing "I'll Catch You," the song that Danielle and I predicted almost a decade ago would be the first dance at our wedding:

In eights days we get to see our prediction come true.

More soon (ish),
JS

Really Patriotic Fellows

2010-09-16T15:30:00.000-04:00

Don't let the smile fool you. In the words of Danielle, "That's one bad mutha."

I'm a big fan of Instapaper (if you don't know what that is, read here), and I've come to realize that, besides giving me an easy, enjoyable way to read all the shit I come across every day, it's also a good way of collecting blog ideas.

In the course of the last week or so, I've read a bunch of articles (9, actually) that before I was even half-finished with, figured would be great to share with others. Not wanting them to get lost in the rapidly-expanding Twitter timeline, I held on to them, and so without further ado:

-This is a piece on Ray Lucas' life after the NFL. I felt like it was an especially poignant read considering the recent end of Darelle Revis' holdout. I never judge professional athletes for trying to make as much money as possible, especially NFL players. Ray Lucas' story is the reason why.

-This is a huge piece, fittingly enough, from the New York Times Magazine on who else but Rex Ryan. Great read, even for those who find him obnoxious.

-This is from New York Magazine and is a great look at Jon Stewart and how/why The Daily Show is made. I say it all the time--if you're at all interested in politics/culture, and you're not watching The Daily Show on a regular basis, you're doing yourself a disservice.

-This is a fascinating piece from the Times on the people who filmed all of the United States' nuclear and hydrogen bomb tests in the 40's, 50's, and 60's. Just insane stuff. You might need a NYTimes login to read this. It's 2010. It's the NYTimes. Get over it.

-This is a great piece from TechCrunch that, hopefully, puts to bed the myth of Android being an "open" platform, or at the very least, open in a way that benefits you as a consumer.

-Ever heard of the Koch Brothers? Me neither. Read this piece from The New Yorker to find out who they are and how, among other things, they're responsible for much of the Right Wing/Tea Party War against the President. Really patriotic fellows.

-So this is a double--first, the first beta of iOS 4.2 was made available this week, and judging by the internet's response, it looks like the iPad is poised to become an even bigger success, if that's even possible. Here, iLounge gives screenshots of all of the big stuff. Bouncing off of that is this initial review of the first iPhone from John Gruber's Daring Fireball. After reading both of these, it's hard to believe only a little over 3 years separates the two.

-Last is this piece from the Harvard Kennedy School's website on why they teach a course that centers around "The Wire." If you know me at all, you know "The Wire" is my favorite TV show of all time, and I love the idea that Harvard recognizes the cultural and sociological significance of the series.

And then there's the videos. I've been aware of Arcade Fire for a while now, and really dug a couple of their songs, but with the release of "The Suburbs," their most recent offering, I've officially been converted. What a fantastic band. To pay homage to this notion, here's two videos--first, the official video of "Ready To Start," which is the first single from "The Suburbs." Bam:

And to take it back a bit, from the recent YouTube-streamed concert at MSG, a red-soaked rendition of "Power Out/Rebellion." Pow:

That's all for now. Please send me any thoughts/reactions to any of these pieces.

JS

The Burlington Coat Factory Islamic Cultural Center That Contains A Prayer Room

2010-08-25T15:13:00.000-04:00

See? Not nearly as catchy as "The Ground Zero Mosque."

I've got a big post coming (a review of the delightful pie shop "Four & Twenty Blackbirds") but for now, here's a couple of things to check out on your lunch break:

This Op-Ed piece by Frank Rich is all you need to read if you're at all curious/looking for the final word about/regarding the above-mentioned Islamic Cultural Center that is set to be built on the sacred ground that is a former Burlington Coat Factory. I'm a (real) New Yorker, so people from "other places" using 9/11 for their political gain is nothing new to me, but it's particularly odious this time. Rich sets the record straight, I hope, but doubt, for the last time.

And there's this Flickr set by photographer Mike Adams. His subject?

Mike Tyson's abandoned Southington, Ohio mansion. Insanely interesting. Insanely creepy. Totally worth a look.

That's all for now.

JS

The Suburbs

2010-08-18T16:14:00.000-04:00

Blood-Free: Technological Tales of Great Customer Service

2010-08-09T12:06:00.000-04:00

Click all pictures to enlarge

“If it bleeds, it leads.”

This is the official/unofficial mantra of the news that we consume in 2010. Mainstream, pundits, bloggers--they all follow it, sometimes unknowingly.

Positive news doesn’t have the same traction as negative news. I get it. A grizzly murder gets, and holds, our attention quicker and for longer than the goings-on at the local community center.

It’s bad enough that this modern-day yellow journalism has infected our political system. But now, tech news, the one place I’ve been able to go for people reporting happily on the things they love, is being destroyed.

--

We all know the story of how Gizmodo purchased a potentially-stolen iPhone 4 prototype. They took pictures of it, dissected it, posted about it, got a bunch of page views, got some coverage out of it, got a lawsuit out of it, got shunned, and probably will always be shunned, by Apple, and we all cared for like, two days, that is until another radical conservative got caught on the wrong end of a gloryhole, or that cancer-free guy who rides bikes a lot peed out liquid steroids, or something shinier and brighter came along.

In the words of Shawn Carter: on to the next one.

Right?

Wrong.

Instead, something strange happened. Gizmodo, quite the influential tech blog, historically a place deemed a safe haven for Apple fanboys (In some ways, most tech blogs have at least some portion of the Apple fanboy gene), became decidedly--anti-Apple. Naturally, they covered the fact that Apple was preparing to sue the pants off of Gawker media, their parent company, with a fair amount of venom.

But then, the iPhone 4 came out. Like, for real.

And AntennaGate happened. (Sorta)

And Gizmodo decided to hit Apple. Hard.

And they kept going and going--anti-Apple posts every day, or what seemed like every day.

It got so bad that during the AntennaGate press conference, when Steve Jobs revealed that, yes, the iPhone 4 was dropping more calls than the 3GS, Gizmodo tweeted:

Yikes. Data says the iPhone 4 drops more calls than the 3GS.

And that would have been fine, except in the next breath, Jobs pointed out that the “higher” dropped call number was something like 1 in every 100, a microscopic amount. I tweeted in response:

@Gizmodo Probably should have waited to hear that it's less than 1% worse. You guys are a joke. Seriously.

It was clear that Gizmodo, now frothing at the mouth to make Apple look bad (an interesting stance to take, considering they’re the ones who purchased a potentially stolen prototype and displayed it for the world to see, but maybe I’m the crazy one), had given up sticking to that basic journalistic tenet of waiting for the entire story to play out before reporting on it, and even worse, taking a stance on it, putting them in the precarious spot of becoming the Andrew Breitbarts of tech journalism. And it is only recently that they seem to have eased up on the gas a bit.

Anyway, I’ve gone on for too long to make my point. Besides, Gizmodo isn’t the only tech site guilty of this practice, of letting “if it bleeds, it leads” style journalism become the norm.

So what’s an indie blogger to do?

--

I got my iPhone 4 on Wednesday, 7/28. Naturally, after syncing, I tested the death touch and the death grip. Neither really seemed to work, but I have good coverage in my immediate sphere of influence. But on Saturday, 7/31, after having the phone for not even a full three days, right smack in the middle of getting my fiancee to her surprise wedding shower, I realized I was going to have to take my iPhone 4 back to Apple.

The problem wasn’t antenna-related, though.

The phone--it clicked.

Back up--I like my iPhone clean and as smudge-free as possible. I have those black Apple microfiber cloths everywhere--a couple at home, one at work, one in my messenger bag. Sitting on the couch, trying not to be too openly nervous about the impending party, I went to rub the back glass plate of the phone, as beautiful as it is fragile, I suppose. When I pressed down near the micro SIM tray, it felt, and sounded, like the whole thing--clicked. Since the surface is reflective, you couldn’t see the piece actually depress, but you could hear it, plain as day--a click. Like a muted, but sharper, version of the sound you get after pressing the die-encased-in-a-plastic-bubble in that board game Trouble.

Not good.

I did it for Danielle a couple of times, just to make sure I wasn’t going crazy. She heard it.

Not good.

I decided that it was possible that the SIM tray wasn’t slotted in just right. When I tried to pop it out, and couldn’t without having to put a severe amount of force behind the SIM ejector, I realized something was wrong.

A quick search online came back with a couple of hits on the Macrumors forums about people having the same problem. One person said that they’d already brought the phone in to Apple and were given a new one on the spot. Another said they would eventually bring it in, but that the low stock of iPhone 4’s led them to believe that they would be better off waiting.

I, anal technology bitch that I am, knew that I would not be able to live with this clicking phone. I clicked that thing so many times that day--I was clicking it while my wife-to-be opened up the china we’ll someday serve Thanksgiving dinner to our family on.

After a wonderful party, and after unloading a ridiculous amount of gifts, I sat down to make an appointment at the Genius Bar for the next day, Sunday. Danielle saw what I was doing, and, in one of the thousands of instances where she proves just how much she knows me, suggested I make the appointment for that night, if one was available, rather than wait until the next day.

(Understand--we were both exhausted. Dead tired. But she knew I would not be happy about this all night. Hands-off, fellas.)

So I made an appointment for 8pm that night. We went off to the Apple store, got there early (were thanked for this) and within 15 minutes, I was holding a new iPhone 4.

Getting it involved me clicking the back plate twice for the guy who helped me, who after the two clicks said, “Yeah, we’re gonna need to get you a new phone.”

And this is why I am loyal to Apple products.

Because I can take their products directly to them. And if something is genuinely wrong with it, they fix it. And if it’s something that can’t be fixed, they give me a new one.

That’s what I’m paying the premium for.

And it goes without saying that the guy couldn’t have been nicer. We chatted--he told me that he had heard about this issue, but had only seen it himself once before. We joked about AntennaGate. I asked--just to be sure--that my first iPhone 4 would be wiped. He said he would bring it back out and let me wipe it myself, just so I could rest easy that night

(All of this took just enough time for Danielle to try out the Magic Trackpad, give me the thumbs-up, have me try it, love it, and purchase one. Literally. Like, she walked back with it in her hands before I could finish signing the work order forms. Damn you, Jobs!)

Good news--my new iPhone 4 doesn’t click.

--

Not everything Apple makes is perfect. The mixed reception the iPhone 4 “bumper” case has received highlights an area where 3rd party companies are far ahead of Apple--iPhone cases, a lucrative market, I’m sure. I know my household has spent a decent chunk of change on them, not to mention time seeking out the latest and greatest.

Speck is one of those companies--they create great products. I still think their “Candyshell” iPhone case is one of the few out there that adds to the aesthetic of the phone, while adding a minimal amount of bulk, and still remains a snug fit on the phone while not rendering it impossible to get off. I’ve suggested Speck cases to family and friends, and they’ve all reported good things.

So it came as a surprise when both of the Speck “Candyshells” in my house broke:

To be fair, Danielle broke both of them, and she puts pretty heavy wear on her phone. But still, to break in the same exact way, at about the same time, highlights a design/manufacturing flaw.

Danielle, the queen of returning shit, called up Speck and asked if she could get her money back. If we still had the receipts and original packaging, this would have been possible. Seeing as we bought both of these cases about eight or nine months ago, this wasn’t an option. Speck suggested that they send us two new Candyshells, certainly a fair compromise. But then Danielle, (remember, I told you, she can return anything) told them how we already had one iPhone 4 in the house, and would soon be upgrading the other 3GS, and so would it be possible to exchange the broken Candyshells for iPhone 4 cases?

Just to recap--she asked to exchange two broken, used, iPhone 3GS cases, with no receipt or packaging, for two brand new cases, completely different models, during a time when iPhone 4 cases are at a premium (Speck is one of the companies that Apple is using in their free case program).

Naturally, Speck said, “Sure.”

I couldn’t believe it.

They e-mailed her a list to pick from. We picked. The cases came in a week.

The GeoMetric and the Fitted. Still can’t believe it.

Maybe that’s why I took the pictures that I took.

Well, that and I mean, who doesn’t love iPhone porn? Check out the complete gallery here:

Apple & Speck Demonstrate Great Customer Service (8/6/10)

--

At a time when tech news, most news, really, is so negative, so reactionary, I think it’s important to point out that good does exist out there. That customer service, good customer service, can still be found.

It doesn’t mean that companies can ship faulty products, although I don’t see Speck’s cases or the iPhone 4 as faulty, but it is reassuring to know that I’m spending money not just on a piece of plastic or glass or aluminum, but on the unwavering guarantee behind it.

And I hope Gizmodo eventually finds its way back to where it once was, because they’re too good otherwise to ignore.

As for Artificial Night, well, we're nothing but a mere grain of sand in the desert of blogs, but for today, at least for one day, there’s no blood on my hands, or on your screens.

More soon,
JS

The Health Inspector of our Buffet

2010-07-26T11:23:00.000-04:00

Having known what I was going to post this morning since Friday, it was fitting that yesterday, WikiLeaks.org, an online whistle-blower site, posted thousands of classified military field reports about the war in Afghanistan.

We're at a point in history where, news-wise, we are no longer bound by time, channel, source, or slant. Those who flock to the extreme ends of either side of any debate believe they are the only ones in full-possession of "the truth," while the fact is that they are the most sheltered from reality.

What is true is that mainstream news sources are dying. They are too loyal to outdated models, too slow to change, too in-debt to networks and corporations.

The pundits can't be trusted as a source of news either--they're a source of opinion on the news, also tasked with turning a profit, selling ad time, and staying relevant, all eventually turning to Lady Gaga-esque techniques that sell the spectacle and not the substance.

The bloggers, the Wild Wild Internet, can't be trusted either. The same rules of fact and source aren't in place, and much like the pundits, the Internet offers us all the ability to run and hide behind whatever we'd like to believe, rather than what we're being forced to see.

So what's left?

The buffet line--the process of choosing a little news from here, a little news from there. There is no one fountain of news that we can go to and expect to receive the full picture, but by piecing together items from various sources, we can consider ourselves as up-to-speed as possible.

But we need to be responsible eaters. No one will force us to take a balanced meal. If we'd like, we can take only dessert, or only shrimp cocktail, or a disgusting mix of both, which for the most part, is what we're doing, and then blaming the power's that be when we develop diabetes and gout.

I recognize that I can't convince everyone to be responsible. What I'm more concerned with is that there is someone out there not focusing on reviving the old model, or selling their opinion, or occupying a niche. The health inspector of our buffet, if you will.

On Friday, ESPN's Bill Simmons posted a new column, a two-part mailbag. In the second part, someone asked:

Who is the funniest man alive right now? Personally I like Zach Galifianiakis -- he's the Kevin Durant of this category. We know he will be great, but he isn't quite there yet.

This led Bill to come up with an "MVP of Comedy" from 1975 and on. For 2004, he wrote:

2004: Dave Chappelle, Jon Stewart (tie)
Season 2 for Chappelle and a breakout year for Stewart (the 2004 election, his "Crossfire" appearance, the release of his book and his Peabody Award).

I'm only a recent Jon Stewart convert. During the period Simmons is referring to, I took politics too seriously to give someone like Stewart credit, never appreciating the fact that he insisted on pointing out the he shouldn't be taken seriously. I was happy to oblige.

Now that I've learned to temper my fiery political rage, I have a deep respect for Stewart, and not just his show. His leanings aside, he is fair, even-toned, intelligent, and the fact that this needs to be pointed out highlights where we are at the moment, news-wise.

So I clicked on the Simmons link and proceeded to sit and watch, amazed, as Jon Stewart, the health inspector of our buffet, spent 14 minutes eviscerating Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson:

The amount of quotable lines in there is mind-blowing. An amazing performance. An MVP performance, if you will. The Wikipedia page for Crossfire even links to a quote from CNN CEO Jonathan Klein saying that part of the reason Crossfire was canceled in 2005 was because of the Stewart appearance.

Jon Stewart may say that The Daily Show is a comedy show, on Comedy Central, and it is, but this isn't totally true. What The Daily Show does is point out the hypocrisy, and the ridiculousness, and sometimes, the flat-out lies told by the people delivering and/or covering the news, and the mostly unintentionally hilarious way that they tend to do it.

Which makes the choice of using comedy as the vehicle to point out these issues quite fitting, when you think about it.

So check out that video, and maybe even check out The Daily Show if you don't already. You'll laugh at the humor, and because of the truth, and maybe learn a few things in the process.

Most importantly, keep yourself in check while at the buffet.

Nobody's going to do it for you.

More soon,
JS

The iPad Unboxing

2010-07-22T16:14:00.000-04:00

Danielle lent a hand, or two, as usual.

On Saturday, April 3rd, 2010, Apple released the iPad. What's transpired since has been covered far and wide, including here at Artificial Night, so I won't spend too much time talking about the runaway success of the product.

(Even though it was supposed to fail. You know, because--pad. Periods. Women. Yeah.)

Readers of this space know that I fancy myself an amateur photographer. I wind up taking a lot of pictures of technology and food, usually at inopportune times, and my personal iPad unboxing was similarly documented.

Except somehow, I wound up totally forgetting I took the pictures.

But I rediscovered them the other day, and just couldn't resist sharing, so--here they are:

The iPad Unboxing

Check 'em out, give me your feedback, drool if you don't own an iPad yet--whatever makes you happy.

More soon,
JS

The New Town Square: A Place for us Digital Citizens

2010-07-12T09:33:00.000-04:00

image via Google Image

Let's get this out of the way--I wrote this using my iPad.

Much like my Apple-centric mobile email signatures, (Sent from my iPhone, Sent from my iPad), my life is being tagged on a regular basis. I can send tweets from Twitter's official iPhone app, from Twitterific or HelTweetica on my iPad, from Echofon on my Mac, and from the increasingly mundane Twitter website while at work, as I die a slow death on the Dell they force on me. And you'll know where I sent them from (via Twitter for iPhone, via Twitterific, via Echofon, etc.) Also embedded in those tweets are my GPS coordinates, a feature that I've enabled twice and disabled once, and am leaning towards disabling again.

I am a Foursquare user. I check-in, or attempt to check-in, everywhere I go. I'm the "mayor" of three different locations and I've got a bunch of badges.

I tag myself, and others, in pictures--on Facebook, on Flickr, and on my MobileMe galleries.

So it actually makes sense that I'm tagging this post, too. It's the latest in literal, and figurative, technological tags. 21st century designer labels, if you will.

--

Robert Putnam is a political scientist who did a study in Italy of the connection between strong civic traditions and community networks and the ability for the local government to function efficiently. The study was so successful that he decided to try something similar in the United States, to see if "the civic traditions and local social and political networks were growing weaker and if the social structure in the United States was consequently becoming more like the ineffective local government in Italy (87)."

Regarding Putnam's book, "Bowling Alone," is the following from "Sociology For A New Century":

Putnam has tried to measure the decline of interaction in the United States, explore its implications, and trace its causes. He has presented an impressive collection of evidence demonstrating that, since the 1960's, there have been dramatic declines in the membership of groups of all kinds (PTA, the Girl Scouts, labor unions, the Red Cross, the Lions Club, even bowling leagues) and in many forms of civic engagement (voting, attending political rallies, volunteering for community groups). He believes that the decline in civic involvement has had negative consequences for American culture, attitudes, and behavior patterns. As people in the United States have become more isolated and socially disconnected, they have become less trusting and more suspicious and cynical. As participation in civic and group life declines, society is losing its ability to solve problems, meet common needs, and deal effectively with crises.

Putnam's study uncovered some of the following evidence:

• Membership rosters in organizations as diverse as the Elks, the PTA, and the Red Cross show declines of 25% to 50% since the 1960s.
• Time budgets, in which all activities over a single day were recorded by ordinary Americans in 1965, 1975, and 1985, indicate that the time spent on informal socializing and visiting is down by as much as 25%. Furthermore, time devoted to clubs and organizations has declined by as much as 50% over the period.
• Participation in collective political events (attending a rally or a speech or working for a political party) is off between 33% to 56% since the 1960's.
• National public opinion surveys show a drop of about 25% in membership in all sorts of groups, ranging from sports clubs to labor unions, since 1974. Church attendance is also down, perhaps by as much as 30%, since the 1960s.
• National surveys also show that the extent to which people say that other people can be trusted has dropped by roughly 33% since 1972 (93).

Basically, America is becoming isolated, withdrawn, and paranoid, at least that's what the data (admittedly now almost 20-year-old data) seems to indicate.

So how does this relate to the notion of "Sent from my iPad?"

--

I was having a conversation recently with a friend (the "how" will come into play later) about the iPad. When asked how I liked it so far, I gave my standard initial reply--that it's an amazing first step towards being the game changer that I think it will eventually be, but certainly not perfect. The friend, L, a female, said that she had recently been debating the iPad with someone. The crux of her argument was that multi-tasking (in the sense of having a device that puts everything in front of you, makes everything so accessible) is destroying society.

It's funny--for a generation raised on/with technology, we've got a surprising number of Luddites in the bunch--people who don't see the appeal or benefit of apps, people who don't know how to sort data on an Excel spreadsheet, people who don't know the difference between POP e-mail and IMAP. For me, we've reached a point where that type of knowledge isn't indicative of technological geekiness; it's part of a skill set required to stand out in the job market.

L went on to ask, "As a writer and a lover of books and the written word, how do you feel about the electronic medium for reading books?" I told her that I was hopeful, but hesitant and that I enjoyed my initial iBooks experience, even more than I had when using a Kindle or a Nook. And that technologically speaking, the iPad fulfilled my request that it improve the previous method, since I could now read in the dark, something the Kindle or Nook can't achieve. More specifically, I said, "I can't read a "real" book in the dark."

L replied, "Pretty soon the word book will have quotations around it," and this is where I have to divulge that we were having this conversation via Gchat, Gmail's built-in chat client. So really, L's response looked like this:

L: omg...pretty soon the word book will have "" around it.. :(

And that's where I began to develop what would become the foundation of this piece.

--

me: well, no i mean, that's my point--what makes something "real"

When I sent this to L, what I was getting at is: how do we define what makes a book, a book. Is it the pages and the ink and the binding? Or is it the content, the author, the way a tangible grouping of words has the ability to transport and teach? Perspective also dominates the viewpoint. Those who support a woman's right to choose an abortion call themselves Pro-Choice and those who oppose them Anti-Choice. Those who support banning abortion, or at the very least, making it a difficult option to choose, refer to themselves as Pro-Life and those who oppose them Anti-Life. The politics, in this instance, don't really matter. It's the semantics I'm interested in, the fight to understand adaptation. Is it the practice that changes, or just the definition? This would also become a question posed to Robert Putnam.

--

While his study seemed to show some alarming trends, some wondered if Putnam's data really backed-up his claims:

• Some criticized how Putnam defined community groups. The YMCA was considered a community group, but private, for-profit gyms were not.
• Some have pointed out that his measurement of civic engagement was limited to only well-established, traditional groups like the PTA or the Lions Club (case-in-point: I’m twenty-five and have no clue what the Lions Club is). Newer groups like neighborhood crime watch programs or Habitat For Humanity and temporary grassroots programs were not considered.
• Another research effort by Robert Wuthnow in 1994 showed that people are still joining groups, but they tend to be small and informal, making them hard to track. He found that about 40% of people belong to some type of support group, most being religion-themed (Bible study) but a large number are self-help groups that deal with addiction and special interest groups like book and music clubs.
• Everett Ladd argues that while the PTA has seen a drop in involvement, it can be accounted for by the development of new groups with similar goals, like Parent Activity Clubs and Parent Councils.

Then there was a survey done by Witte and Howard in 1999, which looked at the rise of groups in cyberspace. The terminology used indicates just how dated this information is (this is before Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Foursquare, Yelp, Gowalla, etc.), but what is important is this:

(The) findings suggest that cyberspace is not populated by asocial, alienated isolates but rather by "digital citizens" who are finding new ways of forging community and connecting with others.

11 years later, and I think it might be time to revisit this notion.

--

me: that's the other thing too, and i feel like you can appreciate this train of thought--

i love the debate that the iPad has set off

i can't remember the last time technology garnered such public-wide debate

maybe when the prius was initally introduced

L: i LOVE IT!!! haha... i love a spirited debate with two strong sides.

yeah.

the alternative fuel cars was a big debate for a while.

me: and that's what's ironic to me--some people becry technology for eliminating the "town square" aspect of society

but I think it's quite the opposite

L: please elaborate

because im on that side of the fence

me: the townsquare is very much alive--it's just adapted

L did not receive your chat.

L: sorry i got kicked off

me: s'ok--yeah, to me the townsquare is very much alive--it's just adapted to the 21st century

it goes back to the "real" argument--the townsquare is only evaporating if you refuse to update the definition of the townsqaure

it used to be when you talked to someone on AOL, you said you im'ed them

and then the AIM program became more popular and you said you talked to them on aim, and at the same type, skype started to show up

and all of these different online messaging programs

jabber, msn, chat rooms

now twitter and facebook chat and gchat

and you already start to see, i'm one of the converts--i just call it talking now

because this is how I talk to people--and frankly, it allows me to talk to more people more frequently, people who don't live near me or in the same time zone

L: excellent point

me: my townsquare exists over thousands of miles at any time of the day--with both friends and strangers

(this is turning into a blog post--thanks, L!)

I was going to sum this exchange up, edit it a bit, present it in a more "literate" form, but as this piece progressed, it become clear that I needed to include the source material, warts and all, because integration and acceptance is the key to what I'm describing above.

They naysayers may point out the grammatical mistakes, the misspellings, and the Internet lingo. But I would point out that in many ways, "e-talking" has taken many strides towards forming not only a vernacular, but a set of manners and customs:

• I use "--" and L uses "..." to indicate a dramatic pause, or that more is coming, understanding that what we've just sent might need a second to process.
• When I get the message that L did not receive my chat, she comes back a minute later and apologizes for it. She understands that I've got no way of knowing why she left abruptly, and follows standard "e-mores" to insure that I'm not offended.
• My response to her apology? "S'ok." Not only do I acknowledge her apology in a normal, understated way (God bless you/Thank you), I also do it in specific shorthand to make it sound more personable and--real.

That word again. We are obsessed with the notion of origin: real, organic, American-made. But what if the only thing that's real is change? What if, in our constant attempts to control the present, we only serve to lose sight of the effect we can have on the future? Rather than bemoan the passing of the written letter, or the telegraph, or the wired landline telephone, or the cordless landline phone, or the cellular phone, or email, or text messages, or Facebook messages, or tweets, why not plant yourself firmly in the now, and embrace the advancements that have given us a variety of ways to communicate with one another, and by doing so, help to become part of whatever comes next?

--

If you see Robert Putnam, tell him that we only communicate less if we refuse to update how we define communicate.

Tell him that our town square is shrinking only if we refuse to acknowledge how much its grown.

Our email addresses, our Twitter names, our Facebook profiles, our Playstation Network avatars, they're all just parts of our persona as digital citizens. No one part is greater than the sum. They are all pieces that fit together to form who we are, singularly and as a society, same as it's ever been. And if we're healthy, then they are changing and evolving on a daily basis.

Robert Putnam may have come to the conclusion that our group memberships and our our civic engagement was declining as our reliance on technology strengthened, but I'm not sure I agree with that. Just as I don't believe that ebooks will ever fully replace printed paper books, I don't think that Wii Bowling on the same Wi-Fi network will ever completely replace going to your local lane.

As digital citizens, we have the option.

And sometimes we'll choose one, and sometimes we'll choose the other--precisely the type of freedom technology is supposed to provide us with.

--

I wrote this on my iPad (typed it, actually, but, oh, shit--you get my point). Used Apple's Pages app, fanboy that I am.

But by the time I was done, I realized that I needed to edit the way I always edit--by printing the damn thing out and marking it up with a pen, picture-in-picture style evidence of what I set out to prove.

:)

More soon.

JS

It Was A Fine Day

2010-05-19T10:11:00.000-04:00

As a big fan of John Cheever, I was delighted to take Jon Gruber's recent suggestion:

Read this while watching this.

Do it a couple of times, actually.

More soon.

(I promise.)

JS

There Will Be Bun (Or Not, Actually)

2010-04-13T10:11:00.003-04:00

It's like a zen koan:

If a sandwich has no bun, is is still a sandwich?

There are few times in life when you find yourself in the position to experience something like KFC's Double Down. So when opportunity knocks, you best let the bitch in.

--

I first heard about the Double Down almost a year ago, through a blog any real foodie is familiar with: This Is Why You're Fat. That led me to Food Geekery's review of the sandwich, which led to me calling KFC to see if they still offered it. They didn't.

Fast-forward to April Fool's Day of this year. All of a sudden, it seemed as if KFC would be bringing the Double Down back. I didn't believe--couldn't believe it, at first--but it soon looked to be true.

April 12th.

So Danielle and I got in the car, along with three of our friends, and made the trip to our nearest hormonally-plump chicken outlet to experience life bun-free.

Your first clue that the Double Down isn't just some value-meal snacker-style "sandwich" is that it comes in a box. Or a coffin, depending on how you look at it.

Me, Joe, Kerry, from left-to-right. That's a lot of meat. And no sight of a bun for miles.

(Actually, I'm sure there were buns behind the counter, but--ride with me, okay?)

The sandwich. Our group wound up ordering 5 DD's. The first two were made with chicken that had already been cooked, which explains why the cheese isn't melted. The other three were made with chicken they cooked when we ordered. Honestly, I almost wish I'd gotten the "older" chicken, because mine was too hot to hold.

That's a fresh one. The Double Down is a big sandwich. The value meal, which came with a soda and potato wedges, is definitely a meal. I mean, I say that having ordered a biscuit too, but you get the picture.

I had to pull out a bit just so you could get an understanding of just how large this sandwich is. And for all of you shaking your heads, remember something--it's got less calories and fat than a Big Mac.

Danielle had to rip-and-gnaw into hers because it was so hot. That's still a sexy cross-section.

Danielle is sort-of cradling it there, but this is another great example of the size.

I don't normally post blurry shots, but this was too good to pass up, from a marketing standpoint. If KFC had any balls, they'd caption this picture:

LOOK AT THOSE BREASTS!

Kerry and his grease-stained napkin. With no bun, grease is inevitable, I suppose.

You'll hopefully see this on This Is Why You're Fat soon. It's the "Double Down Dirty," which is a Double Down, except with a biscuit in the middle, and dipped in KFC gravy. The biscuit was Danielle's idea, the gravy, Joe's. Joe was adamant that the Double Down would be much-improved by ditching the "Colonel's Sauce" and adding gravy.

--

So how was the Double Down? It was delicious--in that KFC-you-know-this-is-terrible-for-you-but-shit-it-tastes-good way.

Is it a sandwich? I'd have to say probably not--the bacon, cheese, and sauce don't hold up between two big chicken breasts--especially on the thick end.

Will I make a habit out of eating three a week? Probably not. But I like what KFC is doing here--attacking the chicken sandwich on a meta level.

KFC--reinterpreting the sandwich status quo since 1952.

UPDATE

Reading this review of the Double Down by Slashfood reminded me--the Double Down is VERY salty. This most likely comes from the fact that you're essentially eating two chicken breasts at once, but still 1,380 mgs of sodium will surely have you guzzling water for the rest of the evening.

If you'd like better quality versions of the above images, check out the gallery:

The KFC Double Down

More soon.

JS

Chocolate, Burnt Sugar, and Ground Chuck

2010-03-29T09:36:00.004-04:00

Danielle said it best:

"On a foodie adventure!"

That was her Facebook status update at 10:42am this Saturday. And we needed a foodie adventure. Needed to release those pent-up urges for salty, sweet, and fat. Urges left untamed after yet another week of eating right, working out, and slimming down.

And for some time, we'd had a couple of destinations in mind. Granted, these weren't places that employed fussy plating techniques, or ingredients more suited for laboratory work. We wanted to see the modern masters of the ordinary at work. People who spend their days doing the simplest of things--doughnuts and hamburgers--at the very highest of levels.

So we got in the car--me, Danielle, and my brother, Mike--and we went to Doughnut Plant and Shake Shack.*

(As always, click the photos for higher-resolution goodness)

--

If you blink, you'll miss it.

And that's funny, considering this is a doughnut shop that has been written about in Saveur, Vogue, and Bon Appetit, and has their product sold in Bloomingdales, Dean & Deluca, and Balducci's.

Mark Isreal's Doughnut Plant is located at 379 Grand Street between Essex and Norfolk. His creations fall into two categories: yeast doughnuts, which are lighter and bigger, and cake doughnuts, which are smaller, but denser. The flavors/glazes/fillings change seasonally.

They. Are all. Amazing.

For our visit, the following were available:

We decided to sample both the yeast and caked varieties.

Which turned into *cough* five of the eight options, actually.

The Blackout doughnut. Chocolate cake, chocolate filling, and chocolate crumbs on top. I'm not even a chocolate-lover, and I thought the Blackout was terrific. I was amazed to find that this was a filled doughnut,** a sentiment that, as you will see, will repeat itself over and over.

It shouldn't come as a surprise that I took--11--pictures of the Creme Brulee doughnut. This was both Danielle and Mike's favorite. Danielle called it, "One of the best things I've ever put in my mouth." It's such a ridiculously smart idea, too. A crunchy burnt sugar layer on the outside, sweet, light yeast cake, which gives way to a cream interior that is, obviously, very reminiscent of a creme brulee. Doughnut Plant's Creme Brulee doughnuts are small, and pricey, and worth every penny. There's nowhere else on the planet where you could get something like this.

The Tres Leches doughnut was my favorite. One of the denser cake doughnuts, it was covered in a milk glaze and the interior was a perfect interpretation of, yup, you guessed it--traditional Tres Leches cake. Again, a filled doughnut. With a hole in the middle. Don't ask me how it happens. Just be glad that it does.

We had to try the "traditional" yeast-leavened, glazed doughnut, which is far from traditional at Doughnut Plant. It's got much more of a vanilla presence, and the glaze is drippingly fresh. Once it's in your mouth, it seems to be a closer relative to cotton candy. A corporate glazed doughnut will never be good enough again.

The Peanut Butter Glaze/Blackberry Jelly doughnut is a fun play on the classic PB&J. And by "fun play," I mean, "You don't know if you should eat it or shove it down your pants." The square doughnut is yet another of Doughnut Plant's gang signs and I hope that I see it everywhere soon. And if my mind wasn't blown already, yes, this too was filled all the way through.

--

Simply put, Doughnut Plant is where you should go if you want to eat the best doughnuts you've ever tasted. And the fact that their offerings vary based on the season means that I will always have an excuse.

Make sure to check out the full gallery of everything I shot while visiting Doughnut Plant:

Doughnut Plant (3/27/10)

--

Since we had such a light breakfast, we figured we should procure something more substantial for lunch.

Now, I'd heard of Shake Shack many times before. And frankly, I was never too interested. I've had some good burgers. To be totally honest, I'd rather make my own. But once I read this recent post by the NYC Food Guy, and saw the Shack Stack for the first time, I knew I had to have it.

For those who don't know, Shake Shack has been around since 2004. There are currently two locations in Manhattan (Madison Square Park and Columbus Ave & 77th St.), although two more are coming, and there's a Shake Shack concession at Citi Field. The line is long, the line is long, and did I mention that the line is long? But the wait is worth it.

Don't believe me?

*Cue up the burger porn music*

At least if you're waiting on such a long line, you're in a nice park, right?***

I kind of ignored the menu. We knew what we came to get. I debated getting a "Shack-cago Dog" as well, but I didn't feel like splitting my pants on the ride home. It was unseasonably cool on Saturday too, so for most of the wait on the line, getting any of their frozen custard seemed unlikely. Emphasis on "most."

The order. Taking this photo prompted this classic exchange:

Mike: You're taking a picture of the receipt?
Me: Yeah (while trying to shoot and hold the receipt just right).
Mike: Uh, why?
Me: It's all part of the experience, man.
Mike: *shuffles over a couple of steps, hoping people won't realize we're related.*

The food. We had to eat in the car because our meter ran out by the time we got the bags. Yes, we waited on line for an hour for hamburgers. Yes, I'm okay with that. You looked at the picture, right?

I almost didn't get fries, but I'm glad I did. There was something--how do I put this--really fucking good about them. Crispy and fresh, obviously, but they were seasoned with something beyond salt, I swear.

Mike got a single cheeseburger with lettuce and tomato. What I like so much about it is that it just looks the way a cheeseburger is supposed to look. There's something to be said about food that just looks--right.

What we came all this way for--the Shack Stack. A cheeseburger with a 'shroom burger on top, which is a "crisp-fried portobello filled with melted muenster and cheddar cheese." Yes, it was delicious. Cream-your-jeans delicious. Perfectly cooked burger, good fresh toppings, and a supportive, slightly toasted, but not overbearing, bun. Let's get one more look at it:

And finally--dessert? Why not?

It probably seems pretty funny that we went to Shake Shack and didn't get a shake. Like I said, it was freezing. Like, 40's-when-you're-expecting-55-or-60 freezing. But something funny happened when we got to the front of the line. We caught sight--more like I caught sight--of the March "Custard Calendar." And that's when I saw that Saturday's cutard was "Chocolate Peanut Butter Pretzel." And that's when I decided to get a cup.

Because, you know, it's not like we'd eaten most of the menu at Doughnut Plant three hours beforehand.

To be fair, the custard was good, but not great.

I mean, we licked the cup clean.

But on a day when we had truly great food, the custard took a back seat.

--

Let's review:

Is Shake Shack as good as the hype? Yes.

Is it worth the wait in line? Yes.

Should every burger sold in the United States come with a cheese-stuffed deep-fried mushroom on top? Without a motherfucking doubt.

Be sure to check out the full gallery of all of my Shake Shack shots:

Shake Shack (3/27/10)

--

When you're a foodie,**** it's easy to get caught up in the high-end, the delicate, the expensive. But there's something great about simple foods executed at the highest level.

It is my contention that basic flavors like chocolate, burnt sugar, and ground chuck deserve to be celebrated.

And Doughnut Plant and Shake Shack are two examples of establishments that agree.

So go out and have some foodie adventures of your own. Keep an eye out for what you might ordinarily look past.

Do yourself a favor, though.

Save room for a Tres Leches doughnut from Doughtnut Plant.

More soon.

JS

--
Footnotes
*I just want to make one thing clear. In no way am I presenting this review/post/pictorial as evidence that I "discovered" Doughnut Plant or Shake Shack. I am well aware that hordes of people have been flocking to both establishments long before I planted my ass down, ate some food, and snapped some pictures. Okay, now I feel better.
**I looked into this online and I found nothing, except one article that said the doughnuts are "injected," which means nothing to me. I just don't get how you fill a doughnut that has a hole in the middle. This will keep me up tonight, I promise.
***If that doesn't do it for you, the air is thick with the scent of charred ground chuck, which coincidentally, is in Yankee Candle's new summer scent line of candles.
****To be honest, I don't consider myself a foodie. Just a guy who gets off on good food. And takes high-resolution pictures of his food. In public.

It All Comes At Once

2010-03-25T10:06:00.004-04:00

Recently, I've made no attempt to hide the fact that Vampire Weekend is my new favorite band.

My constant playing of their eponymous first release, as well as their latest, Contra, is driving my fiancee up a wall, but I just can't help myself. I've heard a lot of different ways to describe their sound, but it all seems so music critc-y, so I'll just roll with what I usually tell people, semi-jokingly:

Imagine Paul Simon--solo-era Paul Simon--and now imagine that he was born in 1984, rather than 1941. And he's a psuedo-hipster. From the Upper West Side. That's Vampire Weekend.

After reading that, you're definitely shaking your head, although it may be horizontally, it may be vertically (don't laugh too hard though--Simon & Garfunkel are the godfather's of emo/hipsterism. I have my books and my poetry to protect me? Hello? Need more proof?

Exactly.

Regardless, I insist you give Vampire Weekend a shot.

Also, what's fun about discovering new music in 2010 is the easily-accessible vault of b-sides, new interpretations, and videos that can be found on the WWW. Vampire Weekend are everywhere right now, which means plenty of YouTube uploads. Below is what I consider to be a classic version of "Horchata," the first track off of Contra.

While I'd prefer you stayed on Artificial Night, watch the video in YouTube's browser, just so you can get it in all it's pristine HD-glory.

Enough talk. The song begins around the 2:00 mark:

More soon.

JS

That Frankenstein-Like Creation Glorified In Print

2010-03-04T10:08:00.001-05:00

Above is the cover of the Spring/Summer 2010 issue of Alaska Quarterly Review.

It is Volume 27, No. 1 & 2.

It has a special feature, guest-edited by Amy Hempel, entitled:

Innovative Fiction: 21 Writers

The best part?

I'm featured as one of the 21 writers.

This is something that's been in the works for quite some time, so long, in fact, that I had almost given up hope that it would ever become a reality. But to be involved in it, and to see it finally happening, after everything that's gone on these past couple of weeks--it couldn't be more uplifting.

Here's everyone that will be included:

Introduction by Amy Hempel
No One Will Ever Marry You, You Know by Patricia Lear
My Music by Lily Tuck
Fire in the Taxidermy Shop by Mi Ditmar
Girl by Peter Markus
The Woman with High Heels by Paola Peroni
El Paso by Daryl Scroggins
How the Past Retruns by Daryl Scroggins
For the Record by Daryl Scroggins
The Ride Home from Church by Daryl Scroggins
Influences by Daryl Scroggins
What Remains by Daryl Scroggins
Footnote by Daryl Scroggins
Compost Conversion by Daryl Scroggins
Quarter by John Rybicki
Sell It Back to Me by Katie Arnold-Ratliff
Bricks by Robert Lopez
Hell on Church Street Blues by Robert Lopez
Chop Suey by Robert Lopez
The Turn Worming by Robert Lopez
Flesh by Michael Ahn
Up 58 South by Jamie Quatro
The End of Something by Nick Falgout
The Social Life of Mice by Megan Mayhew-Bergman
I Had It Out by Anna DeForest
The Last Day of Summer by James Donovan
Did You See Me See You? by Patricia Volk
An Unexpected Pleasure by Christopher Kennedy
And the Harps Play Us Off Excerpts from Hall of Mirrors by Timothy Liu

Mirrors by Joe Stracci
The Day Before Christmas Eve by Joe Stracci

Success Story by Julia Slavin
We Are Not Shelter Men by Julia Slavin
Famous Last Words by Bernard Cooper

NONFICTION

How to Write a Good Sentence: A Manual for Writers Who Know How to Write Correct Sentences by Arnold G. Nelson

POETRY

The Love Hotel by Heather Kirn
The Peace Dome by Heather Kirn
Water Notes by Carolyn Stoloff
Dream of Early Life Beneath the Waves by Dan Stryk
The Rowboat by Michael Hettich
Old Sayings Apply in Here by Rob Talbert
Jumper by Rob Talbert
School Yard by Doug Ramspeck
The Fat Man Sings of Despair by George Looney
This Poem by Dan O'Brien
My Mother, at Six, Speaks to Me by Jeanne Emmons
Cutting Apples by Michael Salcman
Rubia Writes a Poem about Light for a Contest by Amy Groshek
The Sky I Die by Will be Grey by Todd Boss
The Death of a Scholar by Andrew Merton
Your Date with Death by Andrew Merton
The Mortician's Fiance by Sara McKinnon
Mass Grave at Shiloh by James Doyle
The May of Winter by Elizabeth Swados
Fight or Flight by Christine Butterworth-McDermott
Ultrasound Aubade by Amber Flora Thomas
Cavity in the Rubenesque Facade by Amber Flora Thomas
Meditation of Four West by Amber Flora Thomas

The mix of names here, some major ones and some people I'm happy to say I'm friends with, leaves me dizzy with excitement.

There's some information here on how to get a copy and hopefully I'll have more in the future. And here is the "official" table of contents.

As a writer, the reward comes on the page. When you read something you wrote and you're proud of it and after skinning it alive and dolling it up and putting it back together again, you put it aside and call it complete.

To see that Frankenstein-like creation glorified in print--brought to life for the consumption and hopeful enjoyment of others--it's an honor, something I could definitely get used to.

More soon.

JS

Pancakes & MacBook Pros, or, How To Really Enjoy Valentine's Day

2010-02-15T23:01:00.000-05:00

For Valentine's Day this year, Danielle and I decided to take a trip to the Brownstone Diner & Pancake Factory, a spot we'd wanted to visit ever since we saw Guy Fieri doing his best "Guy Fieri" impersonation there on his soon-to-be cult classic television program, "Diners, Drive-In's, and Dives."

And while we didn't go in full-on foodie mode, I took a bunch of pictures that are too good to not share with you all. As always, be sure to click each picture to see a higher-resolution version.

--

When you first walk in to the Brownstone, you're greeted with their slogan:

A pancake for every palate!

Actually, I made that up. Their slogan is "need pancakes!" which is awful and for some reason, not capitalized properly. But ignoring that, along with their horrific font choice--

--you get to choose from over 30 different types of pancakes. The reality is that there's a gigantic menu at your disposal, full of delicious-sounding items, but honestly, it's all pretty much your typical Jersey Diner fodder.

And let's be honest--you don't go to an establishment that calls itself the "Pancake Factory" and order the Oriental Chicken Salad.

--

Danielle and I decided to stick a fork in at least three different items.

To uh, make the drive worth it.

She ordered the Chocolate Peanut Butter Pancakes. The only way I can describe them is thus:

Sexual deviancy in pancake form.

They didn't need syrup or whipped cream or butter or powdered sugar. Frankly, I shouldn't even have photographed them, because something this good should only be witnessed in person. But after this meal, I'm going to hell anyway, so it was an easy choice.

To share, we asked for an order of the German-Style Pancakes. They came stuffed with apple compote and, at least according to the menu, were "thin buttermilks." Now, I've eaten many pancakes in my day. And with all due respect to the fine people running the Pancake Factory, there's no way I would ever classify the Brownstone's German-Style Pancakes as "thin." Regardless, it was a great choice. The compote was delicious, the pancakes were--lighter, maybe--but still flavorful.

I ordered the Country Breakfast Wrap. Full disclosure--I walked into the Brownstone knowing I would order it. It's the menu item that Mr. Fieri got my attention with so many months ago.

See, it's a breakfast wrap, right? It's got your eggs, your cheese, your potato, your sausage. But instead of using a tortilla to wrap it all up, the Brownstone, those sick bastards, they use a pancake.

Yup, a pancake.

Here's another picture. A cross-sample for the non-believers:

I know, I know.

Madness meets brilliance.

--

Food-wise, that was about as much as we could fit inside of us.

The coffee was good, as was the service.

The wait was insufferable, and expect to wait to park your car, but you'll forget about both of those minor annoyances once the pancakes hit the table.

I can't say it enough--if you're a breakfast food lover, take the trip to Jersey City and check out the Brownstone Diner & Pancake Factory.

And if you're interested in more glorious, high-resolution shots of pancake sex (and shame on you if you're not), as well as some MacBook Pro unboxing porn, check out the full gallery here:

Pancakes & MacBook Pros (2.14.10)

More soon.

JS

From ThinkPad To iPad

2010-01-29T10:22:00.005-05:00

When I left for college at the end of the summer of 2002, I took my mother’s IBM ThinkPad with me. She’d gotten it maybe three or four years before that, for her birthday. My father went out and bought the ThinkPad for her on his own, probably from a CompUSA, and while I don’t know this for absolute certain, I’m sure the rationale went something like this:

Look how small is it!
It’s a computer--that you can take--anywhere!
And look how small it is!

The defining feature of the ThinkPad for me was the completely unusable little red button—the TrackPoint—located in-between the G and H keys. God, was it awful. It was like a felt-covered hardened nipple. The ThinkPad was slow overall—I think it still ran Windows 95—and the strain that going to college in 2002 (Kazaa, AIM, et al) put on it was too much to handle. It crapped out right before winter break.

So what did I do? I saved up and got a Sony Vaio desktop after Christmas. Well, I didn’t actually save up—I hoarded my Christmas money and put the rest of the cost on one (or maybe several) of my newly-acquired credit cards. And that baby sung. The Vaio, not the credit card. It lasted for five years until my abuse finally put it down for the count. After a near-catastrophic lost-document incident with another machine, and tired in general of Windows and virus scans and Norton and McAfee, I made the switch to Apple.

So, why am I bringing all this up?

On Wednesday, Steve Jobs unveiled the iPad. In so many words, the iPad is a piece of glass that just happens to house a mutation of the iPhone OS, with some MacBook dashes thrown in for good measure. Unless you’ve been making mixtapes with Bin Laden, you’ve probably gotten some type of iPad explanation, so I’ll leave the basics out of an already too-long post.

What I want to get across is this:

The fact that the iPad is a reality, when less than a decade ago, I was still pounding away on an IBM ThinkPad running Windows 95, absolutely blows my mind. What’s followed in the 48 hours since the iPad unveiling has included plenty of opinions similar to mine. But there’s been an undeniable negative tone running through these last couple of days: about the name, about what it’s lacking—some have even already declared the iPad a failure.

I decided that for my own sanity, and maybe to attempt to provide a small sliver of enlightenment for others, I needed to work my way through three main questions:

I. What don’t I like about the iPad?
II. What do I like about the iPad?
III. Will I buy one?

And again, I must point out that I’m writing this without ever having seen an iPad in person, let alone touched one. I’m not smart enough to go through the SDK and make sense out of it. I’m going strictly off of what I’ve gleaned from all of the reporting that I’ve taken in, from all the messageboards and comment sections I’ve read, and from the Apple-sponsored videos I’ve watched.

*

I. What don’t I like about the iPad?

1. The keyboard

Apple has made its name by coming up with new and exceptional ways to achieve ordinary tasks. They’re fond of using the phrase, “You just do,” which usually tends to be the case. Unfortunately, a big virtual keyboard is the opposite of “you just do.” In almost all of the pictures and videos provided on how to “use” the iPad, the device is rested on the legs. I tried it with a couple of different items that are roughly the iPad’s size and there’s no way around it—it’s uncomfortable. As for laying it down on a table and typing, it just seems—not magical, which I wouldn’t normally be inclined to use to describe anything, but since Apple used the term, they get held to it. I really wanted to hold back on condemning the keyboard until I’d used one, but it’s left such a bad taste in my mouth that I couldn’t resist. And the fact that there looks to be a flood of 3rd party solutions to this (Griffin and Scosche) doesn’t change the fact that Apple either couldn’t or decided not to come up with a better way.

2. No multi-tasking

Now, I’ll admit, I’m conflicted on the issue of multi-tasking. I’ve got two issues that almost prevented me from even including multi-tasking as one of my dislikes. First, let me just say that I don’t buy this argument in the slightest:

“You mean I can’t listen to Pandora and write an e-mail? That’s bullshit!”

Spare me. You’ll be able to listen to music and perform other tasks at the same time quite easily on your iPad, just like you already can on your iPhone/iPod Touch—by using the iPod app. If you choose not to, that’s on you. The fact that I’ve spent ridiculous amounts of time and money purchasing, downloading, and arranging my music collection inclines me to use the iPod app, which I’m imagining is what Apple intended. I’m sick of hearing about Pandora and Slacker Radio and AOL Radio. I like my music collection—not what some logarithm thinks I will like.

Second—have you used an iPhone/iPod Touch before? You’re going to tell me that you need to get to your favorite Twitter app from the Facebook app faster than the 2-3 seconds it takes now? I multi-tasked on a Blackberry Storm—it wasn’t nearly that fast. And here’s another test to run—if you have an iPhone and don’t have Tweetie, get it. Start writing a tweet, stop, press the home button, open up Facebook, stalk for two minutes, close Facebook, and go back to Tweetie. What pops up? Yeah, go ahead, say it—the tweet you were writing, right how you left it. That’s called “full persistence.” Well-designed apps have it. Demand it of your favorite app developers.

But on the other hand—

Multi-tasking should have been included. I can’t argue the point; just provide alternatives, which isn’t the same thing. Battery-life is important, but it still doesn’t explain it away. Anybody who’s done even light research into jailbreaking their iPhone/iPod Touch will tell you that multi-tasking is completely possible in the iPhone OS, just not allowed. A good way to see the evidence of this is to open Mobile Safari and press the tabs icon. Or open up the Weather app. Compare what you’re looking at to the Palm Pre’s “cards” style of multi-tasking. Look familiar?

Apple, as much as I respect them, seems to be run by some stubborn SOB’s, and I think that flaw is showing through in this instance. What’s odd to me is that they didn’t even mention NOT having multi-tasking on Wednesday, which brings me to my next issue.

3. The iPad OS doesn’t seem—finished

I wouldn’t call it half-baked. More like three-quarters baked. Here are a couple of reasons that lead me to believe this:

As you can see, Apple pulled the iPad OS straight out of the iPhone. And as we all know, Apple is a company that is obsessed with the design elements of all of their products—right down to the packaging. Now, I don’t know Steve Jobs, but if I did, my first question for him after he stopped by to give me a private hands-on with the iPad would have been, “Steve—who forgot to stretch the slide to unlock, man?”

Seriously though, Apple, you must be kidding me. That beautiful, massive screen and the best unlock solution you could come up with was that tiny little slide-to-unlock? It goes together about as well as Rhianna and Chris Brown. It’s embarrassing, honestly. I’m thinking that Apple battled to get this thing ready for Wednesday and as they were making their initial to-do list, somebody said, “Look—we’re going to unlock the device ONCE during the keynote. We’ve got bigger fish to fry. We’ll fix it later.”

It’s worth pointing out that an unlock feature might not even be necessary on this type of device, but that’s an argument for another day.

Next:

Once you unlock the device, the above picture is what you’ll see. Now, everybody who spoke on Wednesday kept using one specific word: familiar. It’s a smart plan to sell the device--by harping on the fact that you already know how to use it. But I’m sorry, what looks to be about five hundred feet between those tiny little icons isn’t familiar in the slightest. Again—it’s embarrassing. It just looks—wrong.

Apple, I understand that you need to sell this to people without telling them that they need to repurchase their apps (on that note: if you think app developers are going to redesign their apps to fit both the iPhone/iPod Touch and the iPad, and just upgrade you for free, I’ve got a sometimes-injured Queens-based baseball team to sell you), but you need to come up with something better.

(And I believe that’s exactly what Apple plans to do. They got the OS 3.2 SDK--which also happens to be the next OS for the iPhone/iPod Touch--out to developers who are, as you read this, brainstorming, and upgrading, or both. The iPad won’t ship until April. The new iPhone OS is usually unveiled at the beginning of March. For the moment, both devices run basically the same OS. See where this is going? If not, read this.)

4. It’s the iPad 1G

The iPad is the first of it’s kind. From the comments that are starting to come out, now that people have had time to actually digest what they were shown, the iPad is literally like nothing we’ve seen before. Just as practice doesn’t really prepare athletes for the speed of a live game, testing a device while hiding under black cloaks, with the thing bolted to the table, can’t accurately simulate real world usage. Flaws, of both a software and hardware nature, are going to be discovered. For the most part, software flaws are fixable. Hardware flaws—not so much. The reality is that in a year or two, Apple is going to be able to make the iPad lighter, thinner, and higher-powered. Think about the difference between the 1st generation iPhone and the iPhone 3G—it was like night and day. Early adopters of the iPad will be burnt by this, just as early adopters of the iPhone were—it’s a fact. And with no contract to sign, the consumer will have less, if any, ground to stand on.

*

II. What do I like about the iPad?

1. It’s got history on its side

To all those trashing the iPad, may I remind you of the timeless phrase “those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” The negative reaction to the iPad is alarmingly similar to the reaction to the 1st generation iPhone, as well as the 1st generation iPod. What we saw on Wednesday was the equivalent of a car before it’s been upholstered or painted. It had few polished apps to run and just as it’s the apps that make the iPhone great, apps will be what make the iPad great.

2. You haven’t actually, you know, used it

What’s funny is that most of the people declaring the iPad a failure have only, at the most, seen liveblog coverage of it. Just about every review I’ve read by people who were actually there have said the same thing: wait until you hold this thing. Watching Steve Jobs mosey around Safari and Phil Schiller make fake Pages projects in the new iWork is fun, but it’s boring, let’s face it. It’s the equivalent of holding up a picture of Santa Claus, pointing to it, and telling a child, “This guy right here—he’s magic.” What’s magic to the child is when he or she wakes up in the morning and there are presents under the tree and the milk and cookies are gone.

3. The name

Oh, man, I’ve been waiting for this. So let’s address the name. First of all, let me just put it out there—I. Love. The. Name. It’s simple, easy to say, and makes perfect sense in the context of the design of the apps and how the device will be used.

Now, I’d like to dispatch the naysayer categories one by one:

-Don’t even waste my time with this nonsense: “Hee hee—it reminds me of periods!” Male or female, if you associate every mention of the word “pad” with menstruation, my advice is not to give your money to Apple, but to put it towards something useful, like a therapist, because along the way, something happened to you and you should work that out. Seriously. And if you don't think my opinion is valid because I have a penis, read this.

-Next up—the complaint that “iPad sounds too much like iPod.” Explain to me how this is a bad thing. Go ahead. Because while I may not be a marketing expert, I am a common sense expert, and I don’t really see why Apple wouldn’t want to align their new product (iPod/iPhone/iPad--get it?) with a world-changing device that they've sold 220 million of since 2001. But that's just me.

-I also find the notion that people are making the decision of whether or not they will buy the iPad, or whether or not it will be successful, based only on the name, to be absolutely ridiculous. "Dipstick" is a funny word, but it doesn't stop me from checking my car's oil. And as it was pointed out here, "Wii" is a pretty stupid name for a gaming console, but it's done fairly well in the marketplace. But it’s possible that I’m the one who’s just out of touch with reality. I like to keep an open mind.

4. The price

I don’t think enough has been made of the fact that any way you cut it, the iPad isn’t just inexpensive, it’s downright cheap. Six models ranging from $500 to $830 isn’t just “aggressive pricing” as Phil Schiller put it—it’s monumental pricing.

(Serious aside: this is all relatively speaking, of course. I understand that $830 would be much better spent helping Haitian earthquake victims, but this isn’t the forum for that type of moral debate.)

The reality is that a 64gb 3G-enabled iPad doesn’t break $850.

Now THAT is magical.

5. The unfinished OS

I know—I hate it when people do this. It’s not exactly a cunning list-making/literary trick to include the same thing on my dislikes list AND my likes list, but I had to. On Wednesday, Apple showed us a (most likely) unfinished OS. That tells me that the iPad OS has room for improvement and that Apple recognizes that. Software updates aren’t the chore that they once were (especially when it comes to Apple produc—SLAM. SLAMSLAMSLAM. Sorry—sometimes the fanboy gets out of his cage and I have to hit him with his hammer). I like to know that my technology is breathable. The iPad can, and will, evolve over time.

6. iBooks

As a writer, I wasn’t surprised to see little of the iPad after-discussion focused on what I believe to be one of the biggest new features. But let me put it out there, loud-and-proud style:

I believe that iBooks will do for books and eReaders what the iTunes Store did for music and portable media players.

I assumed, along with everybody else, that eBooks would be one of the iPad’s purposes. I figured Apple would knock out some publishing agreements and add another dropdown menu in the iTunes Store.

Yeah, not so much.

An entirely separate store dedicated to just eBooks is amazing, both for the consumer and the industry. It shows a clear dedication to making the eBook aspect of the iPad a distinct selling point, not just another feature, and I, for one, am excited to see where they can take it.

As I write, I look at pictures of the iPad and I look at my messenger bag hanging in my office and I realize that the iPad is poised to replace my iPod, my lined notebook (well—), and the book I’m always carrying. Depending on the apps coming in the next few months, the iPad may even replace the MacBook I’m typing this post on. And that sort of brings me to my next point.

7. The iPad Uses

Here’s the rub—you can’t imagine all the uses yet because they don’t exist. It’s a very meta thought, I know, but it’s true. As I write, developers are imagining uses for the iPad that I won’t think of, you won’t think of, and that Apple didn’t even think of. Again—this will be what makes this device special.

8. This. Is. A. Piece. Of. Glass.

There’s a point in the Apple-produced iPad porno where Jony Ive, obviously trying to hold back a huge shit-eating grin, says, “The face of the product is pretty much defined by a single piece of multi-touch glass--and that's it.” And in that vein, I'd like to wax poetic for a minute:

I think that the biggest disappointment for me regarding the iPad unveil was the consumer reaction. And don’t get me wrong—I don’t expect everyone to want Apple products. I really don’t. But the vitriol that bubbled up to the surface was almost palatable. And a lot of it, I think, has to do with Twitter.

I love Twitter. But you can’t deny the virus that it has infected us with—the immediacy virus. Twitter has us valuing snap judgments, 140 character editorials, and mob logic. We want to know what people think right now, we want them to use letters instead of words whenever possible, and what we want to discuss the most is whatever is trendiest at the moment.

When I decided to comment on the iPad, I thought I would shoot for a Tuesday posting, since Tuesday has sort of become my new day to go live with new pieces. But I realized that if I let six (6!) days go by, I might as well not even write the post. Even now, I’m hoping that two days after won’t be too late.

Are we are all so desensitized to technology and progress and the evolution of our world that a piece of glass that has a computer inside of it fails to inspire awe?

It’s a piece of glass, people.

I’m just now coming to understand why my iMac doesn’t have a tower, and I consider myself a fairly-educated individual. When did it become necessary—required, almost—to sneer at the idea of “just a big iPhone?”

Just a big iPhone?

Have we become that cynical of a society?

I truly hope not—because when I'm forced ponder the notion that, on a societal level, we may not even be deserving of a device like the iPad, then we’re too close to losing it all.

*

There is so much to read right now about the iPad that I decided to get down some of my favorites:

-Apple iPad: Everything You Need To Know

This will fill you in on pretty much everything about the device. Gizmodo’s coverage ranges from the downright gushy to the over-the-top bashing for no reason other than the iPad screen doesn’t rise up and form a vagina for nerds, techies, and geeks to fuck (although that would give a whole new relevance to the name). Regardless, this is a great spot to get all the basic information.

-The iPad Big Picture
-Various and Assorted Thoughts and Observations Regarding the Just-Announced iPad

I’m a bit of a John Gruber slut, I admit it, but I think (as usual) he brings up some great and mostly un-discussed points.

-Why Apple Will Sell Millions of iPads in 2010

Got this via Jason Perlow, an admitted Apple-hater (or Apple products refuser, at the very least. And even he wants one, although he keeps referring to the iPad—in regards to it’s bulky 1.5 pounds—as a “brick,” which is mind-boggling, but I’ll take what I can get from him). The main point here is that people asking, “Should I get a Kindle” or “Should I get a netbook” will both have to give the iPad face time, and that more times than not, the iPad will win.

-Apple gives every other reader reason to be nervous with iPad

Andy Ihnatko is quickly becoming another must-read for me. Here's my favorite bit from his latest:

A little later this week I’ll have more to say about the iPad and what I learned at the Apple Event. Before today, my mantra was “Remember, the Apple tablet is still just a rumored device.” From today until its April ship date, the mantra is “Remember, few people on this planet have had more than an hour’s worth of stick time with one of these; it’s made from moonbeams and wishing dust.”

But I’m absolutely certain that a liquor store that’s within walking distance of any company who staked its future on a tablet or ereader costing $400 or more will have a very, very profitable couple of months.

*

III. Will I buy one?

My answer is complicated, or wordy, at least. If the iPad was available today, or even in a week or two, my answer would be a flat, “No.”

The apps don’t exist yet, the software doesn’t seem finished, I don’t have the extra cash on hand, and on a speculation note, the 4G iPhone stands to be a huge upgrade from the 3GS and I'm not 100% convinced yet that I won't be able to use my iPhone for most of what I'd use the iPad for, although I'm getting there.

But--

The iPad isn’t available for another three months (two, technically, but the 3G-enabled models are the only models I’m considering). In that time I expect the following to happen:

-I will save the money needed to buy the iPad.

-App developers will develop mind-blowing stuff to run on this thing.

-OS 4.0 will be finished and will most likely be unveiled in early March. About a month after that (see the connection?) it will be made available for the iPad (and the hopefully mind-blowing 4G iPhone—this shit never ends, I swear).

-I will salivate over the iPad for three freakin’ months.

Assuming all of that happens, I would say its 95% certain that I’ll take the plunge, 1st generation be-damned. If all of the above doesn’t happen, I’ll drop the likelihood of me buying the iPad down to 50% because waiting for the sure-to-come 2nd generation will seem that much more doable.

For now though, all I want to see is an end to the blind negativity towards the iPad. I just want people to wait until they’ve at least held it before condemning it.

For once, I want to be amazed by people appreciating innovation on a theoretical level, not a comparative level.

I want to see respect shown not to Apple, but to the fact that we're at a point in history when a piece of glass can be more than just a piece of glass.

From a historical perspective--the fact that I was tooling around on my mother's ThinkPad using that awful TrackPoint not even a decade ago--we owe it not to the iPad, but to ourselves.

More soon.

JS

Funeral For A Friend: The Imminent Death of the iPhone

2010-01-19T11:59:00.000-05:00

“The roses in the window box have tilted to one side.
Everything about this house was born to grow and die.”

Sometimes when I'm at work, I forget what day it is. And that may be because of a lack of sleep, or a lack of coffee, or just general forgetfulness, but the reason it usually happens is because my job involves a lot of planning for the future. The majority of my work is done, not for projects happening today or tomorrow, but for events occurring six months-to-a-year down the road.

Nothing about this process excites me. I’m a results-oriented person. I like to plan, execute, sit back, and watch the results. I like the buzz one gets from seeing hard work come to fruition.

This leads me to believe, among other reasons, that even as much as I love gadgets, I would not enjoy working in the technology field. Technology is born to die, it’s that simple. As soon as something is released, a newer version is already in the works. We all know that old-school mentality about the value of a car depreciating $5000 as soon as you drive it off the lot. Well that’s nothing compared to what the technology field faces at the moment, as memory becomes cheaper and expectations grow larger.

It is with this logic in mind that I have come to understand that the iPhone, even as it sits untouched in it’s place of prominence in the technological landscape, is almost certainly facing it’s imminent death.

*

Above is the invitation that the media received yesterday for Apple’s upcoming event at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts on January 27th. Anybody with a pulse and a pair of tangled white earbuds thinks they know what the latest creation is: the fabled Apple tablet.

I’m not enough of an insider to make bold predictions about what the tablet will or will not be able to do. Nor am I tech-savvy enough to say what the chances are of the tablet containing an OLED screen or some type of mind-blowing interaction scheme. As a dedicated consumer, what I did decide was that I will not purchase the tablet unless it gives me the ability to do at least three things that I can’t accomplish on my iPhone and/or my MacBook. I can’t say what those things are—just that I can’t do them, or at the very least, I can’t do them easily, with any of my current mobile technology.

And up until a few days ago, I was firm in my resolution.

*

“Oh, it doesn’t seem a year ago to this very day.
You said, “I’m sorry, honey, if I don’t change the pace, I can’t face another day.”

I was sitting and talking with my friend Pete at lunch last week, and inevitably, the tablet came up. At this point, much to the chagrin of our friends and significant others, we’ve already investigated, debated, debugged, and are working our way through what the 2nd generation tablet should have in order to make up for what the 1st generation tablet was lacking. Even though, you know, it doesn’t exist yet.

We spend a lot of time debating the tablet. Since our conversations started, I've been part of the camp that feels it will be an over-sized iPod Touch, while Pete has been hoping for more of a stripped-down notebook, er, flatbook (for fuck’s sake, Apple, can’t you just release the name of this thing already?). My feeling is that Apple wants to go for the tweeners and the peekers—people who have seen and maybe even played with their friend’s iPhone or iPod Touch, but are just too scared to take the leap to the full leap to a MacBook or further.

On this particular day last week, Pete and I were debating what the tablet will have in terms of internet connectivity—Pete was arguing that some type of monthly data plan will be in play while I was firm in my belief that wi-fi would be the only option.

(Pete is also convinced that this data plan will be made available through Verizon, naturally, which then set us aflame with giddy joy thinking of the rumor-mongering that will ensue until the 4th generation iPhone is announced. If Apple is already in bed with Big Red, it would seem logical that the next step would be to put the best smartphone available on the best network, right? Right? I signed into my AT&T account just to see when my contract is up before realizing that everything we'd decided was nothing more than our imaginations gone wild. We’re both seeking professional help, don’t worry.)

Eventually, Pete said something very important:

I mean, I pay for the phone minutes in order to get my data plan.

I replied that I felt the same. Then I said:

Imagine if you could get a data plan for the iPod Touch?

And that’s when it hit me.

“Hey,” I said. “What if—oh my, God. Pete, I think I figured it out.”

*

On July 21st, Gizmodo’s Matt Buchanan reported on Apple’s Third Quarter financial results:

Details on the iPod decline: The drop in iPod sales was entirely limited to the "traditional MP3 players," the Classic, nano and shuffle. Apple says they expected this, saying it's "one of the reasons we developed the iPhone and iPod touch. We expect traditional MP3 players to decline over time as we cannibalize ourselves" with the iPhone and touch. Translation: Apple basically just said the traditional iPods are walking dinosaurs. To that point, the iPod touch actually grew 130 percent, making the sales decline of the other iPods that much more severe, since the 7 percent drop includes the touch. Also, Apple expects that trend to continue going into next quarter—more iPod touches, fewer regular iPods.

*

“I wonder if those changes have left a scar on you.
Like all the burning hoops of fire that you and I passed through.”

Here are the facts, or at the very least, somewhat provable opinions, as I see them:

-Netbooks are old news and Apple doesn’t do old news, so the tablet will have to be radically different (or at least give the appearance of being radically different) than a netbook.

-Apple has obviously struck gold with the iPhone/iPod Touch design principles and OS. They would be foolish to stray too far from either.

-It’s been reported far and wide that the tablet predates the iPhone in terms of Apple’s product development—supposedly the iPhone was actually was born from something the New York Times once referred to as the “Safari Pad.”

-On 1/13/10, The Boy Genius Report wrote that, "the tablet is basically an iPhone on steroids."

-Considering the rise, stability, and popularity of e-mail, instant messaging clients, text messaging, and social networking, using a telephone to interact with others is not only becoming decidedly unhip, it’s being noticeably phased-out of our everyday lives.

-Apple has to at least be aware of AT&T’s struggles to keep their network functioning with the strain the iPhone is currently putting on it. And up until now, we’ve all been searching for a way to beef up the network to handle the load, which would be the equivalent of improving the equipment used to drill for oil, rather than looking for alternatives to oil, and in the long run, getting the gas-guzzlers off the road. What if, instead of spending money to try and handle the load, it’s the load that needs to be lightened?

-With all of the recent failures by companies not named Apple to deliver an “iPhone killer," it has begun to be accepted that the only company that can build a true iPhone killer is--Apple.

*

How many people do you know who own an iPod Touch?

Do they call it their “iPod Touch?”

Or do they call it their “iTouch?”

*

The key to realizing what the tablet will/could/might do can be found on any iPhone screen.

Just as the iPod went from being a distinct, tangible device to a little orange icon, just another application, rather than a world-changing device, soon enough, so will the “Phone” function in the iPhone.

Oh, wait.

It already is.

Apple saw the writing on the wall even before they knew what they were writing, maybe even before the wall was built:

The phone is dying.

The recent price slashing by cell phone providers of unlimited voice plans is proof enough. It’s reminiscent of the frantic defibrillator attempts of medical personnel on a person in cardiac arrest.

On my iPhone, I have 79 applications installed. Do you know how many of them have anything to do with the phone capability of my iPhone?

One—the actual “Phone” app that brings up the traditional telephone interface.

Visual Voicemail is hit-or-miss on the AT&T network. Do you know why it never really bothers me, or why its inadequacy has never really been addressed?

Because I’ve got about ten other ways for people to get in contact with me that are all quicker, cheaper, and easily accessible.

Keep repeating:

I pay for the phone in order to get my data plan.

I wish I could get a data plan for my iPod Touch.

The tablet is basically an iPhone on steroids.

The only company that can build a true iPhone killer is Apple.

And it all becomes clear.

*

“You’re a bluebird on a telegraph line, I hope you’re happy now.
Well if the wind of change comes down your way girl, you’ll make it back somehow.”

On January 27th, Apple is going to announce—something. Signs point to some type of handheld flatscreen device, but the reality is that nobody knows for sure. The event itself was only officially announced about twenty-four hours ago.

One of the main reasons that Apple has become such a successful brand is that it follows the Wayne Gretzky logic of “skating to where the puck will go, not where it is at the moment.” As it stands right now, the iPhone is king. It’s taken some body blows from the Palm Pre and the Droid and the Nexus One and maybe even from the Storm 2, but it’s still on top.

But Apple knows that nothing gold can stay. If Apple waits to make its next move once the iPhone has finally been defeated, it will already be too late.

Much like the cannibalization that took place when Apple reduced their era-defining iPod to just another application on multiple black screens full of them, on January 27th, Apple will look to do the same thing to the iPhone.

iPhone and iPod Touch users, I’d like to conduct an experiment. Scroll through your application screens. Imagine all of your favorite apps on a high resolution screen that’s about four times the size of the one you’re looking at. Imagine them working faster, more efficiently. Imagine your movies and TV shows. All the games you’ve become so attached to. Imagine enhanced content from your favorite newspapers, magazines, and books. Imagine Facebook. Imagine Skype. Imagine SMS and MMS-style threaded conversations. Imagine video streaming apps and photo manipulation programs. Imagine paying half of what you pay now for all of it.

Now think about what I didn’t mention—and tell me—until I pointed it out, did you even think twice about it not being there?

*

If for some reason you can’t follow along online, I’ll let you know what is finally unveiled by Steve Jobs at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts on January 27th.

I can’t promise that I know what it will be, but I can promise you this:

When I tell you, we probably won’t be talking on the phone.

More soon.

JS

Momofuku Milk Bar: Where New Year’s Resolutions Go To Die

2010-01-12T09:35:00.004-05:00

I went to the gym last Monday, January 4th, and I couldn’t use “my” stationary bike. I say that it’s mine because it’s the same bike that I use at the same time, just about every day of the week. It’s the one that’s right under a ventilation duct and it’s lined up so that I don’t strain my neck watching one of the wall-mounted TV’s. I couldn’t use it Monday because there were about ten or fifteen people in the gym who aren’t usually there.

Why?

New Year’s resolutions.

It’s that time of year again, I guess. I’ve never been one for resolutions (sweeping generalizations-turned-promises made to yourself never end well), but if you are one of those people who declares a War on Ass Fat each New Year, do yourself a favor—don’t go to Momofuku Milk Bar.

--

Located on 2nd Ave. between 12th and 13th street, Milk Bar is part of David Chang’s Momofuku empire. With Christina Tosi at the helm, Milk Bar is delivering some of the most imaginative, tasty, downright insane desserts available today.

Danielle and I went this weekend—a cold, windy Saturday—to experience the spectacle firsthand after salivating over the menu for a day or three. We spent a lot of money (more than we normally would on desserts, at least), took in too many calories, and documented the whole thing with my new Canon S90.

Here are the results (click all the photos for higher resolution images):

As you can see from the menu, there are plenty of options—soft serve (flavors change monthly), flavored milks, milkshakes, cookies, cakes, pies, breads, specialty spreads and drinks.

*Cue the divine intervention noise.*

There isn’t much in turns of motif at Milk Bar—and that’s fine with me. The most beautiful thing in the room is the food. Some bar tables to hold the Sriracha for your pork buns, free tap water, and TV On The Radio playing the role of muzak. Stainless-steel-meets-spruced-up-storage-room is what I would call it. And it works.

I wound up taking a bunch of shots of the Milk Bar packaging. I love the Momofuku peach logo, and I love how understated it is on their bags and cake boxes.

Pork buns? In a bakery? Before you even ask, I’ll answer it this way—because he can. David Chang’s pork buns are well-known and well-reviewed and now I understand why. We had two orders—one while we decided what to get and another because—well, they are just that amazing. $9 for a deuce is a little pricey (at the same time, three would have been a bargain), but completely worth it as far as I’m concerned. As Danielle said, “I could eat fifty of these.”

The Cinnamon Bun Pie came next. We ate it there because they served it warm. Remember those Cinnabon cinnamon rolls? Corporate? Oversized? Soulless? Well, forget them, because Cinnamon Bun Pie is much, much better. I love how the slightly bready back end of the slice mimics the “normal” cinnamon roll layout.

Oh, Crack Pie. This is one of the desserts that everyone brings up when you mention Milk Bar. I will admit that the hype built it up just a bit too much for me, but it was still really good. Damn good, actually. Think chess pie, but a bit different, or maybe even a light corn syrup-only pecan pie, but without the pecans. The star here is the crust, which is perfect and crunchy and I’d like to be baked in it when I pass on, please.

At this point, we headed back to the Bronx (although we did have a cookie in the car) to deliver some of the goods to my brother and mother. Mike requested one of Milk Bar’s flavored milks, specifically “Cereal Milk,” which they make by letting toasted Corn Flakes sit in local, organic milk. After the soak, it is strained through a chinoise and salt and sugar are added. It’s—flavorful, that’s for sure. It is an exact replica of milk that, you know, had cereal in it. Except more so. If this is your thing (it’s not mine, I admit) you will love it. My brother talked about it for twenty four hours, I swear.

Then there was the Compost Cookie, another Milk Bar favorite. On the menu it’s listed as having, “pretzels, potato chips, coffee grounds, oats, butterscotch chips, and chocolate chips” in it and I can attest to the presence of all of those ingredients. Milk Bar’s cookies are a different breed of cookie—deceptively heavy, very crispy on the outside, very soft on the inside, and very naked in terms of flavor—there is no doubt that the cookie was made with sugar, butter, and eggs, even with all of the junk poking out of it (and I use junk here as a very positive term). There is so much junk, in fact, that all the cookies have humps in the middle, my guess being that they were not able to hold their own weight during the cooking process.

We also got the Cornflake-Chocolate Chip-Marshmallow Cookie. Again, awesome. Again, not as light as I thought it would be, but in a good way. It definitely had oats in it, which was a nice textural change.

The Candy Bar Pie is a spin on Hershey’s Take 5 bar. What I liked the most about it was the separation of layers—it wasn’t just a mush of ingredients. Again, another amazing crust. My mother loved this.

If there was one disappointment for me, and Danielle too, it was the Chocolate Malt Cake. And I wouldn’t even say it was a disappointment; it just wasn’t as exceptional as everything else. The cake’s filling and charred marshmallows were good, but neither element could hide the dry, crumbly cake which was difficult to get out of the box in one piece.

--

Please, be sure to head here for the gallery of all the pictures I took.

--

In a world filled with dime-a-dozen designer cupcake slingers, It comes down to three questions:

Are the desserts at Milk Bar outrageous? Yes.

Are they delicious? Yes.

Can you go to any bakery and get the same fare? No.

For me, that pretty much says it all.

And there’s so much more at Milk Bar to try (we spent about $70, by the way)—more cookies, more cakes, breads, and soft serve. Not to mention the rest of the Momofuku empire—Noodle Bar, Ssam Bar, and Ko.

But be sure to get to Milk Bar soon, and please, let me know how it goes. For that matter, let me know before you go so I can come with.

Unless, of course, you’ve got New Year’s resolutions to worry about, in which case I would recommend staying as far away from Milk Bar as possible.

But if you’re weak and still go, please, stay off my bike at the gym, okay?

More soon.

JS

(Some background information for this review was taken from Wikipedia, Momofuku, and Eat Me Daily.)

The Internet Was Invented For AutoTune

2010-01-08T10:22:00.001-05:00

Right now, YouTube is full-up with autotuned-videos, some good ones too, so naturally, it takes a lot to stand out in such a robotic, chorus-saturated crowd.

Enter DJ Steve Porter.

You can read his Wikipedia page here for all the background stuff (add him on Twitter and Facebook), but for me, all that needs to be known is that he's the creator of multiple instances of genius.

My personal favorites are "Press Hop" and "Rollins vs. Viking" and of course "Slap Chop Rap."

The list goes on.

This morning, I woke up to find that Porter outdid himself once again. I can't express to you how much I love what you're about to see. Really. I've watched it probably ten times already today. I want Porter at my wedding.

Somebody make that happen, okay?

Anyway, I'd like to present "You Play To Win The Game":

I know.

I know--it's amazing. I love how JB mentions the Coors commercials, which are funny in their own right, but I'm sorry, this is way better. Be sure to watch it here in all its full-size glory.*

That's all for now. I just got a new camera, so be on the lookout for a photography binge and some related posts.

2010--the year of the unfinished novel.

More soon.

JS

*Video via Deadspin.

Maybe I'm Losing My Mind

2009-12-22T10:25:00.000-05:00

It's been a minute since I really cared much about street riding/BMX, but the above video, posted this morning by The Big Lead, pretty much made me question if I was still drunk from last night's holiday party, that's how mind-blowing it is. Great music too.

The fact that the Yankees just traded for Javier Vazquez (¿Tienes Leche? No, actually, not anymore--sorry, Danielle) and AT&T won a 12 city 3G network speed test certainly added to my general feeling of what-the-fuck-itis, but again, watch that video. You won't regret it.

More soon.*

JS

*Or not, because honestly, this time of year is putting a vicious cramp in my internet-ing.

PANK Magazine--"The Fourth" And An Interview

2009-12-10T09:55:00.000-05:00

As you may or may not have noticed, I added a "My Findings On The Apocalypse" section to Artificial Night. These are, in apocalypse-speak, my recent publications. On 11/15, I added a link to my story "The Fourth," published in the first-rate PANK Magazine. On the off-chance you don't feel like doing much scrolling, here's the link:

The Fourth

What PANK also does that's pretty cool is interview each contributor. My interview went live on their blog yesterday. Here's the link:

Ask the Author, Joe Stracci

And on the off-chance you don't feel like navigating to their site, which I can't really fathom why you wouldn't want to, especially since you should leave comments about how witty and good-looking I am, here's the interview:

Ask the Author, Joe Stracci
[Roxane Gay / December 9th, 2009 / Interviews ]

Joe Stracci’s evocative story, The Fourth, perfectly captures a holiday weekend spent with family. In his interview, he talks about writing that is neither this nor that, authentic dialogue, and beverages of choice.

1. I can’t quite put my finger on “The Fourth”. It can read as flash fiction or a prose poem with multiple parts. Which of the two is it?

I’m not sure if it’s either. I tend to work on a smaller scale in all facets of my writing life. Labeling a specific piece as “flash fiction” or “minute fiction” or a “prose poem” seems to indicate a choice, rather than just writing until I’ve completed a thought, which is always the goal.

If “The Fourth” is anything, it’s my attempt at a list story—something in the vein of Mary Robison’s “Why Did I Ever”, or Joe Brainard’s “I Remember.” I wanted to present tightly woven clusters of specific moments and images and ideas and dialogue and have the end result be a monument to something bigger. It’s never specifically stated in the story that “The Fourth” is taking place on the Fourth of July, only colloquially in the title, but by the end, you still know that’s what the piece is about, or at least I hope so.

2. “The Fourth” has some excellent dialogue. What do you do to prepare the voices of your characters so they sound authentic?

I listen very closely at family gatherings. After, I say a prayer that my relatives never read my work. (And guys, if you read this—just kidding!)

3. When I was younger, my cousin chased me around with lit sparklers and it scared the shit out of me. What, if any, type of festive explosive spooks you?

The block I lived on in the Bronx from ages 6-13 was a literal warzone on the 4th. It was the best day of the year. You’d fall asleep to the sound of the manhole covers rattling every fifteen, twenty seconds. Even better was the day after—the carpet of spent fireworks on the street. I’ve got a love for things that have fuses and blow up. I actually used a well-known International parcel-shipping company (unbeknownst to them) to mail myself fireworks while on a trip to Key West not too long ago. Good thing that worked out too—my fiancée would have gotten in a lot of trouble when they checked the shipper information and got her home address.

4. What is your favorite thing to eat from the grill?

Sausage—it’s the Italian in me. Slighty-burnt hot dogs too. Basically anything, especially if it’s being eaten outside too. There’s a line in an Amy Hempel story that goes something like, “Food eaten while sitting outside doesn’t count,” and that’s an ideology I’m willing to subscribe to.

5. What have you killed with fire?

Many, many relationships. Kidding—although I have been accused on multiple occasions of having a healthy preoccupation with fire. I did invent the “Flaming Burrito” which is when you take a Penny Pincher, rip out five or six pages, roll the Penny Pincher around the loose pages so they stick out, and then light both ends. It’s a sight.

6. I think this line alone sums up America as a whole “Our country’s cake was chocolate. Inside—Mexican vanilla frosting and raspberry preserves.” Would you agree with this statement? If not, how would you sum up America in a sentence.

A doctor recently told me that 80% of the people in this country have either a first or second generation relative that lived in the Bronx or Brooklyn at some point. I don’t know if that’s true, but I’d believe it. Growing up in the Bronx, diversity wasn’t diversity—it was part of the backdrop of everyday life—so in that sense, I’m somewhat disconnected.

I thought of the idea of “America” recently, actually. I’m making my way through “Infinite Jest,” and there’s a part where two ETA students are discussing annular theory and the idea of (and I’m paraphrasing) fusion creating waste, which becomes the fuel for a different process, and that process’s waste becoming fuel for the original fusion. I don’t think DFW intended it to be interpreted in that way, but to a reformed pessimist, it makes a great deal of sense.

7. What’s your preferred beverage on our day of independence?

Sam Adams Summer Ale from noon until dinner. Bud Light until 8 or 9, and then gin and tonic for the rest of the night. And a Bud Light chaser with any shots that take place along the way. But who’s counting?

--

Again, please go to PANK Magazine's site and check out some of the othe other kick-ass pieces that were in the issue with me.

More soon.

JS

Where Brooklyn At?

2009-12-01T13:22:00.002-05:00

Haven't posted in a while, I know. Between the holidays and having minor surgery and then getting caught up at work, it's been one big clustercuss (that's my way of hinting that I recently saw The Fantastic Mr. Fox--see my review here).

Anyway, I've got a couple of bigger posts planned, but in the meanwhile, be sure to check out what I believe is now last week's issue of New York Magazine. They did a multi-armed piece on the Brooklyn music scene, broken down here:

-A piece on the scene in general, especially Dirty Projectors

-An interview with MGMT, where they talk about their upcoming album

-An interview with DJ /rupture

-A guide for finding great venues in Brooklyn

-A guide to great Brooklyn music blogs

-And the biggie, a 40 track play list of the best songs that define the scene. I took the time to download everything and put it all together (they give you a pre-made iTunes link, but it's missing three of the songs) and while I was familiar with some of it already (TV On The Radio, Grizzly Bear, MGMT, etc.), some of it really blew me away (Matt and Kim, The Antlers, The National, etc.). Definitely worth your time/money if you're looking to discover some fresh sounds.

More soon.

JS

Changes

2009-11-18T11:47:00.004-05:00

I'm making some changes to Artifical Night, so over the next couple of days, things might be out of place, or missing, or just plain awful.

Ignore it.

More soon.

JS

The Magic Mouse: Is It Really Magic?

2009-11-16T10:29:00.009-05:00

When I first heard about the Magic Mouse, I thought it was a joke.

I didn’t think the name could be real, especially coming from a company that already offers a product that many sarcastically refer to as “The Jesus Phone.”

But the Magic Mouse is real—and I have one—and after a weekend of use, I’m ready to decide if other people should take the plunge. I won’t go over the specs/basics of the Magic Mouse. We all know—it’s touch capacitive. Read Gizmodo or Apple to get the finer details. What I can share is the experiences of an everyday user.

Also, I was going to overload this post with pictures, but uploading them is a pain in the ass, so I finally started a Flickr stream. Be sure to check out:

The Magic Mouse: Unboxed and In Its Element

and also check out:

Apple Store, Upper West Side Opening

for some pictures of the, well, yeah, you guessed it.

Anyway, let the reviewing commence:

-The design of the MM makes sense. It’s both longer and wider than I expected it to be, yet it’s quite small in your hand. Almost too small, actually, but it truly feels like it couldn’t be any other size, which I like.

-“Yeah, it’s pretty fantastic looking.” Those were Danielle’s first words when I showed it to her on Friday, and I can’t think of a better way to sum up the MM, visually. It looks like something you’d be using in 2029, forget about 2009. Aesthetically, it matches the white/aluminum iMac and keyboard perfectly.

-The click action is responsive. Solid. I enjoyed it more as the weekend went on. The Mighty Mouse felt like you were pressing down the casing, which I hated. The Magic Mouse feels like you’re pressing down a button, which you are, except you--aren’t. It makes using it with the right-click turned on feel more organic, a big bonus for me.

-This may just be my desk, but when moving it, it still has some noise to it, hence the mouse pad you see in the pictures, which I really don’t mind. If that’s going to be a deal breaker for you, you probably didn’t want it anyway.

-For iPhone users—prepare to fall in love with, and then hate, the Magic Mouse. Think about it—your scrolling action is always swipe/flick based! It’s amazing! The MM totally simulates the feel of the iPhone, which I loved at first. Until I picked up my iPhone, and it felt like it weighed ten pounds in my hand. It was downright—chunky. I kept looking at the bottom of the MM and wondering what it would look like with my home screen on it. In the future? Maybe? Please?

-“Scrolling is money.” Those are from my notes that I took down on Friday when I wanted to capture my initial impression. And my affection only grew as the weekend went on. Scrolling with one finger is perfectly executed. You can adjust how responsive the surface is, although I have it turned up to full responsiveness, and I never overshot anything. I love it. I don’t want any trackballs, or nipples, or rubber wheels ever again. This is the future.

-Ah—the two-fingered swipe. I didn’t really understand from the videos and reviews what the two-fingered swipe would be used for. So far, all I’ve found is: a) to scroll through photos in iPhoto, b)to scroll through cover flow in iTunes (or at least try to), and c) to page back and forward in an Internet browser. To be honest, this is one of the two areas where the MM gets failing marks from me. First of all, the physics behind the two-fingered swipe are boinked from the start, and I’ll explain why in the next bullet. Second, it doesn’t always work. You can’t swipe too slow, but you can’t swipe too fast. You can’t start too far to the side of the mouse, but you can’t start too close to the middle either. You’ve got to nail it just right, and the payoff isn’t really all that big, because there are simpler ways to achieve the three things I listed, and frankly, I’ve done those three things the same way for so long that I don’t see myself investing the time to re-learn how to do them the MM’s way. I wouldn't be surprised to see this feature dropped in the future, unless by some miracle it can be refined a great deal.

-The MM is not ergonomic, although part of me wants to follow that with "whatever the hell that means." It’s height off the table is really low, and what happens, because of the touch-based gestures, is you wind up holding around the mouse, rather than holding the mouse itself. This will be the greatest challenge for people, especially those moving from some clunky Logitech number. And as I mentioned before, holding the sides of the mouse, rather than resting your palm on its butt, is exactly why two-fingered swipe doesn’t work—you don’t have the fingers readily available.

--

While I ended on two negative notes, I’m giving the Magic Mouse an enthusiastic endorsement. The touch-based scrolling is reason enough--a huge reason, actually--to buy this mouse, and then take into account the design, the look, the feel, and for Mac users, the grace with which it completes a recent Mac setup, and it all adds up to a mouse that may not be magic, but is certainly worth your money.

More soon.

JS

AT&T, I Hate You

2009-11-13T12:12:00.004-05:00

So, my Magic Mouse arrived this morning. Expect the full review on Monday morning--complete with unboxing shots, pictures, and maybe some video of it in action.

I'm currently (like, literally right now as I type this) on the phone with AT&T trying to figure out why they just won't admit there's a 3G outage in the area,* so in the spirit of that, thanks to Petey, I'll post something I laughed quite hard at a few minutes ago (click to get a bigger version):

More soon.

JS

*I, along with the eight other iPhone owners I know who happen to live with/near me, haven't had any type of service since Wednesday. First there was no outage in the area, then there was, and now there isn't again. AT&T keeps 'troubleshooting' with me on the phone, which basically involves them telling me to turn the phone off and turn the phone on again. I happily pay $200 a month for me and Danielle to use the best phone currently on the market, but when it gets fucked by the network, well, that really sucks, both for me, and the provider. Verizon, I implore you--get the iPhone. I will come back. I will give you my $200 a month. I will even take back all the nasty things I told poor Kathy when I terminated my contract so many months ago. Just get it, please.

Finding The Angles

2009-11-05T12:16:00.008-05:00

Since Robinson Cano fielded Shane Victorino's ground ball last night and threw to Mark Teixeira to record the final out of Game 6, giving the New York Yankees their 27th World Series, I've been thinking about finding an angle. This is a post that many (I hope) expected I'd write, and I didn't want to let anyone down.

But I had nothing.

It's all been said before--how great of a group this is, how A-Rod finally forgot about the calendar, how the Fab 4 returned for one more, how they won one more for the Boss, how the new stadium fit like a glove--

All old news.

I posted a picture of the trophy celebration and figured that singular expression of joy would be enough to get across my excitement over the fact that the team I love so dearly are once again on top of the world.

But writers--we have this thing.

We have to write.

We wake up wanting to write, and if we don't, we go to bed wishing we had.

And so the itch was not scratched.

--

Around 10:15 this morning, I tweeted:

Does 2 WS victories, 4 AL Pennants, 4 ALDS appearances, and 1 ALCS appearance officially make the Yankees the team of the 2000's?

My gut response was, of course, yes. I followed up that tweet with:

That was a rhetorical question, by the way--of course it does. Write a book about it, Buster Olney!

And I thought that would be the end of it.

But then, a friend commented that he was pretty sure that the Yankees held the best overall record of the decade, another jewel in the "Best of the 2000's" crown.

It wasn't enough for me to assume he was right--I needed to know. Baseball provides a healthy outlet for those of us with a slight dusting of the OCD. I love finding and compiling numbers, and when those numbers are linked to athletics, well, color me a shade of terrific.

So I started digging and adding and then I found some more stuff and well, I found my angle.

Let me tell you why the Yankees are the team of the 2000's.

--

A couple of things to remember:

-I put all of this together in about 2 hours, while at work. I'm sure I made some oversights, bad calculations, and mistakes. My bad.
-I am a Yankees fan.
-I have a fierce belief that the American League is vastly superior to the National League, and that the American League East is the toughest division in the league.

--

So what I looked at first was 2000-2009 records. There was no convenient spot for this, so doing it for every team was not an option, or really necessary for that matter. I decided to go with the:

New York Yankees
Boston Red Sox
Los Angeles Angels
St. Louis Cardinals
Philadelphia Phillies
Los Angeles Dodgers
New York Mets

Yes, I know the AL Central isn't there. The Twins, Tigers, Royals, Indians, and White Sox should win more. Moving on.

Here's what the record breakdown came out to:

New York Yankees: 965 & 651
Boston Red Sox: 920 & 699
St. Louis Cardinals: 913 & 706
Los Angeles Angels: 900 & 720
Los Angeles Dodgers: 862 & 758
Philadelphia Phillies: 850 & 769
New York Mets: 815 & 803

In the interest of time--and my sanity--I decided that any further analysis should be limited to the top 4, and it seemed fitting that that decision limited the group to 900 wins or more.

What I looked at next was the outcomes of each season for the four teams:

New York Yankees
2000: WS Win
2001: WS Loss
2002: ALDS Loss (Lost to the Angels #1)
2003: WS Loss
2004: ALCS Loss (Lost to the Red Sox)
2005: ALDS Loss (Lost to the Angels #2)
2006: ALDS Loss
2007: ALDS Loss (Wild Card Team)
2008: Did not make the playoffs
2009: WS Win

Boston Red Sox
2000: Did not make the playoffs
2001: Did not make the playoffs
2002: Did not make the playoffs
2003: ALCS Loss (Wild Card Team--Lost to the Yankees in ALCS)
2004: WS Win (Wild Card Team--Beat the Yankees down 3-0)
2005: ALDS Loss (Wild Card Team)
2006: Did not make the playoffs
2007: WS Win (ALE Winner)
2008: ALCS Loss (Wild Card Team)
2009: ALDS Loss (Wild Card Team)

St. Louis Cardinals
2000: NLCS Loss
2001: NLDS Loss
2002: NLCS Loss
2003: Did not make the playoffs
2004: WS Loss
2005: NLCS Loss
2006: WS Win
2007: Did not make the playoffs
2008: Did not make the playoffs
2009: ALDS Loss

Los Angeles Angels
2000: Did not make the playoffs
2001: Did not make the playoffs
2002: WS Win (Wild Card Team--Beat the Yankees in the ALDS)
2003: Did not make the playoffs
2004: ALDS Loss (Lost to the Red Sox #1)
2005: ALCS Loss (Beat the Yankees in the ALDS)
2006: Did not make the playoffs
2007: ALDS Loss (Lost to the Red Sox #2)
2008: ALDS Loss (Lost to the Red Sox #3)
2009: ALCS Loss (Lost to the Yankees)

So what can we take from all of this?

-The Angels are the only team of the 4 that did not make it to more than 1 World Series.

-The Yankees missed the playoffs only once. The Cardinals--3 times. The Red Sox and The Angels? 4.

-The Yankees won 4 Pennants--nobody else won more than 2.

-Of the Red Sox 6 playoff appearances, 5 were as the Wild Card team. The Yankees and Angels, only once. The Cardinals--never.

-While the numbers keep the top 3 teams (Yankees, Red Sox, and Cardinals) close, for me, it comes down to the Yankees and Red Sox.

The Cardinals play in a clinically weak National League Central, while the Red Sox and Yankees faced each other over 200 times during 2000-2009, and that's not taking into account the seasons filled with match-ups against the Blue Jays, Orioles, and Rays, all 3 of which are teams that are far better than the records account for.

Deciding between the Yankees and the Red Sox is hard. While the numbers sway towards the Yankees, it's impossible to account for what the 2004 ALCS meant to the rivalry. That Sunday night, coming off a 19-8 victory, nobody in the world thought the Red Sox had any chance of coming back.

And they did.

I still get physically sick thinking about it, actually.

Now, I think that the Yankees may have finally gotten back on equal footing, mentally, but they are nowhere near the dominant older brother that they once were when the decade began.

That being said, the numbers and the immeasurables are clear (to me, at least):

The Yankees are the best team of the 2000's.

Let the arguing begin.

--

No wrap-up is complete without casting an eye towards the future. Here's some random thoughts:

-The debate has already begun about who should be brought back for 2010--Matsui or Damon. Matsui now has a WS MVP under his belt, one that he deserved. But Matsui went through long stretches this year where he didn't hit for shit.

Damon certainly brings more athletic prowess to the table, although it wouldn't be a shock to see his defense fall off rather quickly (as if it has too far to go). And the reality is that once Damon's legs go, he'll be worthless in the field. My answer is this:

Don't sign either of them.

The Yankees want to get younger. They want talent. They love big names and big headlines.

There's only one logical choice:

Matt Holliday.

I know. I know.

The rich keep getting richer!

Just spend more money!

To the naysayers, I'll paraphrase Patrick Roy:

"I'm sorry, but I can't hear you. My 27 World Championships are clogging up my ears."

Seriously though, Holliday is the answer. The Yankees have said that they are not looking to expand payroll for 2010. Except, that was before they were the Defending World Series Champions. Matsui and Damon made a combined $26 million dollars in 2009. I would think that Holliday, who will certainly be overpaid, would come here for less than that. It's overestimating, but I'd say $20 million/per is the magic number.

Holliday is 29. He's a doubles machine--since '06, he has 45, 50, 38, and 39. He is the perfect add-on player--a guy who will thrive at being the third or fourth (or fifth) best player on the Yankees. Bonus--he plays the position that Damon currently inhabits, except about a million times better. Best of all, he's on record as saying that his two choices of where to go are the Yankees and the Mets. A six year/$120 million contract will wrap him up, and I believe the Yankees need to--and will--do it.

-The Yankees should re-sign Andy Pettitte. One of the main reasons I wasn't too too nervous going into Game 6 was because he was pitching. Sure, started to wonder if the 3 days rest thing would bite him, or if he was just too old, or tired, but then I remembered--

this is Andy-fucking-Pettitte.

The guy has seen it all before, and more often than not, come out on top. And he proved why once again.

The Yankees should sign him because he will be the perfect fifth starter--he'll get extra days to rest, he'll be able to rely on brains just as much as stuff, and he'll be an outstanding presence with the younger pitchers on the team, which brings me to my next point--

-The Yankees are set, pitching-wise, for the next five years. We know who's already penciled in for the 1 and 2 spots. But let's not forget--we have a pool of MLB-ready talent that includes Joba, Hughes, Wang (who won't be rushed back from injury again), and Kennedy. They will be able to get two starters from that pool, no doubt about it. In a perfect world, my choice would be Hughes and Wang, leaving Joba as the heir to Mariano and Kennedy to develop more, which means the Yankee rotation would be:

Sabbathia
Burnett
Hughes
Wang
Pettitte

Everyone made a big deal this postseason (myself included) out of the fact that the Yankees only had 3 reliable starting pitchers. Well you know what--the Phillies only had 1. Look at the group of 5 up there--you wouldn't sign up for that right now?

-The Holliday signing is important because it brings some stability to the Yankees outfield. I still believe that Melky is just good enough to trade and Gardener, as fast as he is, just can't hit on the major league level. That in mind, I would be thrilled with an outfield of Holliday/Melky/Nady with Swisher and Gardener playing slightly more than support roles. How could you not be?

--

Exhale.

Smile.

Ballgame over.

World Series over.

The--well you know how it goes.

This is why we we get sick for these guys, and their pinstriped-laundry.

And there's always more sports to watch, always more angles to pursue, but I think I'm going to sit back and enjoy this one for a bit.

I'm an unapologetic fan of the best team of the 2000's.

Itch--scratched.

More soon.

JS

27!

2009-11-05T09:56:00.000-05:00

That Cobain Pussy

2009-11-04T11:36:00.005-05:00

There's a scene in Darren Aronofsky's "The Wrestler" where Mickey Rourke and Marissa Tomei are on an impromptu date--sitting in a dark bar in the middle of the day, both looking pretty beaten down by life. Suddenly Ratt's "Round and Round" comes on the bar's jukebox and Mickey Rourke decides to live in the moment:

It would be better if that clip wasn't in overdubbed Italian, but here's what they say after they stop laughing:

Randy 'The Ram' Robinson: Goddamn they don't make em' like they used to.
Cassidy: Fuckin' 80's man, best shit ever !
Randy 'The Ram' Robinson: Bet'chr ass man, Guns N' Roses! Rules.
Cassidy: Crue!
Randy 'The Ram' Robinson: Yeah!
Cassidy: Def Lep!
Randy 'The Ram' Robinson: Then that Cobain pussy had to come around & ruin it all.
Cassidy: Like theres something wrong with just wanting to have a good time?
Randy 'The Ram' Robinson: I'll tell you somethin', I hate the fuckin' 90's.
Cassidy: Fuckin' 90's sucked.
Randy 'The Ram' Robinson: Fuckin' 90's sucked.

That scene always cracks me up, because it highlights an important aspect of history--perspective. For me and so many people my age, Nirvana represented something pretty significant in the cultural landscape. But where did it leave the displaced? Relegated to the position of butt-of-jokes, involving hairspray and leather pants. No longer an angsty teen (well, maybe still angsty, but definitely not a teen), it's strange to think about how my personal music revolution came along and destroyed what had been established before it.

--

I wasn't old enough to ever fully appreciate Nirvana. Kurt Cobain had killed himself almost two years prior to my discovering his band's music, but I quickly made up for lost time. I read every book that was out there, memorized all of the stories, bought all the t-shirts I could find, hung up the posters, and bought all the music. It all spoke to me on a level like nothing had before. Nirvana's music had the kind of hold on me that the preachers and parents of yesteryear warned against when hand-wringing over the effects of rock 'n' roll.

And remember--this was pre-Internet. No iTunes. No torrents. No Amazon. No eBay. It was so long ago that I actually had to get "From The Muddy Banks of The Wishkah" on cassette because Sam Goody had already sold out of the CD and I didn't know when the next chance would come around to buy it.

--

Eventually, I moved on from Nirvana. Sure, I still remember all of the lyrics, still have my worn copy of the Michael Azerrad book "Come As You Are," but the fascination is no longer there. I didn't even bother to buy "With The Lights Out" when it came out, didn't bother to buy Frances Cobain-approved "Sliver: The Best of the Box". I downloaded the Greatest Hits CD, though, if only for "You Know You're Right," a song that will always give me goosebumps, no matter how many times I hear it, as it will always be a chilling reminder of what could have been.

It's funny--maybe two years ago, I even sat down and read Everett True's massive biography of Nirvana. British music journalism is unlike anything, anywhere, and while the book was good, something strange happened:

I wound up wondering what I had seen in Kurt Cobain ten years ago.

It hurt, but I didn't like Kurt anymore. I found his gripes to be petty and put forth in a inarticulate and narcissistic way. He didn't seem to be nearly as smart anymore. He seemed downright--immature.

I remember laying awake one night, wondering if he would have approved of my putting sports, music, and technology on equal footing in terms of personal devotion, and then getting mad at myself for even thinking about it in the first place.

--

I've been thinking about all of this because of an article by Seth Colter Walls in Newsweek:

Nirvana Heaven, And Hell

Walls talks about two new just-in-time-for-the-holidays Nirvana releases--a reissue of "Bleach" and a CD/DVD of their '92 performance at the Reading festival. He talks about the editing of the CD version of the Reading performance compared to the DVD. On the CD, some of the on-stage banter and posturing is left out in order to stick to the 80 minute CD time limits, and he feels that it changes the emotional weight of the performance as a whole.

Regarding the reissue of their first album, he sarcastically quips how their tiny budget ($600) forced them to record over their outtakes, which left nothing in the vaults to include inside the 2009 reissue--a remastering of a show that took place at the time would have to suffice.

Walls also talks about recent battles by the Cobain camp to keep Activision from including a Cobain avatar in the next Guitar Hero--a move that I swiftly applauded.

At first.

But now, I'm having trouble.

I'm having trouble deciding what makes the Guitar Hero avatar all that different from any of the other stuff that's been released--the books and the bios and the journal reproductions and the box sets--shit, look at the picture that leads this post. That's one of two Nirvana-tribute shoes designed by Converse, intentionally made to look like Kurt's beat up Chucks.

I didn't know Kurt Cobain, but I can say with a fair amount of certainty that he would not have signed off on a signature shoe.

It's fun to think that preserving the legacy of someone involves keeping true to their ethics and their beliefs, but how realistic is it? If it is the music that will live on--and it will--and Guitar Hero is just another medium in a long line of innovations that gives impressionable kids a chance to blow the doors off of their boundaries, how can it be wrong?

--

So where will I be in twenty years?

Will I be in a bar like Mickey Rourke in "The Wrestler," putting "Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge On Seattle," on the jukebox, reminiscing about life before music sucked?

And what level of Nirvana reissues will we have reached by then?

Will there be theme park rides? Oliver Stone movies? Virtual Reality tours of his Olympia, WA home?

I don't know--even in Walls's seemingly indignant article, he writes about how the Reading CD is, "a Nirvana live show you could listen to while working out at the gym."

Ten years ago, that statement would have drawn every ounce of my ire.

Twenty years from now--will I agree?

More soon.

JS

Philip Spooner

2009-10-21T11:16:00.004-04:00

This is a video, just under 4:00 in length, that doesn't need much of an introduction, or much commenting after.

It's a video meant to be watched and processed, hopefully by many, to show how sometimes, the most important point of view--that of the people--is all we really need.

There's no fancy words here, no expensive educations, no pandering, and no mud-slinging.

There's no hidden agenda--just the simple point of view of a man, a father, a veteran, delivered with conviction from the heart.

So take 4:00 out of your day and watch this.

It'll only make you a better person.

More soon.

JS